ANOTHER BABY? part 1: stop

skylar0grace in stop_sids

ANOTHER BABY? part 1

Apr 30, 2011 15:03

What is SIDS?
The death of a child is perhaps the greatest tragedy that can occur to parents. You will be changed by this devastating loss and you may find that your previous thoughts and plans about having another child will now also be affected.

You may be wondering when, or whether, you should have another child.
You may be surprised by some of your own feelings and wonder if other parents have felt the same way.
You may notice that you and your partner feel differently about whether and when to have another baby.
You may be given advice by family, friends and others who have your best interests at heart, but the advice may not seem right.

It is important for you to know that:

You and your partner are the only people who know what is right for you... so have the confidence to believe in your feelings.

There is absolutely no right or wrong decision, only what is right for you. However, no matter what your decision is, there will be times of doubt, hesitation, fear and joy, and you may change your mind several times.

Be reassured that no matter how strange your thoughts and feelings may seem, other parents have probably had similar thoughts and feelings.

“I remember, after Daniel died, receiving much unsolicited advice from various sources: ‘The best thing you can do is get pregnant right away; have another baby’. Alternatively: ‘You have to give yourself time to grieve for your baby; don't try and replace him with another’. Naturally I resented being told what ‘the best thing’ for us was.”

“I had made the decision to have another baby within 24 hours. I wanted to know if that was normal.”

“Any final decision is only final for today, tomorrow you may feel very different.”

Thinking about having another baby
Your baby has died but the love you have for him or her will not end. It is precious and enduring; he or she will always be a part of your family. In thinking about whether to have another baby, you may be afraid that you are being disloyal or that you may come to love that precious child less, but this will not happen. Every child is unique and special and your love and memories will always remain - another child will not diminish this in any way if you choose to have another child.

The famous psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, after the death of his daughter, Sophie, wrote to a friend:

“Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute, no matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually this is how it should be… it is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.”
(Freud, S. (1929) Letter to Binswanger. In E.L.Freud (ed.) Letters of Sigmund Freud, New York, Basic Books.)

Many parents are very frightened about having another baby after one of their children has died. There is an incredible feeling of vulnerability. There is a realisation that parents are not able to control everything about their lives and the lives of their children. No matter what the cause of the death, any situation that is a reminder of the cause of death evokes special anxiety.

We decided to have another child

It takes courage to contemplate having another baby after a child has died. You may have many fears and uncertainties:Will this baby be all right? Will he die too? How will I sleep at night? Will I be able to love another baby? Is it worth the risk?

These doubts and uncertainties are not unusual. You have been touched by tragedy. The unbelievable has happened, your sense of security and safety has been shattered and you are vulnerable.

“The day Mitchell died I decided that I wanted another baby. Today. I didn’t want to replace him, I just wanted a baby. A baby to hold and cuddle.”

“I wanted other children before Sam died and I’m sure Sam would want me to fulfil my dreams after his death, as I would if he was alive.”

“We loved our son.We loved being parents.We knew we would never have Daniel back, but we could have his brother or sister - and that was an exciting thought.”

“The joy of holding my beautiful live daughter was a blessing I thought I would never know again.”

“We could never replace Alyce but we needed another baby to cuddle. Renée was born one year later. She brought us back to life. It was the best decision we ever made for ourselves and for our [older] daughter, Sara.”

“We learned...that a very large percentage of [bereaved] parents decide to have another baby. I think this gave us some encouragement also.”

“We wrote all the ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ on a sheet of paper. There was soon a long list of ‘cons’ but it was difficult to write any ‘pros’ at all, beyond our heartfelt longing.”

“Looking back, I know that we made the right decision to have her. If I had waited maybe I would still be trying to make up my mind today and I would have missed out on her special way which is helping to ease the pain...”

“At time of writing, Simon is 20 weeks old and thriving... Our confidence and pleasure in our baby are growing, despite all the usual strains of living with a young baby and the added worry that death may strike again. There have been some difficulties and inconveniences but we have never regretted our decision to bring our beautiful baby into the world.”
Some people will decide that, for them, the right decision is not to have another baby. It may be that anxiety is overwhelming, that there are physical barriers to another pregnancy, that family relationships have changed, or simply that it is not right at this time.

