tired
day off today... didn't matter though cause i still woke up at the same time i always do. i don't even need an alarm clock anymore, that sucks. I'm programed. I got up, i was excited about the day. i felt like i had so much to acomplish. i felt fucking fantastic for a change. last few weeks have been odd i guess.. i felt like a hypocondriac. worried about my suposed lung problem.. of which i can blame on silica dust from concrete (leads to silicosis and lung cancer) i can't take a full breath without coughing uncontrollably. my right knee has been hurting for two months now.. it was excrutiating to walk up a set of stairs. kind of used to it now.. don't know what i did to it but i bet it needs surgery.. can you imagine, knee surgery at 22. i'm a fuckin mess. yeah i have health insurance. but fuck it, not gonna miss work over it. it'll probably go away. if i had someone to tell this to on a regular basis they would have screamed at me months ago to see my personal care physician.. whom i have yet to meet. problem is... there isn't anybody. just the voice in my head. and he calls me a pussy. no help there.
Anyway i had high hopes for today, it was icy and sleating out but i didn't care. i had things to accomplish today... but then i sat down for a minute talked to some people online. really began to think about what i had to do today... which turned out to be nothing. supose i could go food shopping. thats really about it... what i should have done. should have gone to see my mother, should have cleaned my house. should have done some paperwork and got organized.. been saying that since freshman year. but i talked my self out of any of it. I swear i'm fuckin useless when i don't work... all i do is work. i get home and i can't muster enough energy to run a vacume cleaner. I'm a waste. i only care about the state my house is in when i think people are coming over...
so i went food shopping.. oh boy, i consumed and hour out of an entire day. got home and i realized that i'm just pissed off and consumed with one thought... just one thing that i want so bad excludes me from being a normal funtioning member of society... and the only thing that keeps my mind off of it is work,,, fuckin same old work thats always there. never changes.. therefor is comforting. What was i thinking. i'll tell you,
i walked through the door, to an empty, quite, warm yet cold looking house. a trickle from the fish tank filter echoed from the livingroom.. whats missing? not much really. i've managed to surround myself with every little object of desire in an attempt to mascarade what i really need/want. companionship... what was missing was some one waiting for my return. a warm soul under a blanket on this rainy shitty day. "i'm back baby, did you miss me?" i rented a movie so we can curl up on the couch and get cozy.. and enjoy my day off. got some snacks and some cocoa... we'll make this what a rainy day should be.. just you and me. i don't care if we even watch the movie... its just money. hopefully we fall asleep on each other, both with smiles. wrapped in a blanket. nothing in this world could have made me happier today than that situation. i walked in, felt uncomfortable in my own house... cause its missing that. i closed my eyes, dreamt for a second or two with my wet shoes on the carpet... grocery bags in hand. a deap breath, then back to realty.... threw my purchaces in the fridge, put on some tunes... got back on the computer and forgot that that situation ever crossed my mind. cause everytime it does.. it depresses the hell out of me. it feels so unreachable for some reason... why is that?
i'm a great guy (i'm told) why do i feel undesireable and alone. I want to leave my life to fate. but its taking so god damned long i can't take it anymore. so i join a stupid online dating site... talk to people i don't no. in an attmept to initiate a connection with total strangers... all the while i can only think about the women i already know and love. the girls i've come to understand and admire for their beauty and talent and minds and laughs and smiles... i'm scared to start fresh with someone. there is so much of me that can't be talked about online... which basically refrains me from saying much of anything meaningful to these random women with cute pictures and interesting profiles.. no matter what they still aren't real to me.. at least not yet. i want who i know. i want who i already trust, and i want who I know i'm comfortable with. and the funny part is.. they are the least likely... and it all remains just another fallacy.. another asperation for me. my asperations rarely come to be. so all this effort and thought and hope and want... and I already know that it'll never quite be what i want it to be. cause god forbid something feel right for a reason. god forbid i get a glimpse of what a fulfiling life really is. and god forbid that i feel fucking usefull and that i'm needed by someone. cause i'm fucking tired.. i'm fucking sick of it, and i'm fucking done guessing. i'm fucking tired of waking up alone, coming home alone, doing dishes alone. i'm just tired.
Anyway i had high hopes for today, it was icy and sleating out but i didn't care. i had things to accomplish today... but then i sat down for a minute talked to some people online. really began to think about what i had to do today... which turned out to be nothing. supose i could go food shopping. thats really about it... what i should have done. should have gone to see my mother, should have cleaned my house. should have done some paperwork and got organized.. been saying that since freshman year. but i talked my self out of any of it. I swear i'm fuckin useless when i don't work... all i do is work. i get home and i can't muster enough energy to run a vacume cleaner. I'm a waste. i only care about the state my house is in when i think people are coming over...
so i went food shopping.. oh boy, i consumed and hour out of an entire day. got home and i realized that i'm just pissed off and consumed with one thought... just one thing that i want so bad excludes me from being a normal funtioning member of society... and the only thing that keeps my mind off of it is work,,, fuckin same old work thats always there. never changes.. therefor is comforting. What was i thinking. i'll tell you,
i walked through the door, to an empty, quite, warm yet cold looking house. a trickle from the fish tank filter echoed from the livingroom.. whats missing? not much really. i've managed to surround myself with every little object of desire in an attempt to mascarade what i really need/want. companionship... what was missing was some one waiting for my return. a warm soul under a blanket on this rainy shitty day. "i'm back baby, did you miss me?" i rented a movie so we can curl up on the couch and get cozy.. and enjoy my day off. got some snacks and some cocoa... we'll make this what a rainy day should be.. just you and me. i don't care if we even watch the movie... its just money. hopefully we fall asleep on each other, both with smiles. wrapped in a blanket. nothing in this world could have made me happier today than that situation. i walked in, felt uncomfortable in my own house... cause its missing that. i closed my eyes, dreamt for a second or two with my wet shoes on the carpet... grocery bags in hand. a deap breath, then back to realty.... threw my purchaces in the fridge, put on some tunes... got back on the computer and forgot that that situation ever crossed my mind. cause everytime it does.. it depresses the hell out of me. it feels so unreachable for some reason... why is that?
i'm a great guy (i'm told) why do i feel undesireable and alone. I want to leave my life to fate. but its taking so god damned long i can't take it anymore. so i join a stupid online dating site... talk to people i don't no. in an attmept to initiate a connection with total strangers... all the while i can only think about the women i already know and love. the girls i've come to understand and admire for their beauty and talent and minds and laughs and smiles... i'm scared to start fresh with someone. there is so much of me that can't be talked about online... which basically refrains me from saying much of anything meaningful to these random women with cute pictures and interesting profiles.. no matter what they still aren't real to me.. at least not yet. i want who i know. i want who i already trust, and i want who I know i'm comfortable with. and the funny part is.. they are the least likely... and it all remains just another fallacy.. another asperation for me. my asperations rarely come to be. so all this effort and thought and hope and want... and I already know that it'll never quite be what i want it to be. cause god forbid something feel right for a reason. god forbid i get a glimpse of what a fulfiling life really is. and god forbid that i feel fucking usefull and that i'm needed by someone. cause i'm fucking tired.. i'm fucking sick of it, and i'm fucking done guessing. i'm fucking tired of waking up alone, coming home alone, doing dishes alone. i'm just tired.