crash course in mime
I got a bad cold as I approached the weekend. I was a little hoarse on Friday night. I taught a teen self-defense class on Saturday, alone because both peer educators were unable to make it. By the time I finished I was down to silence, occasionally interrupted by squeaks.
I've lost my voice, and I miss it! No improvement since then. Lots of pointing and miming, some tiny whispering which I probably shouldn't do. I'm going into Chinatown to see my herbalist. She may have something helpful for me.
Otherwise I've been hit in the gut from a few different directions.
A week after a disastrous and threatening visit to a new Gyn I was still feeling a little raw. I went in for my weekly visit to the acupuncture clinic at school. Going up in the elevator I ran into the teacher/supervisor for my intern. As we rode up with others she launched into a suggestion for a treatment protocol for weight loss. I told her that I wasn't visiting the clinic for weight loss and that I want to stick to stick to the work we've been doing. I said I don't see my weight as a problem. She said that's what she wanted to talk to me about, as she rushed out of the elevator and into the teacher's lounge. I was bowled over by her insistence despite my wishes as a patient, and her lack of confidentiality in starting this discussion the in elevator.
The feeling that I wasn't safe there in my body hit me hard. I was overwhelmed by the the huge way that paradigms around "good" and "bad" bodies don't get challenged, and I wasn't feeling enough of my resources to challenge them in that moment. Instead of addressing it before leaving, I was seen by my intern who wondered at my wiry pulse (which often indicates deep, repressed emotion), was seen again briefly by the teacher/supervisor (who strangely never mentioned the issue again), and was treated and left without saying anything about it to anyone. My intern gave me a very deep level treatment that day, using two of the Extraordinary Meridians which have to do with the link between our ancestors and constitutional health and spiritual issues. She warned me that it might be tiring at first, and that I might have intense dreams that bring old issues to the surface. I was wiped out and had awful nightmares of betrayal and judgment. In one dream I was trying to save a drawer full of baby animals, but they kept dying. Lots of stuff that I think is about the need for self-love and self-care.
I felt a lot better, and stronger two days later. When I went back for my visit last week I was unable to see the teacher/supervisor, but spoke at length with my intern, who was very supportive. I'm going to work on what I say to the teacher/supervisor. It'll be delicate because she'll likely be supervising me in the future, also her English isn't too strong and I don't speak Mandarin, but I'll work it out.
I felt my resources coming back. Just in time, too!
Thursday night I went to class as usual and went to get my usual seat, in the front and center. Our desks are folding chairs with little wooden desk attachments on them. We fold them up and lean them against the wall between classes. I don't fit in these, so I usually have to get to class early and look around for a regular folding chair to use with a folding chair-desk attachment as well, in order to have a writing surface. I wasn't able to set up in my usual space, however, because a classmate had already set up a tight row of seats across the front of the room, and was recruiting people to sit in them. She was sitting where I usually sit. I was surprised with my level of anger at her, and my own attachment to that particular seat. She made a point in class that she was doing this because we all need to challenge ourselves to look from new perspectives, but it became clear that it an act directed at people she thought took up space in a way that locked other people out.
Strangely, this was all in context for the class, which is about the Luo Vessels which govern emotion and boundaries (taught by my favorite teacher, L.). Because of that our teacher let it play out a bit. Many of my classmates were also a little freaked out by sitting where they usually don't, and the tension in the room was high. I said that while I recognized the basic value of changing perspective, it's different when you're forced to by someone who clearly has a more complex agenda, and that if there was an issue about people getting pushed out of the front that it should be addressed directly. I also mentioned that no one can know another person's reasoning or intent without asking, and it shouldn't be assumed. We talked about it more, and people had various feelings and opinions about it. The last thing I said was about how as a fat person I often don't fit, or if I do it's only in the back. I explained that I need to basically construct my own seating arrangement every time I walk in a room at school, and that these are some of the reasons I make a point of putting myself in front.
