Grad School and Depression
My depression is kicking me in my ass. It has been almost all year. It started in February and it's been a long road to try and get it back under control. But the fact is, it's still not under control.
I'm exhausted all the time. All I want to do it lay in bed all day, eat chocolate, and watch bad TV. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING. I'm awful with my ADLs...
But up until like Wednesday, I was managing. I was really good at pushing it all down and out and away. And just pretending to be a human. Pretending to be functioning. I go to class, I participate, I get my small easy assignments done. I don't crash on my hour commute there or back, even though I'm chronically and completely exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just power through.
But I can't anymore. And it's a huge problem. I have a 12 source annotated bibliography due last Thursday (10/27 that is). And I still only have 7 of them done. Plus, the sources I do have done are really going to help me write the paper that I need to write in the end. And I just... I'm terrified that I'm going to fail school. I don't know how to push through this.
I see my new presriber on Thursday (11/3), and I'm hoping she'll change something. Because this just isn't okay anymore. I haven't been okay for a while. And I'm sick of it. No one listens to me that something's wrong. The primary care sent me to see a psychiatrist and a sleep doctor. Sleep doctor tells me there's nothing wrong with me even though I'm always, always tired. My first psychiatrist never listened to me that my meds were still off. And now my new psych med prescriber did a genetic test on me and made me wait a month to see her again for her to even consider changing my meds. And I'm jut so done with this shit. I want to be stable. I want to do well in school. I want to be able to graduate and maybe become a full fledged real person. Someone who makes money and doesn't mooch off of her retired aging and recovering-from-major-surgery parents.
At least I see my therapist on Monday. Not that I can afford to see her. Hah.
Is this really life? Is this what it was always meant to be?
I think life is supposed to be more than this.
I'm exhausted all the time. All I want to do it lay in bed all day, eat chocolate, and watch bad TV. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING. I'm awful with my ADLs...
But up until like Wednesday, I was managing. I was really good at pushing it all down and out and away. And just pretending to be a human. Pretending to be functioning. I go to class, I participate, I get my small easy assignments done. I don't crash on my hour commute there or back, even though I'm chronically and completely exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just power through.
But I can't anymore. And it's a huge problem. I have a 12 source annotated bibliography due last Thursday (10/27 that is). And I still only have 7 of them done. Plus, the sources I do have done are really going to help me write the paper that I need to write in the end. And I just... I'm terrified that I'm going to fail school. I don't know how to push through this.
I see my new presriber on Thursday (11/3), and I'm hoping she'll change something. Because this just isn't okay anymore. I haven't been okay for a while. And I'm sick of it. No one listens to me that something's wrong. The primary care sent me to see a psychiatrist and a sleep doctor. Sleep doctor tells me there's nothing wrong with me even though I'm always, always tired. My first psychiatrist never listened to me that my meds were still off. And now my new psych med prescriber did a genetic test on me and made me wait a month to see her again for her to even consider changing my meds. And I'm jut so done with this shit. I want to be stable. I want to do well in school. I want to be able to graduate and maybe become a full fledged real person. Someone who makes money and doesn't mooch off of her retired aging and recovering-from-major-surgery parents.
At least I see my therapist on Monday. Not that I can afford to see her. Hah.
Is this really life? Is this what it was always meant to be?
I think life is supposed to be more than this.