My Mother's Advice
Me: "Hello?"
Mom: "Are you ok? Why are you crying?!"
Me: "I can't breathe, Ammu, I can't breathe!"
Mom: "I'm buying a ticket to come see you. Tell me what's wrong, baby."
Me: "I don't want to live. Don't make me."
Mom: "Stop crying, I can't understand, you what? Don't want to live?"
Me: "I don't know what's wrong."
Mom: "Okay, hang on, ok? I'm at the bank. I have to talk to the teller. I'm putting in money for you. Do you need money? Do you need to go out, have a good time? How about a ticket to California? Yes?"
Me: "No, I don't want money. Send it to Jamie."
Mom: "Why? Is she having money problems?"
Me: "I took all her money and then made her lose her job."
Mom: "You've done worse to us for 20 years. If she loves you, it's ok."
Me: "She left me."
Mom: "What?"
Me: "I told her to leave because she deserves someone who knows what she wants in life and doesn’t lay around crying and acting jealous and being stupid."
Mom: "You made her leave? But you love her, right? Please stop crying like that."
Me: "I can't."
Mom: "I'll send your sister down next week and you'll fly back here together. Do you need her? We're all worried about you."
Me: "No. No, I want Jamie. I fucked up, Ammu. I fucked up so bad!"
Mom: "Hiccupping like that will make you throw up and I'm not there to clean up. Look, she left because you told her to. You can't take it back. Pay for it."
Me: "Oh god, I'm paying for it. I can't stop crying, Ammu."
Mom: "You're 20 years old. You're old enough to hear this. When I was 19 and your father and I were dating, we had sex. And then he didn't call. For a whole day I cried to my mom, lay in her arms and just cried. I was already upset about grades and my health. And here your dad wasn't calling. Everyone took me out, bought me ice cream, made me watch movies. My brothers and sisters didn't know what was wrong but they put on a play for me in the living room--Snow White except your aunt was too brown. And then when I finally stopped crying, he called. He said sorry, we fought, I hung up, he called back and we made up. Because we worked it out. How many times has your father messed up in the past and how many times have I? We work it out.”
Me: “She deserves someone who doesn’t have to keep saying sorry for her dumb mistakes. Who is worth thousands of dollars.”
Mom: “I wish I could hug you. For the past few months I was somewhat relieved you had Jamie. I was jealous but at least she was there to make you smile.”
Me: “I fucked up.”
Mom: “Yes, you did. Make it right.”
Me: “I can’t.”
Mom: “You have money in your account now. Make it right, ok?”