i seriously fucked up this time
guess what happened to me on december twenty seventh? i went into a bipolar fit, got three traffic tickets, arrested and thrown in jail for the night. fun times.
i woke up in the morning at brad's house. we showered and got dressed and went over my house for some lunch. after lunch we headed out to his parent's house for a visit.
the visit was going well until brad and i went with his mother to the grocery store. in the car brad brought up my situations of the moment (like me unable to find a job and not knowing what to do). he and his mother kept talking about it when i clearly did not.
it makes me upset when people talk about me (weather they are trying to help me or just bitching about me). i hate myself so much that i can't stand it when people talk about myself and want me to add to the conversation.
it makes me even more upset when people don't listen to me. for example: brad did not listen to me. i don't know how many times i have told him to not talk about me and especially not help me when i don't ask for it first. i hate it when people are trying to help me when i didn't ask for help in the first place. it makes me feel that they think i am inadequate and too stupid to do it myself so they don't bother to ask and go ahead and do it for me. i absolutely hate it and that's what brad and his mother were doing to me. they were trying to be nice and think of things that i could do in order to get a decent job.
by the time we came back to the store i was very depressed. all i wanted to do was go home and calm down. i told brad but he thought i was being stupid and wanted me to stay so he could continue visiting his parents. while we were talking his mother over heard us and found out that i was upset because of the things they said. this made her upset and made me feel even worse. then i knew that i couldn't stay. there was too much tension between everybody.
so brad and i left his parents and we didn't speak for the entire drive back home. he was pissed off at me for cutting his visit short and i was on the verge of tears. i first stopped at his house to drop him off because i just wanted to go home and be alone for a bit. he got out of the car, angrily said goodbye and slammed the door in my face.
once brad had left me i went insane. all i wanted to do was go home and cut myself and i wasn't going to let anyone stop me. i immediately sped off towards home. i was so upset that i wasn't paying attention to how recklessly i was driving or anything.
by the time i was a street away from my house i noticed a cop car behind me flashing it's lights. i wasn't thinking and went ahead and drove into my driveway. the cop followed me and ran straight into the back of my car. before i could even put my car into park and turn it off the officer had already gotten out of his car and was shouting at me to get out of my car.
as soon as i opened my door the officer pulled me out of the car, spun me around, slapped handcuffs on me and threw me in the car of his car. it all happened so fast and i was so upset that i was hysterical. i couldn't stop screaming and crying.
the next thing i heard was my mother trying to explain to the cop what was wrong with me. once i calmed down slightly i opened my eyes and two other cops had arrived. one of them was being a dick and trying to convince my arresting officer to charge me as a felony while the other was being silent and just looking around. then yet another cop showed up, this time a female so she could frisk me.
after i got frisked they put me back in the car and all of the extra cops left the scene. my arresting officer drove us over to the local sub-station so he could finish his paper work. he kept having technical difficulties with his computer and kept being interrupted by other officers just passing by.
finally i arrived at the jail. they made me stand outside a door for like ten to fifteen minutes before they even let me in. once i was let in i got frisked again and had to remove everything that was in my pockets and take out all of my earrings. a female officer then walked me around a corner and gave me a sort of grey prison uniform to change into. she said i had to take everything off except for my bra and panties. i was slightly surprised that they let me change in a private room. after i changed i went to an officer behind a counter so he could take my street clothes and things. then i went around another corner and sat on a bench and waited to be booked. by this time is when i noticed that any officer that came in contact with me was wearing latex gloves.
i waited for about fifteen minutes and then i was called into a room to be photographed and printed. the officer that was taking my finger prints was having technical difficulties with his computer as well. then i sat back down on the bench and waited about another fifteen minutes and then called to another officer, this time at a desk. he had me read and sign a few forms about possible abuse i might receive from the guards or other prisoners.
after i was booked i was sent to a holding cell that was empty. there i called my mom and told her what had happened so far and how much was my bond. a couple of minutes went by and i was getting pretty bored. i had a couple pieces of paper from one of the officers that were stapled together. i removed the staple and started using that to scratch myself to help calm myself down. couple more prisoners were sent into the cell with me but thankfully they didn't talk to me.
