honestly I don't even know anymore

[street22]

I've begun to realize several things and I've begun to realize that I cannot escape or even delay it anymore.

Sometime last week I came "home" and was being very short with my "roomates" (read: family) I don't hate my family, but that house is not large enough to contain 4 adults no matter how you slice it. No matter what I do or where I go there

Comments

[pounce_de_leon]

One day at a time.

[huscoon]

Hey man, I can relate to this entire entry, I really can. I've been there, I'm seen the dead end sign in life. I don't know how I got out, I just did. We all go through depressing times, times where life just isn't satisfying in any regard. But we make it through.

You're a strong guy. You have a rough exterior, but you're truly a good person under it. You'll make it through, I know you will. And don't be afraid to go to your friends for help, that's why we're here, that's our job.

[street22]

I guess it's not so much a dead end sign....more like I've been scraping and clawing and getting so close to what I really want, what I really need...but right when I can get it...it just disapears. It's not like what I need/want is changing...it's like happiness isn't for me.

I'm getting so tired of busting my balls just to survive and bending over backwards without even getting the time of day. It feels like I can go to the ends of the earth and that's just expected...and I get no consideration or even a thanks for my troubble and suffering.

[schizkitty]

It sounds like you need something to look forward to - a life change of some sort. Biggest of which I would think is a place of your own.

I really hate the stagnant feeling...it creeps up on me a lot. Especially when I can't think how to fix it.

[street22]

That's not even the whole deal...it's just the big one that I can never seem to really beat. I hit my goals for that one, I scrape and save...and I'm not that bad off...but with everything else I've just run out of...everything to keep going.

When that friend from school noticed it, and said she honestly worried about me...it really shocked me. I hadn't seen her since her wedding, months ago...and I haven't had anyone honestly worry about me in a very long long time...I've always been the guy who can always handle anything with anything a cool head and unsinkable person in a sea of...anything. It's just gotten to be too much...and I've tried to do it all...and I feel very used and unappreciated for all my troubble, effort, and pain.

[duncandahusky]

I think Jen really has a good point there. You've identified the problem - stagnation - and you've got some loose ideas of what you want, and you know what you need to make you happy. It sounds like you have a lot of the tools you need, the challenge now is to assemble everything into the life that you would like to have.

If I may be so bold as to offer advice: Make plans. Make plans with achievable milestones, perhaps on a monthly basis. Have something that you can physically check off and remind yourself that you are that much closer to your goals. Maybe that will help give you a feeling of forward movement and getting out of the rut you're feeling.

[street22]

Stagnation is a big part, and I have been making attainable goals and reaching them. But it always seems that the minute I can get back twards my feet and keep moving forward to being happy...something or someone comes by to kick my teeth in and leave me for dead, and the process of pulling myself togther starts all over again.

I've always been "the whipping boy" for groups, because I'm "strong" and can take it with a smile. But when the people I want to or should be able to go to for help want nothing to do with me, refuse to listen, or just start crusifying me...I've run out of places to run, people to talk to who are supposed to understand and offer support.

I'll be honest, you're a cool guy but I don't know you enough to start spilling my "soul" for my own confort. The people who I do feel I can and should eather don't want to listen (because I can/should be able to handle it), don't give a shit (have their own problems and mine can't ever compare), or degrade me for being a dumbass (because I can do no right).