(no subject)
I really fucking hate myself. I despise who I have become. I despise me for the fact I hate myself. I dont want to be me. Nothing is going that wrong in my life, I have my health, I still have a roof over my head, I have a job, I have a few friends, its not tragic. And yet I hate it, nothing is actually wrong with me or my life, but for some reason I don't want to be who I am or where I am.
I sat around the other day having a drink, and I honestly wondered where I went wrong in life. Would anyone actually notice if I wasn't there? If I were just to fall off the face of the Earth right now, would anyone care that I had gone? With Kirsty by my side, I used to know the answer was yes, but now I don't know. I think back to the event that probably kick started where I am now, and who I am with. And it all falls back to the day that Mat followed me home when I didn't know him. If that hadn't of happened, where would I be now? would I have different friends, would I have gone to uni to study medicine, would I become a doctor, would I live in a different city, would I have a more mature life?
I work so hard for what seems like nothing. I don't go out and have fun, I don't have money to spend coz its all bills, and I have very few friends. Life used to be so very different for me. I used to be reasonably popular, have loads of friends, be in a band, get top school grades, and genuinely was possibly the happiest person people used to know. But now it seems like all of this makes no sense. I have none of this, and I stay positive, but for what. I changed and I'm just not happy.
I dont even know if my work is what I want to do anymore, it does occasionally make me happy and excited and sometimes a little bit proud, but at the same time, i'm beginning to find most of it boring. I'm constantly being put down by the boss for being shit at it, even though I know I am good, and most people agree.
Would I be happier if I was someone else? If I lived somewhere different? Had a different job? Had different friends? Would I be happy?
I hate myself for doing this, because I know there are people out there with REAL problems, not this mental bullshit which I conjure from nowhere. And I end up feeling sorry for myself, alone in an empty flat. I think I like being upset. When I'm around people I get too upset to talk. I hate myself for doing this, and I hate myself full stop.
I sat around the other day having a drink, and I honestly wondered where I went wrong in life. Would anyone actually notice if I wasn't there? If I were just to fall off the face of the Earth right now, would anyone care that I had gone? With Kirsty by my side, I used to know the answer was yes, but now I don't know. I think back to the event that probably kick started where I am now, and who I am with. And it all falls back to the day that Mat followed me home when I didn't know him. If that hadn't of happened, where would I be now? would I have different friends, would I have gone to uni to study medicine, would I become a doctor, would I live in a different city, would I have a more mature life?
I work so hard for what seems like nothing. I don't go out and have fun, I don't have money to spend coz its all bills, and I have very few friends. Life used to be so very different for me. I used to be reasonably popular, have loads of friends, be in a band, get top school grades, and genuinely was possibly the happiest person people used to know. But now it seems like all of this makes no sense. I have none of this, and I stay positive, but for what. I changed and I'm just not happy.
I dont even know if my work is what I want to do anymore, it does occasionally make me happy and excited and sometimes a little bit proud, but at the same time, i'm beginning to find most of it boring. I'm constantly being put down by the boss for being shit at it, even though I know I am good, and most people agree.
Would I be happier if I was someone else? If I lived somewhere different? Had a different job? Had different friends? Would I be happy?
I hate myself for doing this, because I know there are people out there with REAL problems, not this mental bullshit which I conjure from nowhere. And I end up feeling sorry for myself, alone in an empty flat. I think I like being upset. When I'm around people I get too upset to talk. I hate myself for doing this, and I hate myself full stop.