There may be thoughtless comments and pressure from friends and family to have another baby and the decision not to do so takes courage and should be respected.

“We are so thankful for the four very short months we had with her and the wonderful memories, but our lives have changed now and our decision [not to have another child] reflects our feelings from this change.”

“Time does heal even if you don’t have another child.”

“...We made the decision not to have a subsequent baby just now. The decision was a hard one to make.”

“I felt that another child could not close the black hole in my heart.”
Postponing the decision

If the decision is too difficult to make, or if you and your partner are not in agreement, you may feel that it is better to postpone making the decision. For a whole range of reasons, it may be that this is not the right time for you to have another baby: you may feel your life is too unsettled or you may have too many other demands.

“The choice wasn’t there as an option - whether I would or wouldn’t. As a single mum, I felt I couldn’t.”
When the choice is taken away

It may be that you have no choice about whether to have another child because of genetic concerns, irreparable injury to the mother at the birth, a vasectomy, or some other cause. This loss of choice can cause additional grief, and you may find it helpful to speak with someone else who has had a similar experience and/or to a counsellor.

“I wanted an acknowledgement that sometimes the decision may be taken out of your hands. You may decide not to have another child, but I haven’t decided that at all. The decision has been taken away from me…it is the loss of power and choice that is difficult to deal with.”

“From six pregnancies I only have one living child. After the death of my last child, Zoe, I lost all confidence in my own physical and emotional resources to have another child. Doctors could not explain why my generally strong, fit body could not prevent early deliveries. My marriage was struggling and I had little faith in my husband ‘being there’ for me during another pregnancy. It wasn’t fair on my daughter to go through it again. Very very gradually I learned to accept that she would be my only child and that I should try to heal myself through meaningful work and purpose, in helping others.”
You may already be pregnant

You may be pregnant when your baby dies or you may find yourself pregnant earlier than planned. Probably you will feel confused and anxious, perhaps thinking “we are not ready for this... we are mourning our dead baby”. At the same time you may be scared, anxious, hesitant, ambivalent and also possibly excited about this new baby.

“I was glad that we were already pregnant when Courtney died, as I didn’t know if I could make the decision to have another baby. But with time it helped and we had two more babies after Courtney died.”

“Although I conceived only two months after Sam died, I didn’t feel ready. But I felt that time would heal and hoped I would be ready when the baby was born.”

“I felt that I needed to regain some hope for my shattered family but I was staggered to think I could fall pregnant 6 weeks after our son’s death. I drove home from the doctor’s crying ‘I’m so sorry Simon’. I was always worried people would think I’d got over losing Simon - I most certainly hadn’t.”

“I was already pregnant when Jade died. I don’t remember many good times during the pregnancy - we were so afraid. But looking back, I wouldn’t change it. Corey helped us to survive.”

“Just 10 months after the death of Chloe I’ve found out I’m pregnant again. I have only known for three weeks, but have thought about not going through with it so many times. But I have decided I will.”
Adopting a child
Each State has different laws for adoption and permanent care. Unless you are infertile and under 35 years, it is most unlikely that you will be able to adopt a healthy baby. However, there are many other children, older than 4 years, or with special needs, needing families. In addition, inter-country adoption may be a possibility for you.

While it is important for any subsequent child to be wanted for his/her own sake (rather than as a replacement), this is absolutely crucial for an adopted child, who will have had his or own experience of loss, of birth, family and identity.

“I often wondered if I would have had as much trouble bonding with my own biological child - was it the fear of this child dying too? In time I came to realise that it was my coping mechanism and that I probably distanced myself from all my children a little at that time.”
Older parents

It may be that you had not considered having another child until the death of your child, that your family was complete. The consideration of whether to have another child may mean an upheaval of all your plans and you may feel pressure to make a decision quickly if you are nearing the end of childbearing years. You may be worried that you will not be able to conceive again, or that you are taking a risk in doing so. It may be wise to consult your doctor if you are concerned.

