[123] Homework // Voice.
[Apparently, Rex really wants to get punched in the face, so he's posting. He sounds pretty together right now, as he's... LARGELY over his whiny phase. Largely.]
Do you know why it keeps happening? The hostile takeovers, the murders, the cyclical hatred? Do you?
"Because it's the Barge."
That's as far as most of you are willing to consider it. It's the Barge. Everything happens as though it were pre-ordained because it's the Barge. Inmates act out because they're inmates; that's what they do. Wardens are right and just because they're wardens-- well. Okay. "Some of them make mistakes, but don't worry, we're not all like that, and we're trying to make a difference, really." And then, of course, we have floods, ports, breaches... And they're typically indiscriminate; they torment warden and inmate alike, highlighting to all of us that we're all on the same side, in the same boat.
So to speak.
[Moving on...]
Why did I do what I did? Because it's the Barge. Because I'm such a sadistic, terrible inmate that I decided to lash out-- crazily, for no reason-- and we were due for a crisis. So you say "fuck Rex," publicly condemn me-- then get upset or mock me or claim that I'm whining when I have the gall to respond-- and play little games roleplaying my murder. Cute. [He doesn't sound bothered by this; it's all spoken in a pretty neutral voice.]
The only person I've seen, thus far, raise the possibility that perhaps my actions didn't occur in a vacuum of villainy is the Marquis de Sade. And this sentiment was largely ignored. At least, [Shrug.] publicly. It's easier, after all, to simplify everything, reduce, minimize my motivations. You can safely assume that I was lashing out because "my girlfriend left," and because I can't "let go of things," and that's the end of that. There's no need for self-reflection, because you're all the victims of my dastardly, unavoidable plot.
A clear-cut villain is such a convenient thing.
So, why did I really do what I did? The honest version.
I wanted to escape, yes, but it goes deeper than that. I wanted to strike out at the Barge; I wanted to burn the system in my departure, leave it in ruins. And I wanted to make you hurt-- the wardens, largely, and my special targets. I won't pretend that I didn't. I wanted to hurt the wardens because they represent what I hate: the Barge and the Admiral. They're as close as I could ever get to him.
The Barge is toxic. It's a toxic environment that breeds hate and anger on the one hand, and somehow, simultaneously, nurtures apathy on the other. And you aren't innocent. Every warden is, to a degree, complicit in this system of degradation, humiliation, pain, suffering, simply by being involved in the system at all. I understand, of course, that some of you are better than others, that not all of you have the choice to leave and that some of you rage and talk about changing things-- talk, of course, but never do. To those exceptions: any suffering you incurred was... unfortunate. But if I had turned a blind eye to those good ones in the execution of my plan, it would have had no hope for success.
[Pause.]
I wanted to escape since the day I arrived. It was only natural, of course. I imagine few inmates never felt a similar urge. However, rather than talk, I began making preparations as soon as possible. My first port, I began gathering the supplies necessary to begin. The plan wasn't quite the same at the time-- much more vague, as I didn't know enough about the ship and its activities yet. But the intent was straightforward: escape. That was all. I can't say when, exactly, my goals shifted to include destruction and revenge-- contrary to the prevailing theory, it wasn't when Wichita left.
And it wasn't when Armand began his little reign of terror.
And it wasn't when Martha Jones threw my confidentiality to the wolves.
And it wasn't when Denise Mahoney bullied me out of the infirmary for no reason other than she could.
As near as I can tell... [And now his voice becomes bitter.] It was probably when I was murdered and, afterwards, largely ignored by the good, noble wardens. Some made a few efforts to investigate, but most forgot. I had to follow up with the wardens three times. Three times. As time passed, their facade of sympathy melted, and they appeared to regard my insistence that they stop dragging their feet and do something as inconvenient. Murder victims are such nuisances when they can speak. Eventually, something finally happened when my sister tortured my killer and he subsequently confessed.
The wardens resent the fact that I won't let them forget about their utter and complete and repeated failures. I should just get over it. As though one's own murder were something to get over. Even sweet, sunny Sveta-- the Barge's darling-- accused me of wanting to be coddled and pitied. Because it's so much easier to mock and dismiss somebody than to consider that they might be right, that you might have failed, isn't it?
[Back to that neutral voice:]
But that's what the Barge does. It cheapens lives; it breeds apathy so poisonous that murders become matters of inconvenience, that some victims are worth more than others, that some criminals are more worthy of forgiveness than others, that speaking out is regarded as a mere ploy for attention. Torture becomes a joke.
It's simple, and it's stupid, and it's so widely accepted here that I wanted to make you-- the Wardens-- pay for your apathy and dismissal and your double standards.