a couple more minutes went by and then i was sent to see the nurse. the nurse didn't do much but ask me a bunch of medical questions and fill out a form on her computer. i told her about all the medications i was on and that i needed to take them before i went to bed. she just gave me a blank stare and then wrote them down on a scrap of paper. she then asked if i was suicidal and i told her yes. she asked if i was cutting or scratching myself and i showed her my arms. then another officer came up to me and put me in handcuffs and shackles. she didn't put them on too tight but they still hurt.
she then walked me to where i was going to stay until my bail was posted. i asked her if i was going to be put in a group cell of a single cell and she said that i was being placed in the 'self harm' ward. she told me that they would take all of my clothes away and i would have nothing on me except for a blanket. lovely.
at the 'self harm' ward i was handed over to yet another officer. this new officer then started to put on a pair of gloves. i asked her if i was going to get a cavity search and they sort of laughed and said no. i was slightly surprised but more than that, relieved. she then waled me over to the cell that i was going to be placed in. they ordered me to take off my prison uniform and underwear. after i was undressed they handed me a florescent orange blanket to wrap up in and locked me in the cell.
the cell i was in was a little small. there was a toilet and three beds where two were already occupied. i climbed into the top bunk and just laid there and watched the clock and the guard from across the room. by the time i was in the cell it was around ten at night. i sat there wrapped in my blanket trying to stay warm and counted to one hundred over and over to try and pass the time. my eyes were burning from crying too much and i was tired but i couldn't go to sleep. in all i must've counted to three or four thousand. i laid there and waited and hoped that a guard would come up to the cell to give me my medications or tell me that my bail had been posted and that i could go home. sadly that didn't happen during the night.
around five in the morning the guard with a couple of prisoners from a different ward came by and gave some breakfast to a few of the prisoners in the ward. they came to our cell and opened the slot in the door and handed us a styrofoam box of mystery food. my two cell mates got up and took theirs but i didn't want any. i was hungry but there was no way that i was going to eat prison food.
my cell mates ate their food noisily and then went back to sleep. the one in the corner was fairly quiet but the one that was below me coughed, cursed or bitched about the guard every time she rolled over in her bed. it made me want to jump down from my bunk and grab her by her nasty hair and slam her head into the steel door and break her skull and really give her something to bitch about. i mean sure being in jail is not happy fun time. every inmate there knows it but nobody wants to hear you constantly bitch about it every five minutes. just shut the fuck and get over it like i did. i didn't bitch, whine, complain or cry. i wasn't being harassed or treated unfairly (with the exception that i was denied my medications). i did what the guards said and quietly waited for my time to leave.
around seven or eight a couple of guards came to our cell to check for contraband. they had the three of us stand outside while one guard look around. during that time one of the guards asked for my name because i needed to go to court. they had us drop our blankets to check us for contraband and then let us back in the cell.
around thirty minutes later one of the guards came back to the cell and told me that they needed me in court. she asked me what uniform size i wore. i told her a small but she didn't have any so i had to wait for them to get me one. not long after that the guard came back and gave me a red jumpsuit to wear that must've been an extra large. she let me out of the cell and put handcuffs and shackles on me and then walked me and another inmate to court.
on my way to court i passed a bunch of other inmates waiting for something. i saw one guy and he looked very familiar to me, like a guy i had gone to school with. the guard had us sit on a bench outside the court area. i waited for about ten minutes and then was escorted back to my cell because my bail had been posted. it was about time. on the way back we passed the same bunch of inmates. a guard was calling out their names to make sure he had the right ones. when i passed the guy that looked familiar and the guard called out his name. it was the guy that i went to school with. as we walked by we looked each other straight in the eye. i wonder if he recognized me.
back at the 'self harm' ward they gave me my bra and panties back and then walked me down to the releasing area. there i got my other stuff and street clothes back and changed back in them. the officers there kept jokingly asking me about me wanting to commit suicide. i didn't say much to them. after i got dress i went to another officer behind a counter and signed some forms about my upcoming court date. i called my mom to come pick me up and then went outside into the somewhat more free world.
outside the jail i sat on a park bench and waited for my mom to pick me up. my mom drove by and i got in the car and then we went over to the office that set up my bail to sign some more forms. after that i finally went home and james came over and we dyed each other's hair.
