(no subject)
I don't even know where to start. There's been a long while now where I've written a journal entry over and over again and it just hasn't quite come out right. It hasn't quite captured what I'm feeling. It's hasn't quite said what I wanted it to say. And maybe that's because there's a lot in here. A lot going on, a lot that I'm thinking about, a lot that i'm feeling, a lot to sort through, a lot... period. and a quick journal entry, allocated to one specific point and time, in one specific day just doesn't seem to do it justice. and yet, here i am, drunk, listening to emotionally inspiring songs, thinking about what can only be classified in the vague colloquillism that has become my favorite saying these days: "all of the above".
i went to a raptor game today. i had an amazing time. i won a raptors prize pack! the raptors won by 20 points! we're on a 5 game winning streak! i was on a triple date with andrew/xiomara and tom/wil (of course, with megan). then we went to this new bar we discovered and got smashed. and i played pool with chris and kicked his ass and then we went and got free pizza from pizza pizza because the raps scored more than 100 points. i finished yet another project for ICICI (i swear i'm the most productive creative coordinator ever). i had a blast. the day was amazing. then, chris drove me home and we sat in my driveway for an hour and talked. and we had a great conversation about life and choices and other powerful things. amazing. my life is just amazing
i don't even know how to encapsulate that in words. that's the problem. there's just so much amazing in my life right now.
i had a quick MSN convo with pamela today. i'm feeling restless with my relationship with megan. she said: maybe you should take some time apart and see if you miss her.
so the last little bit, i've been taking some time apart from weed. it's been a few weeks now and today i had a very drunken moment of weakness. i wanted to smoke. bad. chris and tom (my partners in this endeavour to refrain from smoking until the decided date) kept me from doing this. mary jane was good to me and i missed her. i forgot why she wasn't good for me. i forgot why i stopped seeing her. i forgot... and i missed her. but i didn't do it.
i've spent a little under a week away from megan. kinda sorting stuff out in my head. i didn't cave, i didn't go see her, i didn't really miss her. i mean, there were times when i wanted to. but... i didn't feel a "need" to. and that's what i was looking for. i was looking to feel that weakness, to feel that moment of need, of necessity; of "why can't i just be with her?" i was looking to feel the emptiness, the void, the sadness... the one that coldplay songs about loneliness make you feel. but i didn't. and i thought that was a bad thing.
the thing is, weed is bad for me. it's not physically addictive, but i have a problem. i've been smoking so long that it's become my supplement for those moments when i allow boredom to overtake my own imagination and creativity. weed makes it ok to be bored. because if i'm high and i'm standing there staring, if i'm high and i'm sitting there staring, if i'm high and i'm lying there staring... it's all good. because i'm not just staring, i'm high. it's beautiful because i accept myself in my most incapable version. the beauty, though, doesn't lie in my lack of capacity. it lies in my acceptance of myself.
when i'm sober, i'm too skinny, i try too hard, i think too much, i talk to much, i don't eat enough, i eat too much, i'm too insecure, i'm overcompensating, i'm too devious, i'm too detached, i'm too attached, i'm too needy, i'm totally distanced, i'm too close, i'm too far, i'm numb, i feel too much, i hurt, why don't i hurt?, isn't it supposed to?, is this how it's supposed to be?, am i supposed to be here?, am i doing it right?, what if i'm wrong?, does any of this fucking matter?...
when i'm high... it's quiet. and i can stare into nothing. and it's ok. and i used to think it was cuz mary jane loved me. "she's always been good to me." but it's just fucking weed. the truth is, it's me. love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. it's acceptance. it's seeing what is for what it REALLY is. and seeing just how beautiful that is; how beautiful that REALLY is. weed isn't love. and mary jane hasn't always beeen good to me. she just made it easier for me to see the perfection in my own imperfections.