Our teacher started the lecture a little bit later, but I was quite losing it. Angry that we all got put through this because one person was unable to be direct and felt like playing with our buttons. Grieving because this body stuff is always there and I'm tired of explaining. Defensive because I was starting to cry in class. I was really conscious of not wanting to ignore or dampen down my feelings, and I realized that I wasn't focusing or able to write, so I left the room and went ot the bathroom where I cried/threw my water bottle/slammed the stall doors, etc.
My classmate followed me in and apologized, saying it wasn't something directed at me personally, and that she wished she'd done it differently. I couldn't seem to get her to see that it was her assumptions and entitlement that were the issue, but she did listen to me. She was genuinely worried and sorry, but she didn't (and doesn't) get it. I went back to class and was grateful to see that my teacher had held the lecture until I was ready to return. She told me she was glad to see me. As she continued the lecture she gently used my responses to the situation as an example of how honoring ourselves is crucial. I felt pleased and squirmy, too. I loved being acknowledged, but resented having been the text for the lesson. My classmates checked in on me and my teacher hugged me after class.
I don't know if I want to keep talking about it, but I know I resent going through another draining experience. And how weird is it that now I'm suddenly voice-less?
Here are some good things:
1) Got to celebrate Mulberry Fields' birthday by going to see Sankai Juku http://www.sankaijuku.com/about_e.htm perform at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music.) So beautiful. I'm still dreaming about them at night.
2) The day before the desk incident I went to a needling practice session that was facilitated by my favorite teacher, L. She actually gave me an Emotional Luo treatment during the session. We worked on the level of repressed anxiety. It was absolutely wonderful. I felt a rush of heat leave my chest and head, and when I took a midterm that night I wasn't just calm, but slightly giddy. I'm sure this helped me deal with the craziness the next day.
3) After she treated me, she handed me the needles so I could work on her. She gave me a little direction, but mostly she just gave herself up to me with total confidence. It was lovely.
4) A small group of us did an Earth School treatment on a classmate and I got to work on some tricky points.
5) My teacher praised me, saying, "You're going to be great!"
I've lost my voice, and I miss it! No improvement since then. Lots of pointing and miming, some tiny whispering which I probably shouldn't do. I'm going into Chinatown to see my herbalist. She may have something helpful for me.
Otherwise I've been hit in the gut from a few different directions.
A week after a disastrous and threatening visit to a new Gyn I was still feeling a little raw. I went in for my weekly visit to the acupuncture clinic at school. Going up in the elevator I ran into the teacher/supervisor for my intern. As we rode up with others she launched into a suggestion for a treatment protocol for weight loss. I told her that I wasn't visiting the clinic for weight loss and that I want to stick to stick to the work we've been doing. I said I don't see my weight as a problem. She said that's what she wanted to talk to me about, as she rushed out of the elevator and into the teacher's lounge. I was bowled over by her insistence despite my wishes as a patient, and her lack of confidentiality in starting this discussion the in elevator.
The feeling that I wasn't safe there in my body hit me hard. I was overwhelmed by the the huge way that paradigms around "good" and "bad" bodies don't get challenged, and I wasn't feeling enough of my resources to challenge them in that moment. Instead of addressing it before leaving, I was seen by my intern who wondered at my wiry pulse (which often indicates deep, repressed emotion), was seen again briefly by the teacher/supervisor (who strangely never mentioned the issue again), and was treated and left without saying anything about it to anyone. My intern gave me a very deep level treatment that day, using two of the Extraordinary Meridians which have to do with the link between our ancestors and constitutional health and spiritual issues. She warned me that it might be tiring at first, and that I might have intense dreams that bring old issues to the surface. I was wiped out and had awful nightmares of betrayal and judgment. In one dream I was trying to save a drawer full of baby animals, but they kept dying. Lots of stuff that I think is about the need for self-love and self-care.
