RP: Bring in the Bitch

[shh_susan]

Date: September 23, 2005
Characters: Susan and Severus
Location: Susan's farm
Status: Private
Summary: Snape gets a verbal thrashing. As usual.
Completion: Incomplete

Comments

[shh_severus]

Severus was bent over a parchment that was covered in his runic handwriting, furiously scribbling away some extra notation as he titrated two different extracts. He'd lost track of time, of course, as he always did when he was intent on his work. Only his war-steady nerves prevented him from knocking something flying in surprise at Susan's entrance.

He quirked a brow at her and said in his drollest voice, "If you feel your cooking skills are only fit for the hogs, I shall not prevent you from it. Now, are you pissy because of some particular perceived slight, or shall I fetch you a pre-menstrual mood-enhancer?"

[shh_susan]

"Oh, I don't know," she said dramatically. "Perhaps I've just been imagining the fact that you haven't been to dinner in a week and have been hiding from me like a little girl." Her teeth gritted. "If you want to have your stupid little secrets with Remus, that's fine, but if you're going to keep being a moron, I shan't be delighted."

[shh_severus]

Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously and he stood, drawing himself to his full height. Towering over someone nearly a foot shorter than he was was an especial talent of his.

"Ms Bones," he said softly. "I have been called many things in my time, but it takes an exceedingly suicidal fool to call me a little girl. I am not hiding from you. I am busy. However, if you would like to continue to try to find your inner shrew animagus, I suggest you take it outside."

[shh_susan]

Quite suddenly, Susan's eyes were filled with tears. She dashed them away furiously. "Fine. I'm sorry I disturbed you. You can get your supper at Remus's, and we can stop this bloody idiotic charade. You can tell him he needn't owl me about you anymore either. Obviously my worry doesn't matter. Well, obviously," she choked out, turning to leave.

[shh_severus]

Oh for the love of... one of these days, Snape would figure out what made Susan cry, what pissed her off, and what did both. Until that time, he would continue to hurt her feelings whether he meant to or not.

"Ms Bones. To which owl are you referring?" He already had a good idea-- Remus had threatened to owl her when he'd had his bad spell, and he'd been avoiding her ever since. He hadn't wanted to cause her undue worry, and apparently that too had backfired.

[shh_susan]

"Last week, of course!" she hurled at him. "He said you wouldn't be back for a bit, and I hadn't expected you anyway, so I knew something was wrong, but it's too much for you to even bother to come and tell me you're okay, isn't it? Only Remus can even know that something happened to you, never mind I've seen you nearer to dead, probably, than he has, and nursed you back too!"

[shh_severus]

Severus glanced at his pipettes. These would be another hour at least and shouldn't explode just because he wasn't watching them. He moved elegantly around the table-- not an easy task considering that he was in overalls-- and stood before her, arms crossed.

"It was nothing to worry about," Severus said. "Lupin overreacted, as he tends to do, and I was uninterested in causing you to fear for me. I believe it looked worse than it was. And while this is not a wizarding wet t-shirt contest, yes, you have seen me closer to death than he has." Though if ever there was a weird point to be jealous about...

[shh_susan]

"Fine! I'm not involved, I don't need to be worry, Lupin will look after everything. I should have known--you won't even give me your sperm, and you don't bother to tell me a bloody thing anymore, so why are you even here?" she demanded, her voice husked with tears.

[shh_severus]

"Ms Bones, I have no wish to worry you. Do you wish to know what caused my trauma last week? I shall share it with you if you so desire."

Though any further details he might have offered were cut off when he choked on his own saliva. "What in blazes do my spermatozoa have to do with this?"

[shh_susan]

She pushed at his shoulders aggressively. "Don't act as though you didn't know I wanted it. I've been trying to get a baby for months now, and there you are just wasting it all the time, and you won't give me just a couple of ounces so I could have a family..." Susan turned away, pressing her hand hard over her mouth.

[shh_severus]

Glaring, he caught her by the wrist and squeezed rather more tightly than was absolutely necessary. "Be still, woman. Are you quite out of your mind? First, how exactly do you expect my sperm to end up in your body fertilizing your egg? Second, why would you want a Snape, jr., running around. And third, what the hell happened to Shacklebolt? Is he not man enough to do the deed?"

[shh_susan]

"It's not like there aren't spells for it," she snapped. "We're magical, we don't have to use a turkey-baster. I want a baby, and Kingsley won't give me one, so I need to get it somewhere else, and it's a lot easier if it's yours, isn't it? Then I don't have to deal with adding another person to the equation when all I want is to get sprogged up and stop having all this bloody drama." She looked down at her wrist in his grip, but made no move to try and get it away.

[shh_severus]

The mental image of Susan coming at him with a turkey baster sent a shiver down to his very toenails. "Why won't Shacklebolt give you one? I am aware that you desire a family, and as I have made it clear in the past, you may include me in that number." He said it as though it were a great honour, and considering the number of people-- at this point Susan and Remus only-- that he considered family, perhaps it was.

He loosened his grip just a little. "Susan, are you quite serious, or shall I stop having an aneurysm? You wish to harvest my sperm in order to impregnate yourself?" Try as he might, he just couldn't stop picturing that damned turkey baster.

[shh_susan]

Susan shook her head a bit irritably. "I don't exactly know why he won't. He's got all sorts of issues, and I think he doesn't think well of himself either as genetic material or as father material." She made a little face. "And you might think the same, but you know I care about you, and I'd quite like a child of mine to be yours. And if that's good enough for me, then it ought to be good enough for you."

[shh_severus]

Severus let go of her, patted her twice-- awkwardly-- on the shoulder and leaned back gingerly against his workdesk.

"I'm not entirely sure how this conversation went from you being enraged over my health and possible obfuscation of its state to you wanting me to father your child. I suppose you realise I must bring up the L-word at this point. If I were even to consider such a proposition, I must consult Lupin, and I fully realise how whipped that makes me sound," he drawled. A cop-out, perhaps, but it bought him a bit of time to try to assimilate what was being thrown at him.

[shh_susan]

"Fine," she sighed, turning away. "I've never tried to keep him out, you know. He keeps himself away, and that's nothing to do with me, as I've only been supportive of the two of you. But this is going to be a mess if we don't all get on, and I can see it clear as day."