People that I didn't want to hurt were caught up in the mess, people that I liked... or at least respected... but who were necessary targets, too. I am sorry for that. But that's all I'm sorry for. I don't regret what I did beyond the fact that it failed. Some of you claim that it would have been permanent, what I'd done, had I departed, but remember where you are: nothing's permanent here, not even death.
In fact, had I simply killed you all, I imagine you wouldn't be nearly as angry. It's the fact that I showed you what you were capable of, how ugly you can be to each other with just a few nudges in the right direction. That's what you're upset about. That's what sets my escape attempt apart from the riots, the Borg, the Master, the repetitive killing sprees...
[He's quiet for a few moments, thinking.]
That's all I have to say on the matter of my attempted escape.
Now I can brace myself for your 'witty' barbs as you deliberately misread everything and simplify my words into some dumb message that's more palatable to you in your self-righteous anger. That's what happened the last time I tried to articulate my frustration, after all. You decided I was literally comparing myself to a snake, or that I was raging against injustices I felt were due to my appearance. I wasn't. I was talking about the wardens, their selective compassion, their perceptions of others, of who's worthy of understanding and who isn't. But you didn't want to see that, so you twisted my message and used it to mock me. Funny. The only people who understood my meaning were inmates.
But anything's better than reflection. Anything's better than asking yourself what role you had to play in this.
...
[Oh wait, awkward aside:] Unless you're new. Obviously, this doesn't apply to you.
[Another pause.]
And I've completed my assignment, Harper. If you could come to Level 0 and retrieve it.
[HANDWRITTEN NOTES FOR HARPER; Not on the Network]
[lol Harper made him write about his feelings.]
What I Learned This Week
The Doctor/Dr. John Smith - I expected him to be disappointed in me. He was, I think, although he appeared to be more disappointed in himself and wondered why I spared him from an injection. I believe he was hoping his friendship with me would have been enough of a deterrance on my plan, and he blames himself that it wasn't. I wish he wouldn't carry that guilt with him, because it wasn't his fault.
Iago - I thought he would feel a little betrayed that I didn't take him along. At worst, he seemed mildly annoyed, mostly amused. And then he beat up Crane for me. :) [YES HE EMOTED] I didn't ask him to do it.
Hayley - I expected her to feel angry and betrayed, even though I only did it to help her see how poisonous and one-sided her "friendship" with Crane was. She essentially was, although admitted that she "kind of " "maybe" wants to remain friends. I don't see how this could have been of any surprise to her. She was always complaining about him not taking the steps necessary to make amends, and she knew how I felt about him. I feel To be honest I'm somewhat insulted by her insistence on befriending so many people who have hurt me, and then acting like I'm the one who betrayed her.
Nygma - He's upset with me, as I expected, and I don't care. He still insists that he'd only tried to help me before, but he didn't-- he treated me like a child, he belittled me, and he never respected me. He blackmailed me for the very technology that I ultimately used against him, and the fact that he can't see the humor in that displays a willful blindness. He's a hypocrite. And he threw books at me. And he encouraged my fictional death to be as gruesome as possible. I don't regret what I did to him.
Shego - I thought she would want my head on a plate. Poor choice of words. I thought she would yell at me, wish me dead, the usual. Instead, she seemed understanding. Calm. Perhaps it was the death toll. I feel [LOTS OF SCRIBBLES] remorse for her death. And responsibility. I don't know how to make it up to her, so I offered her one of the test mice-- the one with her abilities.
Yes, I know that's weird. I wasn't sure what else I had to offer at the time.
O'Brien - Weirdly understanding. I wasn't expecting it at all. I'm grateful that he seemed to get my message. I really thought he would either ignore or harass me.
Coyolxauhqui - Another who seemed understanding. She doesn't appear to hold any ill-will against me, although I was expecting her to. I understand why she did what she did now. I always did, to a degree, but resented her for using me-- as inadvertantly as it was. Now, I no longer do.
Martha - I think she forgave me. I don't know why she did. I wasn't expecting her to-- I figured she would be far angrier with me than she was. I don't understand it. In any case, I told her that I didn't bear a grudge against her anymore.
Miss Parker - She's angry, as expected. She made a lot of talk about threats, how I should be grateful that she didn't shoot me, etc. I don't feel grateful, because I shouldn't be expected to feel grateful when a warden deigns not to kill me. I don't begrudge Parker her feelings, however.
The Marquis - Seems to be the only warden who considered that I didn't act in a bubble. I really am appreciative of his understanding, as unexpected as it was although he still makes me uncomfortable.