i woke up in the morning at brad's house. we showered and got dressed and went over my house for some lunch. after lunch we headed out to his parent's house for a visit.
the visit was going well until brad and i went with his mother to the grocery store. in the car brad brought up my situations of the moment (like me unable to find a job and not knowing what to do). he and his mother kept talking about it when i clearly did not.
it makes me upset when people talk about me (weather they are trying to help me or just bitching about me). i hate myself so much that i can't stand it when people talk about myself and want me to add to the conversation.
it makes me even more upset when people don't listen to me. for example: brad did not listen to me. i don't know how many times i have told him to not talk about me and especially not help me when i don't ask for it first. i hate it when people are trying to help me when i didn't ask for help in the first place. it makes me feel that they think i am inadequate and too stupid to do it myself so they don't bother to ask and go ahead and do it for me. i absolutely hate it and that's what brad and his mother were doing to me. they were trying to be nice and think of things that i could do in order to get a decent job.
by the time we came back to the store i was very depressed. all i wanted to do was go home and calm down. i told brad but he thought i was being stupid and wanted me to stay so he could continue visiting his parents. while we were talking his mother over heard us and found out that i was upset because of the things they said. this made her upset and made me feel even worse. then i knew that i couldn't stay. there was too much tension between everybody.
so brad and i left his parents and we didn't speak for the entire drive back home. he was pissed off at me for cutting his visit short and i was on the verge of tears. i first stopped at his house to drop him off because i just wanted to go home and be alone for a bit. he got out of the car, angrily said goodbye and slammed the door in my face.
once brad had left me i went insane. all i wanted to do was go home and cut myself and i wasn't going to let anyone stop me. i immediately sped off towards home. i was so upset that i wasn't paying attention to how recklessly i was driving or anything.
by the time i was a street away from my house i noticed a cop car behind me flashing it's lights. i wasn't thinking and went ahead and drove into my driveway. the cop followed me and ran straight into the back of my car. before i could even put my car into park and turn it off the officer had already gotten out of his car and was shouting at me to get out of my car.
as soon as i opened my door the officer pulled me out of the car, spun me around, slapped handcuffs on me and threw me in the car of his car. it all happened so fast and i was so upset that i was hysterical. i couldn't stop screaming and crying.
the next thing i heard was my mother trying to explain to the cop what was wrong with me. once i calmed down slightly i opened my eyes and two other cops had arrived. one of them was being a dick and trying to convince my arresting officer to charge me as a felony while the other was being silent and just looking around. then yet another cop showed up, this time a female so she could frisk me.
after i got frisked they put me back in the car and all of the extra cops left the scene. my arresting officer drove us over to the local sub-station so he could finish his paper work. he kept having technical difficulties with his computer and kept being interrupted by other officers just passing by.
finally i arrived at the jail. they made me stand outside a door for like ten to fifteen minutes before they even let me in. once i was let in i got frisked again and had to remove everything that was in my pockets and take out all of my earrings. a female officer then walked me around a corner and gave me a sort of grey prison uniform to change into. she said i had to take everything off except for my bra and panties. i was slightly surprised that they let me change in a private room. after i changed i went to an officer behind a counter so he could take my street clothes and things. then i went around another corner and sat on a bench and waited to be booked. by this time is when i noticed that any officer that came in contact with me was wearing latex gloves.
i waited for about fifteen minutes and then i was called into a room to be photographed and printed. the officer that was taking my finger prints was having technical difficulties with his computer as well. then i sat back down on the bench and waited about another fifteen minutes and then called to another officer, this time at a desk. he had me read and sign a few forms about possible abuse i might receive from the guards or other prisoners.
after i was booked i was sent to a holding cell that was empty. there i called my mom and told her what had happened so far and how much was my bond. a couple of minutes went by and i was getting pretty bored. i had a couple pieces of paper from one of the officers that were stapled together. i removed the staple and started using that to scratch myself to help calm myself down. couple more prisoners were sent into the cell with me but thankfully they didn't talk to me.