so i didn't miss megan. and i didn't feel the void. and i didn't feel the need. and i realize now that that's what i love about this. that i don't need this girl. this is choice. this is want. this is intention and desire. this is me trying to figure out who i am. this is me in my confusion, empowered by my own acceptance of it, and driven my disatisfaction with it. this isn't me succumbing to a moment of weakness, this isn't me falling victim to a drunken craving, this isn't instant gratification. this isn't an addiction. and today, when i kissed her by the train station like those couples in the movies, i meant it.
i REALLY did.
i went to a raptor game today. i had an amazing time. i won a raptors prize pack! the raptors won by 20 points! we're on a 5 game winning streak! i was on a triple date with andrew/xiomara and tom/wil (of course, with megan). then we went to this new bar we discovered and got smashed. and i played pool with chris and kicked his ass and then we went and got free pizza from pizza pizza because the raps scored more than 100 points. i finished yet another project for ICICI (i swear i'm the most productive creative coordinator ever). i had a blast. the day was amazing. then, chris drove me home and we sat in my driveway for an hour and talked. and we had a great conversation about life and choices and other powerful things. amazing. my life is just amazing
i don't even know how to encapsulate that in words. that's the problem. there's just so much amazing in my life right now.
i had a quick MSN convo with pamela today. i'm feeling restless with my relationship with megan. she said: maybe you should take some time apart and see if you miss her.
so the last little bit, i've been taking some time apart from weed. it's been a few weeks now and today i had a very drunken moment of weakness. i wanted to smoke. bad. chris and tom (my partners in this endeavour to refrain from smoking until the decided date) kept me from doing this. mary jane was good to me and i missed her. i forgot why she wasn't good for me. i forgot why i stopped seeing her. i forgot... and i missed her. but i didn't do it.
i've spent a little under a week away from megan. kinda sorting stuff out in my head. i didn't cave, i didn't go see her, i didn't really miss her. i mean, there were times when i wanted to. but... i didn't feel a "need" to. and that's what i was looking for. i was looking to feel that weakness, to feel that moment of need, of necessity; of "why can't i just be with her?" i was looking to feel the emptiness, the void, the sadness... the one that coldplay songs about loneliness make you feel. but i didn't. and i thought that was a bad thing.
the thing is, weed is bad for me. it's not physically addictive, but i have a problem. i've been smoking so long that it's become my supplement for those moments when i allow boredom to overtake my own imagination and creativity. weed makes it ok to be bored. because if i'm high and i'm standing there staring, if i'm high and i'm sitting there staring, if i'm high and i'm lying there staring... it's all good. because i'm not just staring, i'm high. it's beautiful because i accept myself in my most incapable version. the beauty, though, doesn't lie in my lack of capacity. it lies in my acceptance of myself.
when i'm sober, i'm too skinny, i try too hard, i think too much, i talk to much, i don't eat enough, i eat too much, i'm too insecure, i'm overcompensating, i'm too devious, i'm too detached, i'm too attached, i'm too needy, i'm totally distanced, i'm too close, i'm too far, i'm numb, i feel too much, i hurt, why don't i hurt?, isn't it supposed to?, is this how it's supposed to be?, am i supposed to be here?, am i doing it right?, what if i'm wrong?, does any of this fucking matter?...
when i'm high... it's quiet. and i can stare into nothing. and it's ok. and i used to think it was cuz mary jane loved me. "she's always been good to me." but it's just fucking weed. the truth is, it's me. love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. it's acceptance. it's seeing what is for what it REALLY is. and seeing just how beautiful that is; how beautiful that REALLY is. weed isn't love. and mary jane hasn't always beeen good to me. she just made it easier for me to see the perfection in my own imperfections.
so i didn't miss megan. and i didn't feel the void. and i didn't feel the need. and i realize now that that's what i love about this. that i don't need this girl. this is choice. this is want. this is intention and desire. this is me trying to figure out who i am. this is me in my confusion, empowered by my own acceptance of it, and driven my disatisfaction with it. this isn't me succumbing to a moment of weakness, this isn't me falling victim to a drunken craving, this isn't instant gratification. this isn't an addiction. and today, when i kissed her by the train station like those couples in the movies, i meant it.
i REALLY did.