Its Quiet...Dont Let Me Think...
Its 6:46PM Detroit Time on Tuesday Jan. 24th and we are passing through wisconsin on the way home to detroit.... Its too quiet and quietness always makes me start thinking...which Im not sure is good or bad.....
TJ's Meeting with his family and brothers went well from what i have heard so far, he had good talks with all of them and even got to take home the pine wood chest that his father built specially for him years ago.... All in All i am happy TJ got the opportunity to travel back to see the life he left behind, i am also glad myself and Marc could be here to help him thru the rough times and hard moments..... i know he is thankful as well.
Last night as i slept at the hotel without him i clutched his penguin tightly, it smelled like him and reminded me of him, i also felt it would help me feel if things were going badly where he was 20+ miles away.... All turned out well as i previously stated but i wasn't sure for a little while, i had some great conversation with marc and i think it helped our friendship a little, at least i hope it did. I am tired of seeing him as just my boyfriends boss, if TJ likes and trusts him i want to know him too.
I guess im just in a wierd mood right now i want to write but really dont know what to talk about.... it smells like there is an electrical fire ahead of us, but i can not place where....i hope our van isnt on fire.....if dont make it back i died in a van fire....then again my laptop is here too so nobody will ever read this....lol
I guess the foremost thing on my mind is the fact that me and tj are drifting apart in my opinion......i refuse to allow a almost 1 year relationship die for any stupid reason so it is going to be my mission to fix anything and everything thats wrong in our relationship, i dont know what or how but i am going to do it. TJ means the world to me and i dont think i totally show it or he sees it completely but my stomach turns even thinking about trying to find a new boyfriend..... I love him with all my heart, all my soul, and all the energy i can devote to 1 person..... if i could find a way to electrocute myself everytime i said something hurtful to him i would.... i know i say things in haste and they are hurtful but that is the person i am, i do not consider all consequences to a situation before i say something or act, and i know i should work on it but i really like it like that...i like forwardness....no frills no sugar coating..... Biggest thing is we need to talk to one another...just before this trip TJ tried to hide something from me (not that i dont do it too) but i eventually got it out of him, and when it did come out it came out in hurt and anger not in loving conversation...... i have really tried to talk to him but i know im nowhere near 100% in talking about EVERYTHING with him.....we both try...i think we just both need to try more. I dont think either of us will be truly happy until we can freely talk to one another and no matter how devastating never hide a single thing....
*Pause for RestStop* 7:15P EST
Now i am in the back with TJ virtually sleeping at my feet, this is a new Paragraph because when i stop writing i can never come back with the same train of thought, maybe why i can write fiction for hours but have a problem coming back to it after a while.....i should work on my story...really i should......hmmmm maybe a good idea....
He is playing with my leg....i get chills down my spine just from feeling him touch me.....then again i always did love to be touched....any skin contact...but from him...it just feels warm and safe and always calms me down if i am upset...... i dont think he realizes thats why i grab hold of him in arguments...i dont want to take a swing at him i just want to feel him and hope that i realize i am fighting for something i dont need to be. he just grabbed my left hand......god i love him.....hes not even reading this....wait now he gave me my hand back....and well...use your immagination....hes rubbing my...................back! hehehe
Tired of hearing about tj yet? too bad! my LJ!
TJ made me horny...so i better stop now before this gets graphic..... lol.....i may continue later
*Stops LJ Update 7:23P EST
TJ's Meeting with his family and brothers went well from what i have heard so far, he had good talks with all of them and even got to take home the pine wood chest that his father built specially for him years ago.... All in All i am happy TJ got the opportunity to travel back to see the life he left behind, i am also glad myself and Marc could be here to help him thru the rough times and hard moments..... i know he is thankful as well.
Last night as i slept at the hotel without him i clutched his penguin tightly, it smelled like him and reminded me of him, i also felt it would help me feel if things were going badly where he was 20+ miles away.... All turned out well as i previously stated but i wasn't sure for a little while, i had some great conversation with marc and i think it helped our friendship a little, at least i hope it did. I am tired of seeing him as just my boyfriends boss, if TJ likes and trusts him i want to know him too.
I guess im just in a wierd mood right now i want to write but really dont know what to talk about.... it smells like there is an electrical fire ahead of us, but i can not place where....i hope our van isnt on fire.....if dont make it back i died in a van fire....then again my laptop is here too so nobody will ever read this....lol
I guess the foremost thing on my mind is the fact that me and tj are drifting apart in my opinion......i refuse to allow a almost 1 year relationship die for any stupid reason so it is going to be my mission to fix anything and everything thats wrong in our relationship, i dont know what or how but i am going to do it. TJ means the world to me and i dont think i totally show it or he sees it completely but my stomach turns even thinking about trying to find a new boyfriend..... I love him with all my heart, all my soul, and all the energy i can devote to 1 person..... if i could find a way to electrocute myself everytime i said something hurtful to him i would.... i know i say things in haste and they are hurtful but that is the person i am, i do not consider all consequences to a situation before i say something or act, and i know i should work on it but i really like it like that...i like forwardness....no frills no sugar coating..... Biggest thing is we need to talk to one another...just before this trip TJ tried to hide something from me (not that i dont do it too) but i eventually got it out of him, and when it did come out it came out in hurt and anger not in loving conversation...... i have really tried to talk to him but i know im nowhere near 100% in talking about EVERYTHING with him.....we both try...i think we just both need to try more. I dont think either of us will be truly happy until we can freely talk to one another and no matter how devastating never hide a single thing....
*Pause for RestStop* 7:15P EST
Now i am in the back with TJ virtually sleeping at my feet, this is a new Paragraph because when i stop writing i can never come back with the same train of thought, maybe why i can write fiction for hours but have a problem coming back to it after a while.....i should work on my story...really i should......hmmmm maybe a good idea....
He is playing with my leg....i get chills down my spine just from feeling him touch me.....then again i always did love to be touched....any skin contact...but from him...it just feels warm and safe and always calms me down if i am upset...... i dont think he realizes thats why i grab hold of him in arguments...i dont want to take a swing at him i just want to feel him and hope that i realize i am fighting for something i dont need to be. he just grabbed my left hand......god i love him.....hes not even reading this....wait now he gave me my hand back....and well...use your immagination....hes rubbing my...................back! hehehe
Tired of hearing about tj yet? too bad! my LJ!
TJ made me horny...so i better stop now before this gets graphic..... lol.....i may continue later
*Stops LJ Update 7:23P EST