(no subject)
Just a short entry to let people know...
I told her to leave. I told Jamie to walk away because I didn't want to cause her to drown in my tears. Hell, I didn't even know what was wrong. She told me at first she didn't need the negativity but then she told me she was one call away. By then, I didn't want to hurt her anymore. By then I had realized how much I loved her and how this slump I was in was pulling my girlfriend down too.
Me: "Just go, leave. If you know what's good, go, please."
I didn't mean for you to read my mind. I couldn't make it up.
We talked and talked and she missed a meeting and had to go to work and I needed help. I was laying in bed eyeing the razor on my dresser and I didn't want her to save me. She deserved so much better. She deserved someone happy. I was far from happy and I didn't know when I'd be happy again.
So she left. She told me she'd send my stuff back. She told me she loved me but couldn't hear it back.
And when she asked if I wanted her to go, I was crying.
Me: "No, stay."
Jamie: "What?"
Me: "Stay. Don't go. Stay."
Jamie: "Please make up your mind. I can't go back and forth anymore."
I want it to be known that I told her to go not because I was sitting there wanting to be without her, but because I knew she was at the end of the line with me. I was killing my baby as I was slowly killing myself.
Thank you to those people who held me up. Don't take it out on Jamie. She tried. I pushed her away.
I supposedly was not there for her when she went through shit, so I guess that's another reason she can walk away.
I just can't, won't, shouldn't be made to be just a friend because if I'm going to move on, then God knows I can't ever think of her again. Having her as a friend would kill me.
Me: "Hello?"
Jamie: "Were you sleeping?"
Me: "Yeah."
Jamie: "I just wanted to say goodnight."
Me: "Why?"
Jamie: "Cause we always do."
Me: "Oh."
Jamie: "I love you." (click)
The love in me, the heart in me, tells me that I made the wrong decision. I should have held on. My brain knows though that if I did, as I lay here dying, you were going to die to. And, baby girl, you deserve to live. To get married. To have a life. To not have to deal with gf who every now and then, confuses the shit out of you cause she can't make up her mind.
I need help. Professional help. Help from someone who won't spend so much on me like Jamie did. Someone who's day won't be ruined by wiping away my tears. I'll turn to my friends sometimes. And the other times I'll have to turn to this other person.
And then I have to turn to myself.