The Continuing Adventure of Depression
So I had a response paper due today on complementary and alternative medicine and how has it changed America and the healthcare industry, whether I think that it will continue to grow.
But I just can't. I literally wrote a long letter to my professor instead and sent it. I'm so done with my depression. I'm so done with this semester. Some part of me knows that I need to care more... but I just can't find a way to do it.
I've been fighting for my mental health since FEBRUARY. And no matter how hard I fight, I come up the loser.
And fighting for yourself and your health when you are depressed? That's a bitch. That's a bitch and a half. It is one of the most impossible tasks that exist in this world. But I've been doing it, for over half the year.
I've jumped through the hoops and talked to the doctors and filled out the paper work and taken the pills. But when I tell them that the medication isn't working they brush me off, because clearly they know me better than me.
And then I'm SO DEPRESSED I SLEEP THROUGH my fucking appointment. So now I have to wait another week to see my new prescriber. And then another two or three weeks for the medication to kick in, and that's if I'm lucky and the drug is the right one.
How am I supposed to get through the rest of this semester? How am I supposed to get through life?
I’ve spent hours with the material, both the chapters and the slides. At first I was late because I thought the paper was due at midnight not noon. And then I just… can’t. I keep rereading Goldstein’s chapter, and retaining no information. And while I absorbed more from the slides about mindfulness based stress reduction, I’m still struggling to write this paper. This is a cop-out, I know. I could spend this time with the excuses that exist in my life right now (my dad’s back in the hospital, my clinical depression is running unchecked and my prescriber won’t change my prescription for another week), but it really just boils down to the fact that I can’t right now. Intellectually I understand how much grades are going to be suffering and that I need to pull myself together. However, depression is a terrible illness and I’ve been fighting this whole semester to keep myself together. I know that I need to care more; that I need to be more proactive, get my work done. I’m not expecting leniency or a pass or anything. I’m just trying to explain myself so I don’t look like I don’t care. Intellectually, I care a lot. I’m putting my time, my money, and my effort into a graduate degree to get a job and become a full-fledged adult. But depressed-me can’t make myself fake it anymore. I do see the irony in not being able to retain information about complementary and alternative medicine while in a depressed state. I should be practicing meditation or other forms of mindfulness to help get through this until I see my doctor again, as a complement to my (failing) medications. I’m trying as hard as I can right now. But it isn’t enough to get my assignments done. And I’m sorry, sorry for being a lesser student than I can be.
But I just can't. I literally wrote a long letter to my professor instead and sent it. I'm so done with my depression. I'm so done with this semester. Some part of me knows that I need to care more... but I just can't find a way to do it.
I've been fighting for my mental health since FEBRUARY. And no matter how hard I fight, I come up the loser.
And fighting for yourself and your health when you are depressed? That's a bitch. That's a bitch and a half. It is one of the most impossible tasks that exist in this world. But I've been doing it, for over half the year.
I've jumped through the hoops and talked to the doctors and filled out the paper work and taken the pills. But when I tell them that the medication isn't working they brush me off, because clearly they know me better than me.
And then I'm SO DEPRESSED I SLEEP THROUGH my fucking appointment. So now I have to wait another week to see my new prescriber. And then another two or three weeks for the medication to kick in, and that's if I'm lucky and the drug is the right one.
How am I supposed to get through the rest of this semester? How am I supposed to get through life?
I’ve spent hours with the material, both the chapters and the slides. At first I was late because I thought the paper was due at midnight not noon. And then I just… can’t. I keep rereading Goldstein’s chapter, and retaining no information. And while I absorbed more from the slides about mindfulness based stress reduction, I’m still struggling to write this paper. This is a cop-out, I know. I could spend this time with the excuses that exist in my life right now (my dad’s back in the hospital, my clinical depression is running unchecked and my prescriber won’t change my prescription for another week), but it really just boils down to the fact that I can’t right now. Intellectually I understand how much grades are going to be suffering and that I need to pull myself together. However, depression is a terrible illness and I’ve been fighting this whole semester to keep myself together. I know that I need to care more; that I need to be more proactive, get my work done. I’m not expecting leniency or a pass or anything. I’m just trying to explain myself so I don’t look like I don’t care. Intellectually, I care a lot. I’m putting my time, my money, and my effort into a graduate degree to get a job and become a full-fledged adult. But depressed-me can’t make myself fake it anymore. I do see the irony in not being able to retain information about complementary and alternative medicine while in a depressed state. I should be practicing meditation or other forms of mindfulness to help get through this until I see my doctor again, as a complement to my (failing) medications. I’m trying as hard as I can right now. But it isn’t enough to get my assignments done. And I’m sorry, sorry for being a lesser student than I can be.