Knowing Who We Are
People tend to wonder throughout their life, "Who am I?" And that question is always a tough one to answer. It's so general and leaves a lot to think about. Is it really something you can scientifically calculate? Is there an infallible equation that can tell each person who they truly are? I was recently asked by my roommate if I know who I am. My answer was this: I know who I am... Though who I am is very different from who I have been in the last few years.
Let's take a look in the last ten years. The beginning of the decade started with high school. My attitude had changed from being socially meek to someone who didn't care what anyone really thought or said. I was invincible. I had my first love and more friends than I had ever had. I was part of something, but I didn't put much effort in to being the best. I was just happy to feel like I belonged and was having fun doing it. I barely scraped by in my grades. I didn't bother to study for tests or do most of my homework because my social life was the most important thing(since I had never had one before).
But the things that have changed me in the last ten years were, at least I've thought so until now, bad experiences alone that changed me. For example, my experience in love had been beaten and grown and changed and wizened. I was treated like a princess and broken through some of the biggest betrayals I've ever experienced. Beyond that, I spent my first 6 months living practically on my own. I learned a lot about the type of person I was and who I wanted to be. Though, most of the lessons I learned from that part of my life, I learned after the fact.
I certainly learned that I'm no where near invincible. In fact, I went through a period(which some days I feel like I am still in) where I was scared to live. The day I left for my six months away, my Pop-pa died. I had actually planned our trip out of the way to go see him , but that morning I was woken up by a call from my dad saying I wouldn't need to head there. Now, it's not like people in my life haven't died; I've just never been quite that close to them. I remember sobbing because when my dad, who never cries for anything, started crying on the phone, I couldn't help it. I never did get to go to his funeral because I had to get to WDW for my internship... the experience of a lifetime. An experience that I never would have gone through if it weren't for my best friend Steph. She was so excited and finally convinced me to get past my fear of something so out of my comfort zone because she would be right by my side through the whole thing. Those six months changed our friendship, and taught me one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned: Things can be replaced; people can't.
The year following WDW, I didn't speak to Steph if I could help it. I was a horrible friend and she never understood exactly why because I was selfish and immature and never told her. When I went to visit my mom, she's the one who told me to forgive this girl who had been like my sister. The things can be replaced and that if something ever happened I would be sorry. When I got home I felt so silly about the whole thing. I called her up so late, waking her during her last week at her second round of internships. I remember being so excited to hear she would be coming home soon and that I could set things right. And of course, Steph being the person she was forgave me immediately. In fact, in the following months she helped plan my 21st birthday.
I remember the night she wanted to get together with her friends before she left on her trip to Colorado. She invited a ton of people. She came and picked me up to head to the bar. And no one else ever showed up. But it was some of the best conversation we ever had. And I apologized for being so stupid over something that meant nothing and not treating her the way she deserved. And she forgave me. August 6, 2006 she got into a car accident and died while on her trip in Colorado. My world was shattered. I don't think I've ever cried so hard for so long over anything. Someone so young, good, warm hearted, out going, and with such a zest for life. That's when I learned something else: Life is too short to stress the things that won't really matter later.
I've lived with friends, family and even enemies. I've been engaged and single and in over my head. I've had no job, a bad job, a good job, an easy job and learned from every single one I've had or not gotten. Sometimes it was instant knowledge, and others had to be beaten in to that thick head of mine. But I always try not to have regrets. And even with recent loss of my other grandfather, a man who helped raise me for 10+ years, I try not to dwell on the woulda-coulda-shoulda of it all. If anything, I think it has just made me appreciate being alive even more. Even in times of impatience, anger, frustration and insanity, after that's all done with, being happy and enjoying be alive and loved is well worth any of the headaches. To be able to wander outside and inhale the (mostly) fresh air, look at the beauty of natures creations, and even some of the man made wonders around me feels like a blessing and a gift.
I've never been a religious person. Faith isn't something I could say I have in my life in regards to anything. Faith in people is only a recipe for disaster, but it's just the nature of the beast. If you had told me even a year ago that I would be in church *voluntarily* 3 days a week, I would have laughed at you, called you crazy and walked away. But I've been coming here for a few months now, and I feel like a little part of me I didn't know what to with is jumping around inside of me begging for more. Like there's an answer to something that I couldn't figure out in my life that I can find right here. I've felt like I'm just going through the motions of life and it's just not good enough. I need to know more and I need to figure out if this what I'm missing. I felt lost and I'm hoping this will be the way. Only time will tell, but either way I'm happy. I can find many things to feel joyful about and not many people can say that. If through everything I've learned, good and bad, I *know* that i am loved and that forgiveness is a powerful and necessary thing. I just hope I can keep an open mind and heart to be ready for whatever comes my way in the days ahead.