I felt a lot better, and stronger two days later. When I went back for my visit last week I was unable to see the teacher/supervisor, but spoke at length with my intern, who was very supportive. I'm going to work on what I say to the teacher/supervisor. It'll be delicate because she'll likely be supervising me in the future, also her English isn't too strong and I don't speak Mandarin, but I'll work it out.
I felt my resources coming back. Just in time, too!
Thursday night I went to class as usual and went to get my usual seat, in the front and center. Our desks are folding chairs with little wooden desk attachments on them. We fold them up and lean them against the wall between classes. I don't fit in these, so I usually have to get to class early and look around for a regular folding chair to use with a folding chair-desk attachment as well, in order to have a writing surface. I wasn't able to set up in my usual space, however, because a classmate had already set up a tight row of seats across the front of the room, and was recruiting people to sit in them. She was sitting where I usually sit. I was surprised with my level of anger at her, and my own attachment to that particular seat. She made a point in class that she was doing this because we all need to challenge ourselves to look from new perspectives, but it became clear that it an act directed at people she thought took up space in a way that locked other people out.
Strangely, this was all in context for the class, which is about the Luo Vessels which govern emotion and boundaries (taught by my favorite teacher, L.). Because of that our teacher let it play out a bit. Many of my classmates were also a little freaked out by sitting where they usually don't, and the tension in the room was high. I said that while I recognized the basic value of changing perspective, it's different when you're forced to by someone who clearly has a more complex agenda, and that if there was an issue about people getting pushed out of the front that it should be addressed directly. I also mentioned that no one can know another person's reasoning or intent without asking, and it shouldn't be assumed. We talked about it more, and people had various feelings and opinions about it. The last thing I said was about how as a fat person I often don't fit, or if I do it's only in the back. I explained that I need to basically construct my own seating arrangement every time I walk in a room at school, and that these are some of the reasons I make a point of putting myself in front.
Our teacher started the lecture a little bit later, but I was quite losing it. Angry that we all got put through this because one person was unable to be direct and felt like playing with our buttons. Grieving because this body stuff is always there and I'm tired of explaining. Defensive because I was starting to cry in class. I was really conscious of not wanting to ignore or dampen down my feelings, and I realized that I wasn't focusing or able to write, so I left the room and went ot the bathroom where I cried/threw my water bottle/slammed the stall doors, etc.
My classmate followed me in and apologized, saying it wasn't something directed at me personally, and that she wished she'd done it differently. I couldn't seem to get her to see that it was her assumptions and entitlement that were the issue, but she did listen to me. She was genuinely worried and sorry, but she didn't (and doesn't) get it. I went back to class and was grateful to see that my teacher had held the lecture until I was ready to return. She told me she was glad to see me. As she continued the lecture she gently used my responses to the situation as an example of how honoring ourselves is crucial. I felt pleased and squirmy, too. I loved being acknowledged, but resented having been the text for the lesson. My classmates checked in on me and my teacher hugged me after class.
I don't know if I want to keep talking about it, but I know I resent going through another draining experience. And how weird is it that now I'm suddenly voice-less?
Here are some good things:
1) Got to celebrate Mulberry Fields' birthday by going to see Sankai Juku http://www.sankaijuku.com/about_e.htm perform at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music.) So beautiful. I'm still dreaming about them at night.
2) The day before the desk incident I went to a needling practice session that was facilitated by my favorite teacher, L. She actually gave me an Emotional Luo treatment during the session. We worked on the level of repressed anxiety. It was absolutely wonderful. I felt a rush of heat leave my chest and head, and when I took a midterm that night I wasn't just calm, but slightly giddy. I'm sure this helped me deal with the craziness the next day.
3) After she treated me, she handed me the needles so I could work on her. She gave me a little direction, but mostly she just gave herself up to me with total confidence. It was lovely.
4) A small group of us did an Earth School treatment on a classmate and I got to work on some tricky points.
5) My teacher praised me, saying, "You're going to be great!"