(no subject)
So I am in the same mood as I have been the last few days. Still feel really shit and hate myself. I am currently sitting at home alone listening to Symphony no 5 in C sharp minor by Gustav Mahler, because nobody else is out tonight. Things have been going weirdly around here. I start to wonder if I am feeling like this for attention, or whether mentally I dont like to be happy. I just heard that Olly is having a breakdown at the moment, because Amy has told him that she only wants him as a friend, not his 'bit on the side' and he wants to split up with Hannah because he knows she isnt right for him. He doesn't want to hurt hannah basically, and with Amy not there to fall back on he'll be left with nothing. For some reason I find myself pissed off at all of this and with next to no sympathy for him. I told him months ago to sort this all out, and ever since that chat he hasnt really spoken to me much about relationships or anything. When me and Kirsty split up, he spent time talking to Kirsty and making sure she was alright, and pretty much all he said to me was 'get over it.' He wasnt there for me at all when kirsty left me, and still hasnt been. And now he has got himself into this shit, and the whole point is it is his fault. There is no mess to sort out, basically whats done is done, he just has to break up with Hannah which he is scared of doing (understandably). But all I can think about is how the minute anything is wrong with Olly, its a big song and dance and suddenly everybody is around him trying to sort him out. Friends come flocking to olly, and nobody came to me. Ollys was his own mistake with people that he fucked around, and people come running to help him. Mine was not my fault, and nobody was there to help me. They still aren't. This just emphasizes how little anyone actually cares about me. The thing is, I dont want to make a big song and dance, I'm not doing this for attention, I know that much, but that said I would like some, to at least know somebody actually gives a crap. Why is there no solution to my madness? Its not something that i can just fix by ending a relationship, or moving somewhere, or fixing a relationship. Its a mental state. And I hate it because people have actual physical problems, and mine just seems like im upset for no real reason. fuck i hate this.