(no subject)
This is not a very polished post.
The last few days have been pretty rough.
I attended the weekly online trans support group the week before last, for the first time in many months, and had a really nice time. I'd been avoiding that, as well as the Facebook trans groups I was in, because reading about people being social just hurt too much when I can't do those things myself. On top of my dad's death and everything else, it was too much.
But I'd gotten my grief somewhat more under control. Miriam and I had also worked out ways for me to be social in limited ways, too, and together that had me feeling stable enough to want to be reach out again. I did and it was good.
This past Wednesday, I was in the group a second time and it made me crash pretty hard again.
I ended up talking a little bit about how distressed I'd gotten in grad school when I was reading about social justice in an urban context. That I ended up feeling like there was nothing I could do to fix the broken systems and it made me non-functionally depressed. One of the local community organizers talked about how hard it is for her, too, dealing with the bureaucracies and politics of the local area. She's been burned out, and has recently been trying to reconnect with her motivations for doing the work that she does. A primary motivation for her is community and "queer joy." "I want to kiss cute girls," she said.
That hurt so much. Of course she didn't mean it to. But it hurt deeply. On top of that, she was also talking about having just begun a relationship with a new partner, so she was pretty bubbly about that and about community and joy of being with others.
I still can't have that in the same way. I WANT TO KISS CUTE GIRLS TOO, GODDAMMIT. I want to meet people and date people and have sex with people. But I can't, and I don't know when I'll be able to and it hurts a lot. That need for community would be one of my primary sources of motivation and joy if I could pursue it, but I can't right now. Instead, it's a source of pain. What do I do instead?
I left the group early and was not at my most emotionally stable for a couple days. I was working on getting myself together when the next thing happened.
I've wanted to get together with Train Girl for so long. I like her, we have similar interests, and we are both starved for in-person contact and touch. She recently said that I am her only local trans friend and am important to her. She posted on Facebook wondering whether there are still professional cuddlers since Covid, and I pointed her at Cuddle Comfort, a website that connects people looking for cuddles. I also messaged her and said that if we could work around our mutual masking/Covid safety needs, I would love to have some cuddles with her. That there is nothing I want more in my life lately than people to cuddle.
Earlier today, she posted on Facebook saying that she's looking for local people to cuddle, and is no longer masking but is up to date on shots. I've already told her that masking is a hard limit for me: people I'm in spending time with in close proximity for longer periods must be masked for me to be able to do that. That being the case, and her looking for cuddles when she knows I am available, suggests that it's not an option for us.
That hurts too. It adds to my feeling like my own desire for community and touch and kisses doesn't work in the abstract by showing me that it doesn't work in this very specific instance either.
I shouldn't read this as overly symbolic, or as an omen maybe, but it feels like it. Train girl is the first person I've expressed interest in since transitioning. She's sort of an example to me of me figuring out what I want and knowing how to pursue what I want now that I know who I am. There are so many reasons to think we'd get along fabulously and have a wonderful time cuddling and watching stuff together. But because of Covid, I can't.
Meanwhile, lots of people I know in Illinois are talking about the convention they're at this weekend and that hurts too, and I'm just feeling broken.
Miriam's parents are here right now too, so that's disrupting routines and making things difficult even more.
Miriam and I went to the grocery store together this morning. While she masked up and went inside to get a few things, I sat in the car, tried unsuccessfully to find music to listen to, and just sat with my fear and loneliness. When she came back, she presented me with a bouquet of flowers and it was such a wonderful gesture that I completely lost my composure and cried against her for a while.
I would be lost without her.
But I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. And the places I've tried to reach out in new ways - the Reddit T4T group and the Discord servers I've looked at - have made me feel more isolated too. I'm feeling like self-isolation again is what I need to do to get away from the pain of constant reminders of my isolation.