Social Anxiety
I'm still hurting from not being able to stay at the brewpub at the trans and allies event with the person who recognized me from the online support group. It kept me from going to the group again today. I want connection, but it hurts so much.
The anxiety I feel about going out to places while wearing a respirator seems worse too. Miriam went with me to pick up an online pet food order and to get some stuff at CostCo, and part of it is because we like doing things together, but part of it was supporting me. I was in a sort of constant low-grade anxiety the whole time I was there, and asked Miriam to stay with me in line instead of going to order hot dogs to take with us because interacting with the cashier on my own was scary.
I used to enjoy chatting with random strangers. Once I even spent most of an hour chatting with a busker in New Orleans, sang a song with him for some tourists, and played a few chords on his guitar to demonstrate the left-handed way I was playing because of wrist pain. I have a picture of him I took on Flickr. It seems like another life. Sometimes I think about him and hope he's been ok.
I'm talking in therapy about the problems I have with taking up metaphorical space and setting boundaries (and thereby indirectly addressing the fear I have when I don't meet social expectations), but it feels like a band-aid on a wound that needs sutures.
I don't know how to fix it. Instead, I'm pointedly trying not to think about it lately and getting lost in manga and anime.