Tyr - I expected him to be angry. Instead, he's largely unreadable. I don't know what to make of it. Somewhat nervous
Sherlock Holmes - Ditto.
Elphaba - Disagreed with my methods; seems unperturbed overall. Refreshing.
Loki - Acted like a self righteous ass and continued to deny that he'd ever done anything wrong to me or anyone I cared about. As expected. His "graduation" is every bit a joke as Judas's and 11-12's. It reinforces the lack of warden standards and I hate the Barge more for it. I have absolutely no regrets for what I did to him.
Crane - I expected him to act like an ineffectual, frothing idiot. He didn't disappoint.
Arthas - Blithering hypocrite. Apparently, mind control and mass murder followed by big dramatic network posts is only acceptable when he does it. He's been following me on the network, and I've been tuning him out, because he's yet to say anything remotely interesting or relevant. He's too old to be playing the part of schoolyard bully. It's pathetic.
Victor Frankenstein - Seems to live in a fantasy world where I was always cruel to him and he never judged me for my appearance. Also seems to have forgotten that he was pleasant to me-- and I, him-- before my scars resurfaced. His narcissism leads him to believe that I thought EVERYBODY thought like he did-- I don't. He was the only person I truly believed judged me for my appearance, and I made him pay for it. I have no regrets, no remorse. I would do it again in an instant.
Give me back my snake now.
[OOC: Just a heads up, Rex will probably ignore/brush off trolls, but he'll be more likely to talk to people who are civil to him. SO IF I DO HAVE HIM BRUSH OFF YOUR CHARACTER, PLEASE DO NOT THINK I'M JUST BEING A JERK OR WAS OFFENDED OR ANYTHING :C BECAUSE I'M NOT. It's just that this is probably the closest he's ever come to opening up about... anything in public without dressing it up in snakes/science, so he won't be in the mood to suffer trolls.
I know there's probably no need for this, but I'm paranoid about people thinking of IC/OOC lines blurring after a character gets dramatic: I DO NOT ENDORSE WHAT REX IS SAYING. He's trying to present his side, but it's meant to be deeply flawed, biased, unstable, etc. And even if he was 100% correct (which, lol, he's not), wholesale sadism is obviously not an appropriate or rational response. If he saw things clearly and didn't hold ridiculous grudges and wasn't a huge hypocrite? He wouldn't be an inmate anymore :V]
Do you know why it keeps happening? The hostile takeovers, the murders, the cyclical hatred? Do you?
"Because it's the Barge."
That's as far as most of you are willing to consider it. It's the Barge. Everything happens as though it were pre-ordained because it's the Barge. Inmates act out because they're inmates; that's what they do. Wardens are right and just because they're wardens-- well. Okay. "Some of them make mistakes, but don't worry, we're not all like that, and we're trying to make a difference, really." And then, of course, we have floods, ports, breaches... And they're typically indiscriminate; they torment warden and inmate alike, highlighting to all of us that we're all on the same side, in the same boat.
So to speak.
[Moving on...]
Why did I do what I did? Because it's the Barge. Because I'm such a sadistic, terrible inmate that I decided to lash out-- crazily, for no reason-- and we were due for a crisis. So you say "fuck Rex," publicly condemn me-- then get upset or mock me or claim that I'm whining when I have the gall to respond-- and play little games roleplaying my murder. Cute. [He doesn't sound bothered by this; it's all spoken in a pretty neutral voice.]
The only person I've seen, thus far, raise the possibility that perhaps my actions didn't occur in a vacuum of villainy is the Marquis de Sade. And this sentiment was largely ignored. At least, [Shrug.] publicly. It's easier, after all, to simplify everything, reduce, minimize my motivations. You can safely assume that I was lashing out because "my girlfriend left," and because I can't "let go of things," and that's the end of that. There's no need for self-reflection, because you're all the victims of my dastardly, unavoidable plot.
A clear-cut villain is such a convenient thing.
So, why did I really do what I did? The honest version.
I wanted to escape, yes, but it goes deeper than that. I wanted to strike out at the Barge; I wanted to burn the system in my departure, leave it in ruins. And I wanted to make you hurt-- the wardens, largely, and my special targets. I won't pretend that I didn't. I wanted to hurt the wardens because they represent what I hate: the Barge and the Admiral. They're as close as I could ever get to him.
