Hello From Ten Years Later
The year is 2021 and we are a year into the global pandemic known as COVID-19. I can't wait to be able to get back to regularly going out and seeing my friends but I've actually been handling the quarantine pretty well overall. I wrote about some of my major life updates in my other account (amandasveganxxx) but the biggest update is that Monica died in 2018 in her sleep after dealing with some deteriorating bodily effects brought on by past drug use and health problems. It absolutely sucks and I'm doing my best to live with this gaping hole in my heart now. I'm seeing a therapist and plan to make regular use out of this account again to store my journal entries and mark my progress and it also helps me feel more connected to my old self, who I am so proud of and I know she's also proud of me for doing so well during such a rough time.
So in this entry I'm going to talk about the guilt I have related to my parents paying for things for me for so long and also about Monica no longer being here and me feeling that she constantly got the short end of the stick and how I feel a sense of doom just lingering around the corner. "What's next?" my brain flashes like a banner flying through the sky as I sit in my apartment, constantly checking my social media feed for a serotonin boost during a global pandemic and my other half no longer existing in a physical form. Growing up Monica used to tell me that I was the favored child because I was a more serious student and didn't get sick as much and was considered more "promising" than she was and I have a lot of guilt over all the cool things I got to do growing up that she didn't get to do and although I know she had some fun moments and I am going to stop myself right here and remind myself that I've dealt with a lot of shit and that I absolutely deserve all of the good things that have happened to me and continue to happen to me. There's no point in feeling guilt over all the beneficial things I've experienced--living in NYC, going to concerts, getting a fancy bike, getting a fancy camera, having ridiculously amazing friends, living in a dirt cheap nice-ass apartment in Brooklyn, having the World's Sweetest Kitty, having parents who support me and care deeply about me, getting to live an exciting adult life in a major city (aside from the pandemic). I need to redirect my energy into attracting the things I want so that's what I will be doing. Get ready!