(no subject)
do we all sometime in our life sit and wonder what the point of our life is. what do we measure our happiness by? what do we measure our worth? is there a certain standard to live up to that makes life even worth living...i know it sounds depressing and cynial but ive just been going through thid weird phase in my life. just bills, money, job, school. i have to ask myself, what is the meaning in all of it? if i dont feel like paying some bills this month does it mean i am irresponsible and a loser? does wanting to enjoy my time here on earth some how make me a lazy failure? i save my money for the things i want, things than enhance the enjoyment of my life. i decided instead of paying my car payment this month i wanted to have extra money for ONCE to go out and not worry if i can afford hanging with friends or having gas money. i bought some really nice hiking sandals. i dont feel like my life should be sumed up by all the bills i paid on time and all the ones i missed. it all seems so fuckin pointless to me. i want to work and enjoy the money i earn to use towards my life! i dont mind payign rent and of course i need to pay my car, but missing one payment, obviously ill make it up later. but i hate the feeling of living oaycheck to paycheck. it is so hard and i dont mean to complain because i chose this lifestyle and i embrace it.
i also have been sitting and wondering the meaning of my life when it comes to relationships. so much of it i can not even begin to put down in written form. my feelings are so strong and complicated i can barely understand them myself. brian and i have been spending some time together. i have always enjoyed hanging out with him and having a good time. yes, he has not always been the best of a person...but i udnerstand it. no matter that we have been friends above anything else. but i dont want to be walked over or taken for an idiot. i know he wont ever choose to be with me and really if he did, i know i wouldnt accept it because he wouldnt be the kind of guy i could be in a long term relationship. obviously. because if he is doing this to his girlfriend now, then he would do the same if it were me. we have slept together, i dont know if it still present tense "sleeping together". he says he has never done this, been seeing two people at the same time. he is confused and i totally get it. i am not pressuring him or trying to make him be my boyfriend which knows. he says he really likes me. but i know him and for him thats not enough. because it wasnt enough in the past. im here to be his friend. all i want is for me to be his freind. i know i am, but i want him to act like and not blow me off. there is a part of me deep inside that wants him, that i have always wanted to be with him. i am just in a different place to be completely controlled by this desire. my sister, being judgmental as she is with the situation, knows me better than anyone. she says i am the strongest person she knows, but not when it comes to guys, they are my ultimate weak point. she knows i cant handle the mixed emotion situation because i cant seperate my feelings from sleeping with someone i care about. i get the friend and passion emotion confused. and no matter how much i lie to myself that i dont like him, i do, even if i dont admit it ever. brian knows that as well. he knows i push away everytime, but he knows i like him. i dont want to and it sucks that we can not help who we have feelings for. i am taking about a million steps backwards by getting involved with him again. i was getting so good at getting over him. then i revert back to old and unhealthy habits. this time it might not be so easy to get over him...i know i am going to get hurt because it happened four months ago. why is this time any different? its not, i just trick myself into believing it will be, because i am stupid.
i also have been sitting and wondering the meaning of my life when it comes to relationships. so much of it i can not even begin to put down in written form. my feelings are so strong and complicated i can barely understand them myself. brian and i have been spending some time together. i have always enjoyed hanging out with him and having a good time. yes, he has not always been the best of a person...but i udnerstand it. no matter that we have been friends above anything else. but i dont want to be walked over or taken for an idiot. i know he wont ever choose to be with me and really if he did, i know i wouldnt accept it because he wouldnt be the kind of guy i could be in a long term relationship. obviously. because if he is doing this to his girlfriend now, then he would do the same if it were me. we have slept together, i dont know if it still present tense "sleeping together". he says he has never done this, been seeing two people at the same time. he is confused and i totally get it. i am not pressuring him or trying to make him be my boyfriend which knows. he says he really likes me. but i know him and for him thats not enough. because it wasnt enough in the past. im here to be his friend. all i want is for me to be his freind. i know i am, but i want him to act like and not blow me off. there is a part of me deep inside that wants him, that i have always wanted to be with him. i am just in a different place to be completely controlled by this desire. my sister, being judgmental as she is with the situation, knows me better than anyone. she says i am the strongest person she knows, but not when it comes to guys, they are my ultimate weak point. she knows i cant handle the mixed emotion situation because i cant seperate my feelings from sleeping with someone i care about. i get the friend and passion emotion confused. and no matter how much i lie to myself that i dont like him, i do, even if i dont admit it ever. brian knows that as well. he knows i push away everytime, but he knows i like him. i dont want to and it sucks that we can not help who we have feelings for. i am taking about a million steps backwards by getting involved with him again. i was getting so good at getting over him. then i revert back to old and unhealthy habits. this time it might not be so easy to get over him...i know i am going to get hurt because it happened four months ago. why is this time any different? its not, i just trick myself into believing it will be, because i am stupid.