An Epiphany
I don't write in this thing very much because mostly I feel like it's a waste of time. Granted, it's fun to read what else everyone is up to . . . but it's places like this that further disconnect us from those we care about most. If I used this for the outlet I sometimes want it to, I'd be eliminating that possibility from talking in person or voice to voice with someone I care about. Granted, often times it's fun to look back on where we've been and where we are going . . . but is it possible that even though the internet offers us an "outlet" or a "haven" or a "sounding board" all it's really doing is further pushing us into a two dimensional world driven by smiley faces and funny quizzes. Could it be that by communicating and expressing out feelings, experiences, happiness and sorrow in such a way could be actually giving us a false sense of security and resolution. I know many of those around me feel completely different, but I can't help but ponder this.
If I took to the time it took me write this and called someone I cared for or called a friend, would I feel differently? If I talked about something I was struggling with or laughed or cried with someone I cared about, would that give me more bang for my buck? If I didn't read about Joleine's day everyday, would I stop being a selfish prick and call and see how she is? Or if I stopped viewing Josh's pictures, or laughing at George's witty puns, would I in turn stop taking these people I claim to care for for granted and give them a more respectful piece of my world than a simple comment or a "lol" on MSN messenger? I'm not sure, but I'm going to try.
I care for someone. It's that irrational, nonsense type of caring. Everything I am tells me it's ludicrous, ill fated and unpractical. However, everything I am tells me it's spontaneous, romantic and rich. I'm not trying to make sense of it, in fact I'm sitting here drinking a glass of chardonay at the moment feeling sorry for myself. At the same time, I'm cheersing in the fact that I'm taking a chance. Perhaps and likely I'll fall on my face at some point. However, if I plan to live my life with integrity, knowledge and compassion, the three things I strive most for in life, I've got to, in the words of a class I claimed to get nothing from "suck the marrow from it."
In a few minutes I'll head to bed. I'll seek haven amongst my fluffy down pillows, some odd thread count sheets and suede comforter. All things I've spent large amounts of money on, and never looked back. Perhaps it's time, whether it be this caring or another to come, that I start spending parts of myself, my heart and my compassion on what I really wish I could fall asleep with someday. Am I out searching for my soulmate? I'd be lying, as would anyone reading this if I said I walked around with my eyes closed. However, I choose to live life for me. I've worked too hard, been through too much and sacrificed too much of who I am to walk blindly. However, my faith, hopeless lust for love and undying motivation for success tells me that all of this is useless in a world without hope. So instead of blindly giving it to someone I barely know, I plan to start today, giving it to those investments with proven returns . . . my friends. If I am to give more of myself to someone . . . it needs to come from this same type of friendship
I'm not sure what life will bring me or those I care for. There's so much in life I cannot control. However, it's time I start living life for Matt again . . . and sharing myself with those around me. It's not something I can accomplish tomorrow . . . and it will make me vulnerable to being hurt. However, to those of you who know me, it will in time mean, less PR, more Matt.
Have I just become a huge hypocrite by stating my first paragraph and then opening up in the same manner I was trying not to condone. Perhaps. Instead . . . I plan to use this as the launching point for resolution. I'll prove it, you'll see. But if you really want to know what happens, you won't find it here!
My best,
~M
If I took to the time it took me write this and called someone I cared for or called a friend, would I feel differently? If I talked about something I was struggling with or laughed or cried with someone I cared about, would that give me more bang for my buck? If I didn't read about Joleine's day everyday, would I stop being a selfish prick and call and see how she is? Or if I stopped viewing Josh's pictures, or laughing at George's witty puns, would I in turn stop taking these people I claim to care for for granted and give them a more respectful piece of my world than a simple comment or a "lol" on MSN messenger? I'm not sure, but I'm going to try.
I care for someone. It's that irrational, nonsense type of caring. Everything I am tells me it's ludicrous, ill fated and unpractical. However, everything I am tells me it's spontaneous, romantic and rich. I'm not trying to make sense of it, in fact I'm sitting here drinking a glass of chardonay at the moment feeling sorry for myself. At the same time, I'm cheersing in the fact that I'm taking a chance. Perhaps and likely I'll fall on my face at some point. However, if I plan to live my life with integrity, knowledge and compassion, the three things I strive most for in life, I've got to, in the words of a class I claimed to get nothing from "suck the marrow from it."
In a few minutes I'll head to bed. I'll seek haven amongst my fluffy down pillows, some odd thread count sheets and suede comforter. All things I've spent large amounts of money on, and never looked back. Perhaps it's time, whether it be this caring or another to come, that I start spending parts of myself, my heart and my compassion on what I really wish I could fall asleep with someday. Am I out searching for my soulmate? I'd be lying, as would anyone reading this if I said I walked around with my eyes closed. However, I choose to live life for me. I've worked too hard, been through too much and sacrificed too much of who I am to walk blindly. However, my faith, hopeless lust for love and undying motivation for success tells me that all of this is useless in a world without hope. So instead of blindly giving it to someone I barely know, I plan to start today, giving it to those investments with proven returns . . . my friends. If I am to give more of myself to someone . . . it needs to come from this same type of friendship
I'm not sure what life will bring me or those I care for. There's so much in life I cannot control. However, it's time I start living life for Matt again . . . and sharing myself with those around me. It's not something I can accomplish tomorrow . . . and it will make me vulnerable to being hurt. However, to those of you who know me, it will in time mean, less PR, more Matt.
Have I just become a huge hypocrite by stating my first paragraph and then opening up in the same manner I was trying not to condone. Perhaps. Instead . . . I plan to use this as the launching point for resolution. I'll prove it, you'll see. But if you really want to know what happens, you won't find it here!
My best,
~M