The Barge is toxic. It's a toxic environment that breeds hate and anger on the one hand, and somehow, simultaneously, nurtures apathy on the other. And you aren't innocent. Every warden is, to a degree, complicit in this system of degradation, humiliation, pain, suffering, simply by being involved in the system at all. I understand, of course, that some of you are better than others, that not all of you have the choice to leave and that some of you rage and talk about changing things-- talk, of course, but never do. To those exceptions: any suffering you incurred was... unfortunate. But if I had turned a blind eye to those good ones in the execution of my plan, it would have had no hope for success.
[Pause.]
I wanted to escape since the day I arrived. It was only natural, of course. I imagine few inmates never felt a similar urge. However, rather than talk, I began making preparations as soon as possible. My first port, I began gathering the supplies necessary to begin. The plan wasn't quite the same at the time-- much more vague, as I didn't know enough about the ship and its activities yet. But the intent was straightforward: escape. That was all. I can't say when, exactly, my goals shifted to include destruction and revenge-- contrary to the prevailing theory, it wasn't when Wichita left.
And it wasn't when Armand began his little reign of terror.
And it wasn't when Martha Jones threw my confidentiality to the wolves.
And it wasn't when Denise Mahoney bullied me out of the infirmary for no reason other than she could.
As near as I can tell... [And now his voice becomes bitter.] It was probably when I was murdered and, afterwards, largely ignored by the good, noble wardens. Some made a few efforts to investigate, but most forgot. I had to follow up with the wardens three times. Three times. As time passed, their facade of sympathy melted, and they appeared to regard my insistence that they stop dragging their feet and do something as inconvenient. Murder victims are such nuisances when they can speak. Eventually, something finally happened when my sister tortured my killer and he subsequently confessed.
The wardens resent the fact that I won't let them forget about their utter and complete and repeated failures. I should just get over it. As though one's own murder were something to get over. Even sweet, sunny Sveta-- the Barge's darling-- accused me of wanting to be coddled and pitied. Because it's so much easier to mock and dismiss somebody than to consider that they might be right, that you might have failed, isn't it?
[Back to that neutral voice:]
But that's what the Barge does. It cheapens lives; it breeds apathy so poisonous that murders become matters of inconvenience, that some victims are worth more than others, that some criminals are more worthy of forgiveness than others, that speaking out is regarded as a mere ploy for attention. Torture becomes a joke.
It's simple, and it's stupid, and it's so widely accepted here that I wanted to make you-- the Wardens-- pay for your apathy and dismissal and your double standards.
People that I didn't want to hurt were caught up in the mess, people that I liked... or at least respected... but who were necessary targets, too. I am sorry for that. But that's all I'm sorry for. I don't regret what I did beyond the fact that it failed. Some of you claim that it would have been permanent, what I'd done, had I departed, but remember where you are: nothing's permanent here, not even death.
In fact, had I simply killed you all, I imagine you wouldn't be nearly as angry. It's the fact that I showed you what you were capable of, how ugly you can be to each other with just a few nudges in the right direction. That's what you're upset about. That's what sets my escape attempt apart from the riots, the Borg, the Master, the repetitive killing sprees...
[He's quiet for a few moments, thinking.]
That's all I have to say on the matter of my attempted escape.
Now I can brace myself for your 'witty' barbs as you deliberately misread everything and simplify my words into some dumb message that's more palatable to you in your self-righteous anger. That's what happened the last time I tried to articulate my frustration, after all. You decided I was literally comparing myself to a snake, or that I was raging against injustices I felt were due to my appearance. I wasn't. I was talking about the wardens, their selective compassion, their perceptions of others, of who's worthy of understanding and who isn't. But you didn't want to see that, so you twisted my message and used it to mock me. Funny. The only people who understood my meaning were inmates.
But anything's better than reflection. Anything's better than asking yourself what role you had to play in this.
...
[Oh wait, awkward aside:] Unless you're new. Obviously, this doesn't apply to you.
[Another pause.]
And I've completed my assignment, Harper. If you could come to Level 0 and retrieve it.
[HANDWRITTEN NOTES FOR HARPER; Not on the Network]
[lol Harper made him write about his feelings.]
What I Learned This Week
The Doctor/Dr. John Smith - I expected him to be disappointed in me. He was, I think, although he appeared to be more disappointed in himself and wondered why I spared him from an injection. I believe he was hoping his friendship with me would have been enough of a deterrance on my plan, and he blames himself that it wasn't. I wish he wouldn't carry that guilt with him, because it wasn't his fault.
Iago - I thought he would feel a little betrayed that I didn't take him along. At worst, he seemed mildly annoyed, mostly amused. And then he beat up Crane for me. :) [YES HE EMOTED] I didn't ask him to do it.
