so it is Easter
I want to thank God, thank Jesus for extending us salvation. this is Easter, after all.
but this morning i woke up in a right mood, mainly because of combined service, with,obviously, the English service. every year we seem intent to subject ourselves to abject humiliation in the form of choir performance. yes, i know that it is to the glory of God, not to anyone's own personal glory, and i know everybody thinks i care only about the latter, and to be completely honest i worry about the thin line between the two within me, as well. but i do believe that if something's going to be presented - and this coming from me, who is liable to flub up her piano duties during service - it should at least be done decently. i mean, hello, rjco practices for what, more than seventeen hours a week for human beings? if this were really in the name of God, for God, shouldn't it more heart and effort be invested into it?
it just seems as if just because we're a Chinese service, poorer and less well-educated, and because some elements of the English service look down (or SEEM to do so) on us, we are intent to stay within that stereotype, that we can't do anything vaguely even decent. don't tell me that we can't help it, what with so little people being willing to be committed to the choirs, and even lesser among these who can actually hold a tune, and only a handful who would know what to do on a piano other than look at it; we've been can't-helping-it for years. as long as i can remember myself, being probably the longest-running 'member' of the choir since our best conductors left us (they were a husband and wife who actually cared, then couldn't take it any more). it isn't as if we're a 'bad' church, if such a thing exists and can be qualified so. we're expanding, our youth group is growing. honestly there is no decent excuse as to why we ourselves humiliate ourselves and honestly, the God we're supposed to be singing for, EVERY YEAR on this day without fail. especially since every once in a while, when someone DOES bother, we can produce a pretty decent performance.
just as long as you put in effort- as if. we practice for performances, what, two weeks in advance? apparently we go up on stage without any coordination, without bothering even to queue properly in our (floating, according to whether anyone wants to turn up, or not) positions, without ever being uniform in dress (or at least wear the same colour). someone always goes out of beat. at least every one of us goes out of tune at some point in time, if not altogether. the only small mercy is that so far, the pianists have been of the sturdy type.
and when i try to say all these things, point them out tactfully, everyone shushes me. why? my brother and i are the kids of one of the longest-serving deacons, but we haven't been particularly active in our youth group, especially me, mainly because they meet on saturdays - and i have cca every saturday. that, and the fact that, somehow or another, us being the only Rafflesians (and here is where people will stone me for sounding snobbish) everyone seems to think we can do everything, and expect us to be able to do everything, and whenever we don't, or we're not as perfect as they think we should be, or just because we speak more English than we do Mandarin, everyone seems upset with us. when we do offer to help, everyone looks at us accusingly as if we should have helped long ago. my brother has given up. he told me to shut my ears before going on stage today. i wear a skirt that touches my knee and someone complains it is too short. my friend from mj wears jeans to usher alongside me and no one says anything.
yeah i should not let double standards affect me if i care so much. but this has been a long time coming. i am so sincerely sick of feeling as if i'm going nowhere, learning nothing really new, moving nowhere closer to God. everything seems to be getting harder and harder, even as the aunties who have cloistered and pampered me as long as i can remember continue to do so, continue to be familiar, but always seem to increasingly be unable to understand why i want to do better in what i'm doing academically, sometimes at the expense of always being available for the youth group.
my parents will never allow this, but i know i was contemplating moving to another church this Easter Sunday.
but this morning i woke up in a right mood, mainly because of combined service, with,obviously, the English service. every year we seem intent to subject ourselves to abject humiliation in the form of choir performance. yes, i know that it is to the glory of God, not to anyone's own personal glory, and i know everybody thinks i care only about the latter, and to be completely honest i worry about the thin line between the two within me, as well. but i do believe that if something's going to be presented - and this coming from me, who is liable to flub up her piano duties during service - it should at least be done decently. i mean, hello, rjco practices for what, more than seventeen hours a week for human beings? if this were really in the name of God, for God, shouldn't it more heart and effort be invested into it?
it just seems as if just because we're a Chinese service, poorer and less well-educated, and because some elements of the English service look down (or SEEM to do so) on us, we are intent to stay within that stereotype, that we can't do anything vaguely even decent. don't tell me that we can't help it, what with so little people being willing to be committed to the choirs, and even lesser among these who can actually hold a tune, and only a handful who would know what to do on a piano other than look at it; we've been can't-helping-it for years. as long as i can remember myself, being probably the longest-running 'member' of the choir since our best conductors left us (they were a husband and wife who actually cared, then couldn't take it any more). it isn't as if we're a 'bad' church, if such a thing exists and can be qualified so. we're expanding, our youth group is growing. honestly there is no decent excuse as to why we ourselves humiliate ourselves and honestly, the God we're supposed to be singing for, EVERY YEAR on this day without fail. especially since every once in a while, when someone DOES bother, we can produce a pretty decent performance.
just as long as you put in effort- as if. we practice for performances, what, two weeks in advance? apparently we go up on stage without any coordination, without bothering even to queue properly in our (floating, according to whether anyone wants to turn up, or not) positions, without ever being uniform in dress (or at least wear the same colour). someone always goes out of beat. at least every one of us goes out of tune at some point in time, if not altogether. the only small mercy is that so far, the pianists have been of the sturdy type.
and when i try to say all these things, point them out tactfully, everyone shushes me. why? my brother and i are the kids of one of the longest-serving deacons, but we haven't been particularly active in our youth group, especially me, mainly because they meet on saturdays - and i have cca every saturday. that, and the fact that, somehow or another, us being the only Rafflesians (and here is where people will stone me for sounding snobbish) everyone seems to think we can do everything, and expect us to be able to do everything, and whenever we don't, or we're not as perfect as they think we should be, or just because we speak more English than we do Mandarin, everyone seems upset with us. when we do offer to help, everyone looks at us accusingly as if we should have helped long ago. my brother has given up. he told me to shut my ears before going on stage today. i wear a skirt that touches my knee and someone complains it is too short. my friend from mj wears jeans to usher alongside me and no one says anything.
yeah i should not let double standards affect me if i care so much. but this has been a long time coming. i am so sincerely sick of feeling as if i'm going nowhere, learning nothing really new, moving nowhere closer to God. everything seems to be getting harder and harder, even as the aunties who have cloistered and pampered me as long as i can remember continue to do so, continue to be familiar, but always seem to increasingly be unable to understand why i want to do better in what i'm doing academically, sometimes at the expense of always being available for the youth group.
my parents will never allow this, but i know i was contemplating moving to another church this Easter Sunday.