Mar 15, 2006 08:19
Lack of sleep is hard to function with. I cried myself to sleep again last night, then after 4 hours I woke to cry for rest of the four hours I was suppose to be sleeping. I can't be any more alone than I am right now. But I would rather be alone than feel this miserable for the rest of my life. My feelings right now are those of frustration and lack of self worth. It's hard to think any one would want to be with me for any length of time.
I'm angry at him for everything that's happened. Although I know what has happened is wrong, I should have never tolerated it making me just as much to blame as him, but I did allow it. And I allowed it to esculate to the level it is currently at. Now I have to learn how to terminate and prevent things like that from happening again. The problem is I don't know how.. I don't know how to prevent this, it seems I'm prone to it; other than avoid everyone and not get involved.
I can't concentrate on anything. I see him and I get disgusted. He wants to hug me and tell me everything will be okay cause he's changing. Even though I say it's a little late for that. His response, it's never to late. It's not late for him to improve himself, but it's too late to fix this marriage.
I want to tell him I'm leaving, but I never have the nerve to do so even though I have been looking at apts. I guess I'll tell him while I'm packing..
I hate being weak...