Once a hermit, always a hermit
I've been thinking a great deal about solitude and isolation lately. Don't worry, I'll try to keep this short. Nietzsche describes hermits as a deep well. He goes on to say that if a stone falls into the well, it cannot be retrieved. It's down there for good. Lastly, he advises that if you offend a hermit, you should kill him too. The idea being that hermits have no way of letting go of things.
I'm not that bad. I actually don't bear grudges, though I can become morbidly fascinated with just about anything and let it suck up my brain. Sadly, the reason that I don't bear grudges is only partly that I'm forgiving, and far more that stuff just doesn't bother me that much in the first place, but that's a whole other disclosure that I don't feel like getting into now. But I was thinking about something that a dear friend shared with me recently that she then told me she had never shared with anyone. And I knew that I would never tell anyone about it... that it would go in my secrets collection that no one ever gets to see... and I realized that I too am a deep well. Not deep in the sense of mental profundity, just that... stuff that actually makes its way into me never comes back out. A hermit.
I really had thought I was changing this past year. Certainly I've been learning and becoming more comfortable with a lot of kinds of interaction that I never tried before. But I'm still me. Don't get me wrong, I like being me, but... I don't know how to communicate that. Every effort I've made so far has failed. It's sort of like...I want to want to be different. But I actually don't want to be different. This really is what I want. Mildly embarrassing, but I've dealt with far worse. This really is no big deal, though I know it looks like one.
I'm not that bad. I actually don't bear grudges, though I can become morbidly fascinated with just about anything and let it suck up my brain. Sadly, the reason that I don't bear grudges is only partly that I'm forgiving, and far more that stuff just doesn't bother me that much in the first place, but that's a whole other disclosure that I don't feel like getting into now. But I was thinking about something that a dear friend shared with me recently that she then told me she had never shared with anyone. And I knew that I would never tell anyone about it... that it would go in my secrets collection that no one ever gets to see... and I realized that I too am a deep well. Not deep in the sense of mental profundity, just that... stuff that actually makes its way into me never comes back out. A hermit.
I really had thought I was changing this past year. Certainly I've been learning and becoming more comfortable with a lot of kinds of interaction that I never tried before. But I'm still me. Don't get me wrong, I like being me, but... I don't know how to communicate that. Every effort I've made so far has failed. It's sort of like...I want to want to be different. But I actually don't want to be different. This really is what I want. Mildly embarrassing, but I've dealt with far worse. This really is no big deal, though I know it looks like one.