Special issues for fathers
Sometimes mothers are anxious to have another child more quickly than fathers. If you are not in agreement, it will be important to discuss your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly in order to work towards agreement, as you will need each other’s support if you decide to have another child. For both men and women, there will be an increased sense of risk and an awareness that something could go wrong with this pregnancy.

Men may express their grief differently to women. Some women comment that their partners do not express their grief as openly as they do, and family and friends tend to offer more support to mothers than fathers, since outwardly they seem to be fine. They may escape from reality at work, but their grief is just as real and deep. After the death of a child, fathers may feel a sense of guilt or failure in their role of ‘family protector’, and regret wasted opportunities:

“If I had known that we had so little time with him [Ben], I would never have gone back to work.”

“We got pregnant the month after Ben died. We didn’t know what to feel - excited, guilty, scared…I miscarried at ten weeks and felt totally vulnerable, totally fragile. I felt that the universe was out to get me and my family. I decided at that point that I didn’t want another child - the pain was just too great! It was Michael who said ‘Everything really good in life involves some level of risk. Are you prepared to take a risk to achieve an amazing end?’…Along came Gemma nine months later. She was and is our gift from God. She restored our faith in the world. She helped to teach us to laugh again. She gave Michael the opportunity to enjoy every aspect of her. She gave him an outlet to express all that he would have liked to have given to Ben. She helped to fill a very big void in the core of his being. His face lights up when she comes into the room.”

“After five miscarriages, I didn’t realize how much it had affected my husband until our baby was born alive. Now my husband doesn’t want to try any more and I have to respect his position.”

Special issues for siblings
Your other children

Your other children will be very deeply affected by the death of their brother or sister and will be grieving in their own way. It is natural that they will also have thoughts and fears about another pregnancy and it is likely that they will ask you direct questions about whether this next child will die too. Their thoughts and fears should be respected and acknowledged openly and honestly. In fact, you should expect that siblings will have questions for years to come, as they grow older and as their understanding grows and develops.

Some parents have suggested that after the birth of a new baby, it is important to consciously make a point of including your existing children, giving them time and attention. It is easy to be so preoccupied with a new baby that existing children may feel excluded.

“When I listen to other people’s children who have had a child die it seems that they have a much bigger understanding that babies and children can die. Children in the general community wouldn’t even consider asking about it, but they seem to take it in their stride, accepting that this is a possibility.”

“To this day, not a day goes by (3 years later) that my older children (now 11 and 9) do not make some reference to Ben in some shape or form… I did consult my other children when we were deciding whether to have another baby. I had to think what impact this would have on them, because they are very vulnerable people…even though they understand a great deal more than other children.”

“When our next child was born our 13 year old laughed! I realised that I hadn’t heard him laugh for 2 years [since Philip’s death].”
Children’s fears:

5 year old Darcy: “Mum, if this baby doesn’t die while you are giving birth, and if this baby doesn’t die later, we will be really lucky, won’t we?”

3 year old Amelia: “I really miss Lily. This next baby is a girl!”

7 year old Nathan who wanted his Dad to acknowledge his fears: “Dad, if this baby dies too, are we going to put up a photo of this one too?” Father replied: “No this baby’s not going to die.” Nathan: “Dad, you’re not listening.”

An issue that concerns many parents is how subsequent children can feel a connection with a brother or sister who died before they were born. Things such as photos, belongings, and videos make good opportunities for discussions and memories to be created. Some parents have written stories for their subsequent children that make a link between them and their brother or sister who has died.

The pregnancy
It is possible that you will have fears and anxieties at times throughout the pregnancy. At times you may feel you are going crazy. You may be afraid of having the same problem again, or you may now have a heightened awareness of a whole range of other possibilities: miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, an accident or sudden illness. And you may be afraid of being happy, or of not being able to love this next baby.

This is quite normal as you have already experienced an overwhelming sorrow, so your sense of security and confidence may well be undermined. For parents whose first child has died, you may question your ability as parents. You will need support and encouragement to develop your confidence again. It may be helpful to discuss your fears and anxieties with your doctor or midwife, and possibly also with your child health nurse.