Hayley - I expected her to feel angry and betrayed, even though I only did it to help her see how poisonous and one-sided her "friendship" with Crane was. She essentially was, although admitted that she "kind of " "maybe" wants to remain friends. I don't see how this could have been of any surprise to her. She was always complaining about him not taking the steps necessary to make amends, and she knew how I felt about him. I feel To be honest I'm somewhat insulted by her insistence on befriending so many people who have hurt me, and then acting like I'm the one who betrayed her.
Nygma - He's upset with me, as I expected, and I don't care. He still insists that he'd only tried to help me before, but he didn't-- he treated me like a child, he belittled me, and he never respected me. He blackmailed me for the very technology that I ultimately used against him, and the fact that he can't see the humor in that displays a willful blindness. He's a hypocrite. And he threw books at me. And he encouraged my fictional death to be as gruesome as possible. I don't regret what I did to him.
Shego - I thought she would want my head on a plate. Poor choice of words. I thought she would yell at me, wish me dead, the usual. Instead, she seemed understanding. Calm. Perhaps it was the death toll. I feel [LOTS OF SCRIBBLES] remorse for her death. And responsibility. I don't know how to make it up to her, so I offered her one of the test mice-- the one with her abilities.
Yes, I know that's weird. I wasn't sure what else I had to offer at the time.
O'Brien - Weirdly understanding. I wasn't expecting it at all. I'm grateful that he seemed to get my message. I really thought he would either ignore or harass me.
Coyolxauhqui - Another who seemed understanding. She doesn't appear to hold any ill-will against me, although I was expecting her to. I understand why she did what she did now. I always did, to a degree, but resented her for using me-- as inadvertantly as it was. Now, I no longer do.
Martha - I think she forgave me. I don't know why she did. I wasn't expecting her to-- I figured she would be far angrier with me than she was. I don't understand it. In any case, I told her that I didn't bear a grudge against her anymore.
Miss Parker - She's angry, as expected. She made a lot of talk about threats, how I should be grateful that she didn't shoot me, etc. I don't feel grateful, because I shouldn't be expected to feel grateful when a warden deigns not to kill me. I don't begrudge Parker her feelings, however.
The Marquis - Seems to be the only warden who considered that I didn't act in a bubble. I really am appreciative of his understanding, as unexpected as it was although he still makes me uncomfortable.
Tyr - I expected him to be angry. Instead, he's largely unreadable. I don't know what to make of it. Somewhat nervous
Sherlock Holmes - Ditto.
Elphaba - Disagreed with my methods; seems unperturbed overall. Refreshing.
Loki - Acted like a self righteous ass and continued to deny that he'd ever done anything wrong to me or anyone I cared about. As expected. His "graduation" is every bit a joke as Judas's and 11-12's. It reinforces the lack of warden standards and I hate the Barge more for it. I have absolutely no regrets for what I did to him.
Crane - I expected him to act like an ineffectual, frothing idiot. He didn't disappoint.
Arthas - Blithering hypocrite. Apparently, mind control and mass murder followed by big dramatic network posts is only acceptable when he does it. He's been following me on the network, and I've been tuning him out, because he's yet to say anything remotely interesting or relevant. He's too old to be playing the part of schoolyard bully. It's pathetic.
Victor Frankenstein - Seems to live in a fantasy world where I was always cruel to him and he never judged me for my appearance. Also seems to have forgotten that he was pleasant to me-- and I, him-- before my scars resurfaced. His narcissism leads him to believe that I thought EVERYBODY thought like he did-- I don't. He was the only person I truly believed judged me for my appearance, and I made him pay for it. I have no regrets, no remorse. I would do it again in an instant.
Give me back my snake now.
[OOC: Just a heads up, Rex will probably ignore/brush off trolls, but he'll be more likely to talk to people who are civil to him. SO IF I DO HAVE HIM BRUSH OFF YOUR CHARACTER, PLEASE DO NOT THINK I'M JUST BEING A JERK OR WAS OFFENDED OR ANYTHING :C BECAUSE I'M NOT. It's just that this is probably the closest he's ever come to opening up about... anything in public without dressing it up in snakes/science, so he won't be in the mood to suffer trolls.
I know there's probably no need for this, but I'm paranoid about people thinking of IC/OOC lines blurring after a character gets dramatic: I DO NOT ENDORSE WHAT REX IS SAYING. He's trying to present his side, but it's meant to be deeply flawed, biased, unstable, etc. And even if he was 100% correct (which, lol, he's not), wholesale sadism is obviously not an appropriate or rational response. If he saw things clearly and didn't hold ridiculous grudges and wasn't a huge hypocrite? He wouldn't be an inmate anymore :V]