Train Girl and Stuff
Not on Facebook because she reads my posts there!
I'm feeling sad that train girl (the local trans girl I have a big crush on) and I have not gotten together in person since I've gotten back. She asked me to get some cheese curds for her and I made a stop at Mars Cheese Castle just to get them. And we've talked about getting together in person several times; at a dog park, or in her back yard with a fire. I have now invited her to come to the new/old place to watch some of the anime I just bought with me, when we have appropriate COVID mitigation measure in place. (A Corsi-Rosenthal box, open windows, plus good masks is enough for Miriam to feel like the risk is acceptably low.) I have some books that she was really interested in too, including an automobile mechanics manual that's now a bit over 100 years old. She asked what I'd sell it for when I said I was getting rid of it, but it's not worth much, and I told her that even if I didn't have a crush on her, I think she appreciates things like that in the same way I do so I'd be happy to just give it to her.
I did in fact tell her I have a crush on her and that, if she wasn't in a closed relationship and it wasn't for COVID, I would quite likely ask her out. She's only the second person in my life I've ever expressed interest in before the other person expressed interest in me. In the past, it was terrifying, and as I may have written, I think I didn't really know how to relate to people in that way as a boy. I thought I was demi-sexual, and that I needed a long time with someone to feel safe and comfortable with them.
Now? *sighs* In all honesty, I *really* want to go out and be slutty with other trans girls (I mean, I'm gender-flexible here, but that's where my brain is mostly at right now) and I'm fairly sure I would have no problem expressing that to them. It's so incredibly frustrating that I finally know who I am and what I want and be unable to do much about it. I have a lot of fear that by the time we know things are safe enough for Miriam, nobody will be interested in me anymore and I won't be able to fit into that kind of scene. It's causing more distress than most anything else in my life, with some obvious exceptions.