a couple more minutes went by and then i was sent to see the nurse. the nurse didn't do much but ask me a bunch of medical questions and fill out a form on her computer. i told her about all the medications i was on and that i needed to take them before i went to bed. she just gave me a blank stare and then wrote them down on a scrap of paper. she then asked if i was suicidal and i told her yes. she asked if i was cutting or scratching myself and i showed her my arms. then another officer came up to me and put me in handcuffs and shackles. she didn't put them on too tight but they still hurt.
she then walked me to where i was going to stay until my bail was posted. i asked her if i was going to be put in a group cell of a single cell and she said that i was being placed in the 'self harm' ward. she told me that they would take all of my clothes away and i would have nothing on me except for a blanket. lovely.
at the 'self harm' ward i was handed over to yet another officer. this new officer then started to put on a pair of gloves. i asked her if i was going to get a cavity search and they sort of laughed and said no. i was slightly surprised but more than that, relieved. she then waled me over to the cell that i was going to be placed in. they ordered me to take off my prison uniform and underwear. after i was undressed they handed me a florescent orange blanket to wrap up in and locked me in the cell.
the cell i was in was a little small. there was a toilet and three beds where two were already occupied. i climbed into the top bunk and just laid there and watched the clock and the guard from across the room. by the time i was in the cell it was around ten at night. i sat there wrapped in my blanket trying to stay warm and counted to one hundred over and over to try and pass the time. my eyes were burning from crying too much and i was tired but i couldn't go to sleep. in all i must've counted to three or four thousand. i laid there and waited and hoped that a guard would come up to the cell to give me my medications or tell me that my bail had been posted and that i could go home. sadly that didn't happen during the night.
around five in the morning the guard with a couple of prisoners from a different ward came by and gave some breakfast to a few of the prisoners in the ward. they came to our cell and opened the slot in the door and handed us a styrofoam box of mystery food. my two cell mates got up and took theirs but i didn't want any. i was hungry but there was no way that i was going to eat prison food.
my cell mates ate their food noisily and then went back to sleep. the one in the corner was fairly quiet but the one that was below me coughed, cursed or bitched about the guard every time she rolled over in her bed. it made me want to jump down from my bunk and grab her by her nasty hair and slam her head into the steel door and break her skull and really give her something to bitch about. i mean sure being in jail is not happy fun time. every inmate there knows it but nobody wants to hear you constantly bitch about it every five minutes. just shut the fuck and get over it like i did. i didn't bitch, whine, complain or cry. i wasn't being harassed or treated unfairly (with the exception that i was denied my medications). i did what the guards said and quietly waited for my time to leave.
around seven or eight a couple of guards came to our cell to check for contraband. they had the three of us stand outside while one guard look around. during that time one of the guards asked for my name because i needed to go to court. they had us drop our blankets to check us for contraband and then let us back in the cell.
around thirty minutes later one of the guards came back to the cell and told me that they needed me in court. she asked me what uniform size i wore. i told her a small but she didn't have any so i had to wait for them to get me one. not long after that the guard came back and gave me a red jumpsuit to wear that must've been an extra large. she let me out of the cell and put handcuffs and shackles on me and then walked me and another inmate to court.
on my way to court i passed a bunch of other inmates waiting for something. i saw one guy and he looked very familiar to me, like a guy i had gone to school with. the guard had us sit on a bench outside the court area. i waited for about ten minutes and then was escorted back to my cell because my bail had been posted. it was about time. on the way back we passed the same bunch of inmates. a guard was calling out their names to make sure he had the right ones. when i passed the guy that looked familiar and the guard called out his name. it was the guy that i went to school with. as we walked by we looked each other straight in the eye. i wonder if he recognized me.
back at the 'self harm' ward they gave me my bra and panties back and then walked me down to the releasing area. there i got my other stuff and street clothes back and changed back in them. the officers there kept jokingly asking me about me wanting to commit suicide. i didn't say much to them. after i got dress i went to another officer behind a counter and signed some forms about my upcoming court date. i called my mom to come pick me up and then went outside into the somewhat more free world.
outside the jail i sat on a park bench and waited for my mom to pick me up. my mom drove by and i got in the car and then we went over to the office that set up my bail to sign some more forms. after that i finally went home and james came over and we dyed each other's hair.