It's ok during the day I'm staying busy...
I just want to be fucking over it already. I thought it wasn't as bad as the first time because I thought I wasn't in love, but it sure feels like it did then. I looked at recent pictures...stupidly...and my stomach turned, my scarf felt tighter, and I wanted to die. That's not good. Those are just pictures...I probably would literally die on the spot if I did see him in real life. That's fucking ridicules. This is dumb. I'm pissed at my guts for feeling this way for something that was so short (and someone, being 5'5 ;). This is a broken heart fading out with a side of fresh broken heart. Order up. An unexpected and not even suppose to be there broken heart. Fuck. I can't even get turned on any more because that just makes me think of him and the amazingness we had, then I get depressed and it's gone. Lasts all of 30 seconds if that. Is that good? I guess maybe...it'll stop me from repeating summer all over again. I just feel so down and depressed at the end of the day. And every day I go to school and hope/fear I'm going to see him. What do I do...how do I make it stop? I'm really trying the whole "make your own happiness" bit, but it's not working. I admit though it comes in waves. At least that...like a mild form of manic depression. Awesome. I've diagnosed myself. Eat your heart out 300,000 dollar education.
As a side note I went on a date tonight and knew right away it wasn't going to work out. Which, again is thanks to all the dating around I did this past summer and thanks to my two most significant heart breaks at this time. He smokes, he isn't as funny as I had thought, he's really skinny, and isn't motivated. I have another lunch date with him tomorrow since we planned it out before tonight, but that might have to be it. I have another date Thursday with again someone I know I won't be with forever, however he as access to a cadaver 24/7 and I really want to shoot it (not shoot it dead because well...obviously. But take it's picture). Friday I have ANOTHER date, but this time with someone I'm hopeful about. Although we haven't met... Wish me luck.
As a side note I went on a date tonight and knew right away it wasn't going to work out. Which, again is thanks to all the dating around I did this past summer and thanks to my two most significant heart breaks at this time. He smokes, he isn't as funny as I had thought, he's really skinny, and isn't motivated. I have another lunch date with him tomorrow since we planned it out before tonight, but that might have to be it. I have another date Thursday with again someone I know I won't be with forever, however he as access to a cadaver 24/7 and I really want to shoot it (not shoot it dead because well...obviously. But take it's picture). Friday I have ANOTHER date, but this time with someone I'm hopeful about. Although we haven't met... Wish me luck.