Personal creys and BB-ness squished together.
Because you really won't be interested in this, it's below a cut.
Random ass crying.
Again. That makes it three times this week. URGH.
I am proud of myself for handling my depression sans counselling and meds since being in Japan. Whilst many people do this, it is a massive achievement for me. In the months leading up to my leaving Japan I was in counselling twice a week for non-depression centric reasons (and try explaining your conspicuous absence to your parents when you're living with them). In the first few months I was more concentrated on home sickness, the heat, self loathing, travelling etc. But since January I have been having flash backs again and that on top of the weather related bleeeeh has been making it really frakkin' difficult to just get up every day. Every day, get up, go to work, do nothiing, loathe, be bored, go home if I'm lucky, sit down and start feeling like shit again.
I think about the ways I am trapped in this situation (emotionally). Firstly, I am signed on contract for another 12 months, so in total, here for just over 15 months left. Secondly, I have nothing waiting for me in the UK. My degree is practically redundant for being out of the field so long, and the job market is getting worse and worse. Thirdly, I can not see any of my dreams or plans coming to light. This is because yeah, I am in Japan, that's awesome, but everyday there are reminders of exactly how it is not what I want it to be. It can be wonderful when it's good, but when it's bad here it is AWFUL. This is a lot of my general depression contribution to the down beat-ness, and plenty of silly bite the hand that feeds you feels, but I am so discontent with my life.
Most of all, it's knowing that I have essentially been tricked in to wanting something I know I can't have. I got told around this time last year, by my best friend in the world that she could see me living my dream. That is, moving to New York, getting published and running a book shop. The most glaring issues with this are - it is nigh impossible to get a green card, I am a shit writer (I really am so please skip over this one) and the economy is up the cacky, so there's no way I could get the money to start or the income to run a bookshop. Also, everything I touch turn to shit one way or another. Proof - my life so far. Hey me being a whinging spoilt thing again, but the bad shit that has stuck with me is the shit I can barely cope with. Ie the emotional baggage.
Which leads me back to the flashbacks and the self loathing. I cannot see this stuff ever leaving me. The logical parts of my mind are all in agreement that I am being irrational, but I can't stop feeling this way. Is any amount of counselling ever going to help me? I don't think so. Thus I am stuck in a stupid whirlpool of crap. EH.
Now on to the stuff that doesn't involve a pity party (herrr as if!).
I am entered into the next DCBB - that's Dean Castiel Big Bang for the uninformed. Now, last year, things fell through - the fic is still actually being worked on, and I will eventually finish it, to a standard I am happy with. Doesn't bode well with this year, but I do really really want to do it. I want to have a goal that should be achievable. I am looking at Write or Die (http://writeordie.com/) "Putting the 'Prod' in 'Producitivy'". Maybe it will be the much needed kick up my backside to getting this dooone. I had loads of ideas for this, but have stuck with one that I can't make complicated, and it seems to be writing itself fairly easily atm. It has required some planning, a little bit of heavy research, and some very very blush making research (SERIOUSLY - I may well make a post about that experience on its own).
With the help of the ever so lovely swordofmymouth and my IRL email buddy who shall go unnamed unless she's happy with it (you know who you are, Aso-san!)
Well. Huh. I have a tentative confidence.
GET THAT NEWLY BOUGHT KETTLE ON, BITCH IS READY.
Tralala cup of coffee procrastination trololol.
Random ass crying.
Again. That makes it three times this week. URGH.
I am proud of myself for handling my depression sans counselling and meds since being in Japan. Whilst many people do this, it is a massive achievement for me. In the months leading up to my leaving Japan I was in counselling twice a week for non-depression centric reasons (and try explaining your conspicuous absence to your parents when you're living with them). In the first few months I was more concentrated on home sickness, the heat, self loathing, travelling etc. But since January I have been having flash backs again and that on top of the weather related bleeeeh has been making it really frakkin' difficult to just get up every day. Every day, get up, go to work, do nothiing, loathe, be bored, go home if I'm lucky, sit down and start feeling like shit again.
I think about the ways I am trapped in this situation (emotionally). Firstly, I am signed on contract for another 12 months, so in total, here for just over 15 months left. Secondly, I have nothing waiting for me in the UK. My degree is practically redundant for being out of the field so long, and the job market is getting worse and worse. Thirdly, I can not see any of my dreams or plans coming to light. This is because yeah, I am in Japan, that's awesome, but everyday there are reminders of exactly how it is not what I want it to be. It can be wonderful when it's good, but when it's bad here it is AWFUL. This is a lot of my general depression contribution to the down beat-ness, and plenty of silly bite the hand that feeds you feels, but I am so discontent with my life.
Most of all, it's knowing that I have essentially been tricked in to wanting something I know I can't have. I got told around this time last year, by my best friend in the world that she could see me living my dream. That is, moving to New York, getting published and running a book shop. The most glaring issues with this are - it is nigh impossible to get a green card, I am a shit writer (I really am so please skip over this one) and the economy is up the cacky, so there's no way I could get the money to start or the income to run a bookshop. Also, everything I touch turn to shit one way or another. Proof - my life so far. Hey me being a whinging spoilt thing again, but the bad shit that has stuck with me is the shit I can barely cope with. Ie the emotional baggage.
Which leads me back to the flashbacks and the self loathing. I cannot see this stuff ever leaving me. The logical parts of my mind are all in agreement that I am being irrational, but I can't stop feeling this way. Is any amount of counselling ever going to help me? I don't think so. Thus I am stuck in a stupid whirlpool of crap. EH.
Now on to the stuff that doesn't involve a pity party (herrr as if!).
I am entered into the next DCBB - that's Dean Castiel Big Bang for the uninformed. Now, last year, things fell through - the fic is still actually being worked on, and I will eventually finish it, to a standard I am happy with. Doesn't bode well with this year, but I do really really want to do it. I want to have a goal that should be achievable. I am looking at Write or Die (http://writeordie.com/) "Putting the 'Prod' in 'Producitivy'". Maybe it will be the much needed kick up my backside to getting this dooone. I had loads of ideas for this, but have stuck with one that I can't make complicated, and it seems to be writing itself fairly easily atm. It has required some planning, a little bit of heavy research, and some very very blush making research (SERIOUSLY - I may well make a post about that experience on its own).
With the help of the ever so lovely swordofmymouth and my IRL email buddy who shall go unnamed unless she's happy with it (you know who you are, Aso-san!)
Well. Huh. I have a tentative confidence.
GET THAT NEWLY BOUGHT KETTLE ON, BITCH IS READY.
Tralala cup of coffee procrastination trololol.