honestly I don't even know anymore
I've begun to realize several things and I've begun to realize that I cannot escape or even delay it anymore.
Sometime last week I came "home" and was being very short with my "roomates" (read: family) I don't hate my family, but that house is not large enough to contain 4 adults no matter how you slice it. No matter what I do or where I go there is always something or someone in my way. I am also tired of constantly being intruded upon, bothered, questioned, and used. My father picked up on this and said simply, "you don't seem happy." before I could even think about it I just responded, "I haven't been happy for some time" The more I think about it the more it is true.
For my age I have a supprizing understanding of myself and what I need to be happy, truely happy. It's just three things, of which I have maybe one that has been realitively constant. I've been trying my best to dictract myself from this fact with things, toys, trinkets...but I don't think I can do that anymore.
I've continued to do my "act" but even that is starting to fade as I just don't have the energy to keep it up and I don't really care anymore. I was shown throughout my youth that my problems were mine and no one else gave a shit, because someone else always needed 'X' more than I did, so I just have to tough it out and deal with it.
Last weekend while "out on the town" someone who I had not seen in a while actually asked if I was doing alright and I just kinda shrugged and she told me that she honestly worries about me. She flat out saw through my act that no one else has ever really been able to...it was kind of shocking. It was also a reminder that when I do come across hard times it's usually just me and nobody else because I try not to let them see, afterall they have their own problems.
Every morning I get out of bed and ask myself what do I have, and I'm left with a blank space that I cannot fill. What is truley important is not there and it eats at me. I go through my day just waiting for the chance to go back to sleep where I don't have to think, act, or be anymore.
I also am getting the distinct feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try it is never enough to satisify anyone.
I'm not writing this as a cry for help, I'm not expecting a saint on a white horse to come and save me. That dosn't happen in real life, and I really don't want that kind of attention. I'm writing this as piece of mind for me, so that I know it's not just festering in my mind building on itself. It's already been festering in there for months and I just can't keep it there anymore. It's also probably just long enough that people will skim it or skip it and not consern themselves with it.
I'm still stuck doing what I've been doing because it's all I really have. It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to; Sick Puppies - My World, 12 Stones - Anthem For The Underdog, and Ludo - Love Me Dead; basically on a loop.
Sometime last week I came "home" and was being very short with my "roomates" (read: family) I don't hate my family, but that house is not large enough to contain 4 adults no matter how you slice it. No matter what I do or where I go there is always something or someone in my way. I am also tired of constantly being intruded upon, bothered, questioned, and used. My father picked up on this and said simply, "you don't seem happy." before I could even think about it I just responded, "I haven't been happy for some time" The more I think about it the more it is true.
For my age I have a supprizing understanding of myself and what I need to be happy, truely happy. It's just three things, of which I have maybe one that has been realitively constant. I've been trying my best to dictract myself from this fact with things, toys, trinkets...but I don't think I can do that anymore.
I've continued to do my "act" but even that is starting to fade as I just don't have the energy to keep it up and I don't really care anymore. I was shown throughout my youth that my problems were mine and no one else gave a shit, because someone else always needed 'X' more than I did, so I just have to tough it out and deal with it.
Last weekend while "out on the town" someone who I had not seen in a while actually asked if I was doing alright and I just kinda shrugged and she told me that she honestly worries about me. She flat out saw through my act that no one else has ever really been able to...it was kind of shocking. It was also a reminder that when I do come across hard times it's usually just me and nobody else because I try not to let them see, afterall they have their own problems.
Every morning I get out of bed and ask myself what do I have, and I'm left with a blank space that I cannot fill. What is truley important is not there and it eats at me. I go through my day just waiting for the chance to go back to sleep where I don't have to think, act, or be anymore.
I also am getting the distinct feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try it is never enough to satisify anyone.
I'm not writing this as a cry for help, I'm not expecting a saint on a white horse to come and save me. That dosn't happen in real life, and I really don't want that kind of attention. I'm writing this as piece of mind for me, so that I know it's not just festering in my mind building on itself. It's already been festering in there for months and I just can't keep it there anymore. It's also probably just long enough that people will skim it or skip it and not consern themselves with it.
I'm still stuck doing what I've been doing because it's all I really have. It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to; Sick Puppies - My World, 12 Stones - Anthem For The Underdog, and Ludo - Love Me Dead; basically on a loop.