through my fingers
through my fingers...
Monday, June 07, 2004
I feel like I really don't exist. Or something like that. Like I don't matter. Physically I feel really sick again/still. And worried about that.
I called my therapist to cancel our session today-not because I wanted to not go, but because I didn't think I was physically up for the two and a half hour each way commute, with about half an hour of that walking. I asked if we could do a phone session-she hasn't called back yet. Trying to stay off-line so she can.
Feeling depressed and lost and very-alone and forgotten. Feelings from childhood, I know. Doesn't make them better. This pain in my belly-it stirs memories. Don't know what they are. Not exactly-dim images of screaming, of the damn hospital bed, of dim rooms distorted by drugs, screaming pain only partly dulled by injections. Vomiting from pain.
don't want to go there. don't know. don't feel alive. I will NOT reject this-I will NOT let them win-I will NOT force these memories away...
But, left with them, I feel left with hands full of sand, slipping through my fingers like time...
Monday, June 07, 2004
I feel like I really don't exist. Or something like that. Like I don't matter. Physically I feel really sick again/still. And worried about that.
I called my therapist to cancel our session today-not because I wanted to not go, but because I didn't think I was physically up for the two and a half hour each way commute, with about half an hour of that walking. I asked if we could do a phone session-she hasn't called back yet. Trying to stay off-line so she can.
Feeling depressed and lost and very-alone and forgotten. Feelings from childhood, I know. Doesn't make them better. This pain in my belly-it stirs memories. Don't know what they are. Not exactly-dim images of screaming, of the damn hospital bed, of dim rooms distorted by drugs, screaming pain only partly dulled by injections. Vomiting from pain.
don't want to go there. don't know. don't feel alive. I will NOT reject this-I will NOT let them win-I will NOT force these memories away...
But, left with them, I feel left with hands full of sand, slipping through my fingers like time...