Sometimes anxiety can be reduced by changing hospitals, doctors and child care practices, or by having scans and tests that might alert you to possible problems during pregnancy. You could discuss these with your doctor. You may also find it helpful to create a special project for the new baby - paint a mural on the nursery wall, redecorate the cot, change rooms, or other ideas.

Planning a due date

Some parents find it best to try to avoid a subsequent baby being born on or near their dead child’s birthday or the anniversary of his/her death.

“I refused to try in the December...because I didn’t want another child born in
September. (Phillip’s birthday was the 24th.) After that, we tried in earnest.”

“We set ourselves a time limit.We would continue using contraception until early December to avoid having a child born around Eliot’s birthday or the anniversary of his death and to try and avoid having a winter baby.We agreed to stop trying in two years time if we had no success because my age would increase pregnancy risks.”

The sex of the baby

“I was obsessed with having another boy. I had even said to people that if the baby was a girl I didn’t know if I would be able to love it. They were horrified that I could even think that way but that was how I felt....I was so glad and relieved when it was a boy.”

“Another girl! We were absolutely ecstatic...both of us deep down wanted another girl.”

“When I was about 18 weeks I went for my scan...I asked what sex the baby would be. The radiologist said ‘Do you really want to know?’ Because of my hesitation she refused to tell me. I went away and cried over a cup of coffee and then decided I did really want to know. The radiologist told me I was to have a girl. Again the tears flowed before I could even thank her, but in hindsight, at least by the time Emily was born I had adjusted to the fact that I
was not to have a son.”

“In the midst of our pleasure we only sometimes felt disappointment that our hopes for a girl were not fulfilled.”

“When the results of an amniocentesis came, nothing abnormal was detected and it was a girl! I was ecstatic but Ross was devastated - his dreams of playing cricket with two sons were shattered. It was not until that point that I realised that Ross and I had different needs from this pregnancy.”

“I was devastated to learn I was to have another boy, as I thought that it would happen again to my new son but it hasn’t and I’m happy with my little man.”

Pregnancy after a stillbirth or neo-natal death

Many parents have intense thoughts and feelings during their pregnancy following a stillbirth or neo-natal death. If your baby died before or soon after birth you will probably have few memories of your child and you will begrieving for all the hopes, dreams and expectations that you have lost with the death of your child. It is likely that your anxiety may be heightened during the next pregnancy especially as your baby reaches the gestational milestones of the baby who died. You will have a greater awareness of some of the things that could possibly go wrong. You may feel acutely aware that, although this is not your first child, you may not have the experience of parenting a live child.

It is particularly important that you have trust in the health professionals caring for you since the memories of the care you received after the death of your baby will be vivid. Try to ensure that you find good support and someone to share your thoughts and feelings with.

“I was desperate to get pregnant and when it happened I thought, ‘Now I’ve got this rollercoaster ride again’…It’s a terrifying experience to find out you are pregnant after you've had a baby die.”

“I thought, ‘It’s not going to happen, this baby will die soon.’”

“Every time I went to the obstetrician I insisted on an ultrasound to check the baby’s heartbeat. I was convinced the baby was dead. On the other hand, I couldn’t look at the screen to see the heartbeat… When I was in labour, I said to myself, ‘Calm down, don’t get excited. It’s going to be dead!’”

“Through your grief you learn how to parent a baby who has died and you don’t know how to parent a live baby. I became twice as paranoid: I didn’t know what to do.”

“Passing the anniversary of the gestational age that my baby died didn’t make it easier. I felt more insecure. I never really felt safe. Perhaps it’s a bit like passing the first year anniversary - you don’t always feel better.”

“I grabbed my obstetrician and said to him, ‘Don’t you let my baby die.’”

“I appreciated the honesty of my doctor when he told me that he couldn’t guarantee outcomes.”

“The way staff manage the subsequent pregnancy is very important. I told [my story to] everyone in the hospital and I felt they ignored me a bit because it was too hard.”

bereavement, grief, !information