back to square one... again
did some partying this week with some friends, not sure i approve of drinking on a tuesday night but after some whiskey I could have given a shit. Got super shit-faced and was having a great time. Still stumbling around @ 1am (expecting to get up for work in 3 1/2hrs), i found myself alone when everyone decided to go to bed... There i was alone, drunk, dizzy... went from my normal happy-go-stupid drunk to sad - lonely - depressed alcoholic (at least i felt that way). I'm happy nothing happened, cause left alone drunk i make irrtional decisions... like drive home for 45mins after dropping my keys three times before getting into my truck... what the fuck is wrong with me! i could never forgive myself if i got hurt or more impotantly, hurt someone else. I've fucking lectured people i love more than anything about the same stupid shit, and there i was.. doing it anyway. what an asshole.. I'm fucking intelligent, i'm not stupid... but when i'm fucked up on whiskey and feeling horribly depressed, i ask myself why and quickly answer with "fuck it". So i guess i see how much i value my life... Fuck it, who cares right? wait i know... everyone i evertalked to... i know my friends need me around, they tell me how much they love me, but i have a hard time accepting their love, i love tremendously, but don't accept it easily. for some reason i have a hard time believing that i can be loved as much as i love them. Please if i'm ever so fucking selfish again, someone fucking smack me... someone beat the shit out of me. cause i need it bad. I've been so good with myself the past few months and then one person comes along who was gone for awhile and throws a stick right into my spokes. now here i lay. emotionaly baddered and bruised, and right back where i was before i felt good...