step by step
Yesterday was the last day of work. I'm a little upset about it to really talk about how great and awful it was at the same time; great in that everyone was coming together for one last time and awful because I don't think I will ever be seeing those same faces again. This is a ritual that I have to become familiar with since it happens so often in life that people come and go.
Sometimes I think I'm doomed to a future that I will dislike. This morning, I was thinking carefully and deeply about what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be happy, most of all. I think deep down, I am a fighter, but perhaps because of my careful nature I know when to pick my fights. Ever since I was young, when others would provoke me or verbally attack me, I'd let it pass until a moment came when I felt that it was necessary to stand up for myself. In the face of physical abuse, I never stood up for myself at all. Retaliation against that type of abuse is unnecessary to me. I've been a pacifist for the longest I can remember. When I was younger and other children would hit me or smack me as little kids often do when they're angry, I never fought back.
As I grew older, I became more rowdy with my cousins. I would fight back if they hit me, I wouldn't back down from a playfight just because I was a girl. Sometimes I'd get myself in trouble for fighting with my boy-cousins. More often than not, I'd lose in the playfight and end up crying and having my parents step in and swiftly pluck me out of an embarrassing situation. By the time I'd hit proper junior high age, I'd realized that fighting was almost never the answer. Other kids would laugh and joke about fighting "at the playground, after school", but to me, it seemed silly and dangerous. I learned how to choose my battles when I was young, and now the carefulness that I have taken with my previous decisions weighs upon me heavily when I decide irrationally to run away rather than to stand my ground.
This morning, I had a dream. I dreamed that my parents were different people. My father and mother were kind, open-minded and honest individuals that cared deeply about my happiness, rather than the family's honor or status. I am their daughter, but at times, I can't tell who they consider more as family - our relatives, who they are constantly trying to impress, or myself. I don't have faith in them to make beneficial decisions for me. They don't even know who I am. I have had, ever since I was a young child, to guard myself in front of them. I had to lie, distort the truth, or omit information from them completely. I have had forbidden relationships with non-Muslim boys, the same relationships that have never dealt with sex. I think at times they do not know that a Muslim girl in an non-Muslim country is an outcast. My friends do not understand the meaning of honor and loyalty to family. Their understanding is limited with parents who decide to knuckle down on their children only when they have gone astray. My parents have suppressed me since the day I was born.
What is there to hope for? I want to ask God that every night. Muslims say that every unfortunate act occurs due to sin, and that this is payment for what I have done in my life. I will never understand that to truly love God is to fear him. So that is why, my parents decided to force me to fear them, rather than love them - because they knew that nothing but fear would work. There are strong ties to family, ties that demand children obey their parents and honor them to the end of their lives. There is no honor in running away to establish a life outside of religious background. There is no honor in a girl who wants nothing to do with family and religion. People don't understand that a family who forces fear isn't a family at all. There are two ways to establish a relationship: through fear, and through love. I'd rather love my parents than fear them any day.
So deep down, I'm not sure what I want, or how I'm going to get what I want. But not knowing what I want or how to get what I want to be happy is better than having others make decisions about my life.
I will know this to the end of my days.
Sometimes I think I'm doomed to a future that I will dislike. This morning, I was thinking carefully and deeply about what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be happy, most of all. I think deep down, I am a fighter, but perhaps because of my careful nature I know when to pick my fights. Ever since I was young, when others would provoke me or verbally attack me, I'd let it pass until a moment came when I felt that it was necessary to stand up for myself. In the face of physical abuse, I never stood up for myself at all. Retaliation against that type of abuse is unnecessary to me. I've been a pacifist for the longest I can remember. When I was younger and other children would hit me or smack me as little kids often do when they're angry, I never fought back.
As I grew older, I became more rowdy with my cousins. I would fight back if they hit me, I wouldn't back down from a playfight just because I was a girl. Sometimes I'd get myself in trouble for fighting with my boy-cousins. More often than not, I'd lose in the playfight and end up crying and having my parents step in and swiftly pluck me out of an embarrassing situation. By the time I'd hit proper junior high age, I'd realized that fighting was almost never the answer. Other kids would laugh and joke about fighting "at the playground, after school", but to me, it seemed silly and dangerous. I learned how to choose my battles when I was young, and now the carefulness that I have taken with my previous decisions weighs upon me heavily when I decide irrationally to run away rather than to stand my ground.
This morning, I had a dream. I dreamed that my parents were different people. My father and mother were kind, open-minded and honest individuals that cared deeply about my happiness, rather than the family's honor or status. I am their daughter, but at times, I can't tell who they consider more as family - our relatives, who they are constantly trying to impress, or myself. I don't have faith in them to make beneficial decisions for me. They don't even know who I am. I have had, ever since I was a young child, to guard myself in front of them. I had to lie, distort the truth, or omit information from them completely. I have had forbidden relationships with non-Muslim boys, the same relationships that have never dealt with sex. I think at times they do not know that a Muslim girl in an non-Muslim country is an outcast. My friends do not understand the meaning of honor and loyalty to family. Their understanding is limited with parents who decide to knuckle down on their children only when they have gone astray. My parents have suppressed me since the day I was born.
What is there to hope for? I want to ask God that every night. Muslims say that every unfortunate act occurs due to sin, and that this is payment for what I have done in my life. I will never understand that to truly love God is to fear him. So that is why, my parents decided to force me to fear them, rather than love them - because they knew that nothing but fear would work. There are strong ties to family, ties that demand children obey their parents and honor them to the end of their lives. There is no honor in running away to establish a life outside of religious background. There is no honor in a girl who wants nothing to do with family and religion. People don't understand that a family who forces fear isn't a family at all. There are two ways to establish a relationship: through fear, and through love. I'd rather love my parents than fear them any day.
So deep down, I'm not sure what I want, or how I'm going to get what I want. But not knowing what I want or how to get what I want to be happy is better than having others make decisions about my life.
I will know this to the end of my days.