Let's take a look in the last ten years. The beginning of the decade started with high school. My attitude had changed from being socially meek to someone who didn't care what anyone really thought or said. I was invincible. I had my first love and more friends than I had ever had. I was part of something, but I didn't put much effort in to being the best. I was just happy to feel like I belonged and was having fun doing it. I barely scraped by in my grades. I didn't bother to study for tests or do most of my homework because my social life was the most important thing(since I had never had one before).
But the things that have changed me in the last ten years were, at least I've thought so until now, bad experiences alone that changed me. For example, my experience in love had been beaten and grown and changed and wizened. I was treated like a princess and broken through some of the biggest betrayals I've ever experienced. Beyond that, I spent my first 6 months living practically on my own. I learned a lot about the type of person I was and who I wanted to be. Though, most of the lessons I learned from that part of my life, I learned after the fact.
I certainly learned that I'm no where near invincible. In fact, I went through a period(which some days I feel like I am still in) where I was scared to live. The day I left for my six months away, my Pop-pa died. I had actually planned our trip out of the way to go see him , but that morning I was woken up by a call from my dad saying I wouldn't need to head there. Now, it's not like people in my life haven't died; I've just never been quite that close to them. I remember sobbing because when my dad, who never cries for anything, started crying on the phone, I couldn't help it. I never did get to go to his funeral because I had to get to WDW for my internship... the experience of a lifetime. An experience that I never would have gone through if it weren't for my best friend Steph. She was so excited and finally convinced me to get past my fear of something so out of my comfort zone because she would be right by my side through the whole thing. Those six months changed our friendship, and taught me one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned: Things can be replaced; people can't.
The year following WDW, I didn't speak to Steph if I could help it. I was a horrible friend and she never understood exactly why because I was selfish and immature and never told her. When I went to visit my mom, she's the one who told me to forgive this girl who had been like my sister. The things can be replaced and that if something ever happened I would be sorry. When I got home I felt so silly about the whole thing. I called her up so late, waking her during her last week at her second round of internships. I remember being so excited to hear she would be coming home soon and that I could set things right. And of course, Steph being the person she was forgave me immediately. In fact, in the following months she helped plan my 21st birthday.
I remember the night she wanted to get together with her friends before she left on her trip to Colorado. She invited a ton of people. She came and picked me up to head to the bar. And no one else ever showed up. But it was some of the best conversation we ever had. And I apologized for being so stupid over something that meant nothing and not treating her the way she deserved. And she forgave me. August 6, 2006 she got into a car accident and died while on her trip in Colorado. My world was shattered. I don't think I've ever cried so hard for so long over anything. Someone so young, good, warm hearted, out going, and with such a zest for life. That's when I learned something else: Life is too short to stress the things that won't really matter later.
I've lived with friends, family and even enemies. I've been engaged and single and in over my head. I've had no job, a bad job, a good job, an easy job and learned from every single one I've had or not gotten. Sometimes it was instant knowledge, and others had to be beaten in to that thick head of mine. But I always try not to have regrets. And even with recent loss of my other grandfather, a man who helped raise me for 10+ years, I try not to dwell on the woulda-coulda-shoulda of it all. If anything, I think it has just made me appreciate being alive even more. Even in times of impatience, anger, frustration and insanity, after that's all done with, being happy and enjoying be alive and loved is well worth any of the headaches. To be able to wander outside and inhale the (mostly) fresh air, look at the beauty of natures creations, and even some of the man made wonders around me feels like a blessing and a gift.
I've never been a religious person. Faith isn't something I could say I have in my life in regards to anything. Faith in people is only a recipe for disaster, but it's just the nature of the beast. If you had told me even a year ago that I would be in church *voluntarily* 3 days a week, I would have laughed at you, called you crazy and walked away. But I've been coming here for a few months now, and I feel like a little part of me I didn't know what to with is jumping around inside of me begging for more. Like there's an answer to something that I couldn't figure out in my life that I can find right here. I've felt like I'm just going through the motions of life and it's just not good enough. I need to know more and I need to figure out if this what I'm missing. I felt lost and I'm hoping this will be the way. Only time will tell, but either way I'm happy. I can find many things to feel joyful about and not many people can say that. If through everything I've learned, good and bad, I *know* that i am loved and that forgiveness is a powerful and necessary thing. I just hope I can keep an open mind and heart to be ready for whatever comes my way in the days ahead.