(no subject)
okay its been a while. so yah corey and are getting the house to rent and the carpet just got put down today (though we waited like 2 weeks) but its moving along. we're gonna try to move stuff in starting tommorrow i hope. i'm ready to stop livining in boxes. already got my swing, bird feeder and corey's grill all ready.
i've been rather moody lately i've realized. thinkg i'm stressed. lost of files are being lost at work, and having to find them, then i accidently toss one of my co-workers lunch away thinking it was trash ( i would have admit to the ordeal but she was being such a bitch about it wouldn't have mattered if i made the situation right she's still be on my ass). i was starting to wonder if all these mistakes, missed place files and lost file are my fault. i'm not sure. i know i did a few but its impossible for me to do all of them. i know i've been taking more time and detailed look at what i'm doing. plus i have been making the voulnteer girls ( i call them red ants becaue of the clothing they wear) to help me file them and look for charts while i prep and orgainize them ( that takes a while becasue the employees before me fucked it up terribly). so now i dont' see all the charts start to finish. now everyone is looking me wondering where they're at. an di'm like i don't know. i think i'm always so worried about being fired that i dont' take the time to calm down and just pay a bit more attention to my job and stop panicing all the time. i'm alsways scared i'm not doing enough and try harder each time, but then i see morons at other jobs who hardly get fired and i should really be tinking i'm safe as long as i keep trying hard. good new is i got a raise already, i get 50 bucks extra each paycheck so a hundred total a month, course they do take some of it for taxes but i do get the money back later. they said with the extra money we got this year the doc's decided to give the employyes raises ( i guess a select few i dont' know). and my manager said that even though i only worked there for a few weeks the doc's saw i'm working hard and decided that i'm worth getting a raise. WOW. i'd never got that sort of attention at the vet place i feel very fuckin special. so good and bad things are happening at work. but i think its' good over all.
lately i've been really trying hard to look to the brighter side of life, taking the grain of salt. i'm trying to convince myself that life's not perfect, i'm gonna fuck up and its okay only if i learn and try hard to not repeat it. though repeating my mistakes is a toughy for me i do it often and don't realize it until its done. so at work i put up a sign saying " you don't have the right to quit or slack, remember corey and your future family is counting on you." if anything else, i have to work hard my family, give if i feel i don't care anymore. they shouldn't suffer due to me, its not right. i really want to see the person corey sees me as. he thinks i'm smart (though a little slow learner), sweet, funny, and extremely hard working. i have a difficult time seeing that but i want to. i'm not sure if its because i lack confidence or i'm not understanding. i guess importatnly i have to realize that all humans have flaws and we're gonna fuck up, that doesn't mean we're failures or stupid. i connect every mmistake i do as a failure and a blow to my intelligence. i should learn to realize that i'm smart even if i fuck up here and there. i want to move up in the world. i want to learn different things at my job, i want the confidence to do it and believe that i can do it not just thinking its gonna be okay the first few years i start it.
i know that society has done me wrong, forcing a free spirited and questionable mind to be orginaized, stand in line, don't ask questions and just obey type of person. now that i've been raised not to be assertive, not think for myself and such now i'm in the real world where i haev to be assertive and think for msyelf without directions or commands. thanks for preparing stupid society. guess if you want somtehing done right you have to do it youerself. fuck them. i'm better off without them. i kick ass! go me.
i've been rather moody lately i've realized. thinkg i'm stressed. lost of files are being lost at work, and having to find them, then i accidently toss one of my co-workers lunch away thinking it was trash ( i would have admit to the ordeal but she was being such a bitch about it wouldn't have mattered if i made the situation right she's still be on my ass). i was starting to wonder if all these mistakes, missed place files and lost file are my fault. i'm not sure. i know i did a few but its impossible for me to do all of them. i know i've been taking more time and detailed look at what i'm doing. plus i have been making the voulnteer girls ( i call them red ants becaue of the clothing they wear) to help me file them and look for charts while i prep and orgainize them ( that takes a while becasue the employees before me fucked it up terribly). so now i dont' see all the charts start to finish. now everyone is looking me wondering where they're at. an di'm like i don't know. i think i'm always so worried about being fired that i dont' take the time to calm down and just pay a bit more attention to my job and stop panicing all the time. i'm alsways scared i'm not doing enough and try harder each time, but then i see morons at other jobs who hardly get fired and i should really be tinking i'm safe as long as i keep trying hard. good new is i got a raise already, i get 50 bucks extra each paycheck so a hundred total a month, course they do take some of it for taxes but i do get the money back later. they said with the extra money we got this year the doc's decided to give the employyes raises ( i guess a select few i dont' know). and my manager said that even though i only worked there for a few weeks the doc's saw i'm working hard and decided that i'm worth getting a raise. WOW. i'd never got that sort of attention at the vet place i feel very fuckin special. so good and bad things are happening at work. but i think its' good over all.
lately i've been really trying hard to look to the brighter side of life, taking the grain of salt. i'm trying to convince myself that life's not perfect, i'm gonna fuck up and its okay only if i learn and try hard to not repeat it. though repeating my mistakes is a toughy for me i do it often and don't realize it until its done. so at work i put up a sign saying " you don't have the right to quit or slack, remember corey and your future family is counting on you." if anything else, i have to work hard my family, give if i feel i don't care anymore. they shouldn't suffer due to me, its not right. i really want to see the person corey sees me as. he thinks i'm smart (though a little slow learner), sweet, funny, and extremely hard working. i have a difficult time seeing that but i want to. i'm not sure if its because i lack confidence or i'm not understanding. i guess importatnly i have to realize that all humans have flaws and we're gonna fuck up, that doesn't mean we're failures or stupid. i connect every mmistake i do as a failure and a blow to my intelligence. i should learn to realize that i'm smart even if i fuck up here and there. i want to move up in the world. i want to learn different things at my job, i want the confidence to do it and believe that i can do it not just thinking its gonna be okay the first few years i start it.
i know that society has done me wrong, forcing a free spirited and questionable mind to be orginaized, stand in line, don't ask questions and just obey type of person. now that i've been raised not to be assertive, not think for myself and such now i'm in the real world where i haev to be assertive and think for msyelf without directions or commands. thanks for preparing stupid society. guess if you want somtehing done right you have to do it youerself. fuck them. i'm better off without them. i kick ass! go me.