Forget fossil fuel
Title: Forget fossil fuel.
Giftee: waterofthemoon
Author: still_refrain
Genre: Crack
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Word count: 8,189
Summary: Jensen and Jared are captured by aliens, or is that fangirls from the future disguised as aliens. Did I mention is was crack?
Notes: My first J2 fic written for spn_j2_xmas2012 for waterofthemoonwho wanted aliens made them do it. I tried to squash in as many of her other likes as I could. Happy Christmas! I hope you enjoy it and you’ll forgive my gentle poke at fandom clichés. Many thanks to, my twin in all things porny, mysteriousaliwz or the beta. Any mistakes are mine alone.
When Jensen and Jared were captured by aliens Jensen wasn’t particularly worried at first. The whole thing had started off when they were grave digging. They were coming up to hiatus and the crew were in holiday mode and had been giving them shit all day. So when the flat, saucer like disc had hoved into view, above the tree line, Jensen thought it was some elaborate prank by special effects. They could make some pretty spectacular shit but the image looked flat as if it had been projected from behind the tree line.
“What the fuck?” shouted Dave, the episode’s director.
It was nice to know that him and Jared weren’t the only ones being pranked.
“Save yourself Jared,” said Jensen playing along as the projection had neared them, glowing aqua and blue lights swirling across it’s surface. It was really quite pretty - somebody had gone to a lot of trouble to make it - maybe they were angling for a pay rise, although judging from Dave’s expression it would be the opposite.
There were “ooh’s” and “ahh’s” from the camera crew who’d stopped to boggle at the thing. But then Mary from lighting screamed, a real blood curdling epic kind of scream, that would have had Kripke signing her up on the spot, and all hell broke lose.
Jared dropped his spade down the grave and starred open mouthed at the apparition - gullible fool.
Jensen gave the cameras his best horrified expression - he always thought of Jim Beaver in speedos, made it more realistic.
“Run, Jared, run I’ll save you!” he hammed it up good style.
These pranks always made the gag reel. It was only as the UFO hovered above them that Jensen began to feel a tiny niggle of doubt. It looked alarmingly 3D with a rapidly spinning underbelly and a radius of raised parallel lines around what looked scarily like a gapping mouth.
Jared gave him a short, sharp shove to get him moving and the pair of them started hurdling across the graves like Olympic athletes. Olympic athletes fortunately didn’t have to cope with statues, falling lighting rigs and ball breaking angelic crosses. Jensen went down like a ton of bricks. The UFO descended upon him. Jared looked back towards Jensen, panic in every line of his body. A blinding, light cut off his view of Jared, all he could hear was the anguished “Noooooooo…” and his last thought before he was swept up and away was “Oh fuck I’m really not in the mood for any anal probing”
*******************************************************************************************************************************
His eyes, wouldn’t focus, everything was just a blur of light but there was a voice up close, friendly and female “Don’t worry your eyes will adjust in a few minutes, the tractor beam technicians always make it too bright, like it won’t be really authentic if we don’t have a big, shiny light carving up the night sky.” The last was said with a hint of resentment. Jensen however, was more focused on the fact that the alien woman could speak English.
“Mr Padalecki” came another voice equally friendly and female “try not to move, until your eyes adjust”
Damn it all Jared was here as well
“Here, have a chair.”
This was downright surreal, first the aliens were multilingual, then they were offering up furniture for their convenience. Jensen felt himself being guided forward by something that felt suspiciously like a hand on his shoulder “You too Mr Ackles” his own hands connected with the back of something hard and chest height and he was given a small push into a seat.
Here he was, one of the first humans aboard an alien spacecraft and the aliens didn’t even have the decency to act like aliens. Not that he was complaining too much, it was a relief not to panic about being probed.
“Jay?” he asked “You alright” he could sense Jared beside him, the solid bulk of him radiating heat.
“Yeah I’m fine, eyes are a bit blurry. You?”
“Well apart from bruised balls and lasered eyeballs I’m good or as good as you can be when you’ve been abducted by aliens.”
“I’m sorry about that gentlemen” came the first voice again “When we’ve explained the reason why it was necessary you’ll be free to leave if you choose to.” As she spoke Jensen’s eyes began to adjust and he could make out a vaguely humanoid figure and some sort of bank of equipment behind her.
“But then we’ll have to go hijack Dylan and Tyler!” came a younger voice from his left
“I know you’re not a fan of Teen wolf Blanche but you will keep your opinions to yourself.”
“Sorry Ma’am.” came the voice resolving itself into the figure of a redheaded girl, smart in a navy uniform but looking as sulky as a girl can be.
“Blanche?” said Jared “That’s not a very alien name.”
“We’re not aliens as such, more like visitors from the future, we just use the saucer as a disguise, our normal ships are more like F16 fighters but if you’re going to abduct people you run into all sorts of problems if people think their own governments doing it.” The woman who was speaking was smaller than Blanche, equally as well turned out as Blanche and now that his eye sight was returning if he squinted he could see an ensignia what looked like the symbol for male that he remembered from biology lessons only doubled and conjoined. There was also her name.
“Mary Sue?”
“Ahhh. I see you’re eyesight’s returning” she said smiling “That’s the name of our ship. I’m Vera. The captain of the Mary Sue and head of our mission. These are my crew.” She said gesturing to a group of about ten women spread around what Jensen assumed was the flight deck.
“Well it’s reassuring to know that you’re not aliens and we’re not going to be probed any time soon.” said Jensen with a grin.
“That’s what he thinks,” said Blanche with a sneaky smile.
Vera gave her a look that would have scorched asbestos and she quickly turned around and started checking an instrument panel.
“Ignore Blanche she’s young and just been posted…..”
Jensen was still a bit perturbed by the probing reference but looking around the room at the crew he realised they looked no more scary than a group of fan girls and whilst they could be plenty scary, Jared was good at handling them. He either told them stories about Harley and Sadie until they melted into gooey puddles or he wiggled his ass at them and they melted into overheated gooey puddles. So no problem.
“…as I said these are my crew and they have all” she shot Blanche a stern look “been instructed to treat you with the utmost respect. Our journey will only be a short one but you will be afforded every comfort. Once we reach home we will discuss why it was necessary to abduct you and if you choose then to leave we will return you to your own time.”
Jensen guessed there were worse things in the world than being kidnapped by a multitude of hot women intent on catering to his every whim and sat back to enjoy the ride.
*************************************************************************************************************************
The deck looked like something out of star trek but as Vera had pointed out science fiction often paved the way to real technology, so he supposed it made sense. Like the Enterprise the deck had a wide screen that showed the approach to the futuristic city. Although not much detail could be made out as everything was covered in thick blankets and drifts of snow. Apparently the experts who’d predicted global warming had all been wrong and what they had to expect from the future was a new ice age. Jensen hated the cold, he felt like suing Al Gore for breach of promise. Instead he made a note to sell his shares in the swanky hotel in Bahamas and invest in ski jackets and heated toilet seats if he ever made it home.
He wasn’t at all sure if they would make it home. Not if Jared had anything to do with it. Once they’d reassured him of his safety Jared had bounced around the flight deck questioning the crew about every single bit of equipment, eyes wide as saucers and mouth making exclamations of delight and wonder. The crew were thrilled with his interest, grinning inanely at him and encouraging his easy flirting. Although they kept glancing over at Jensen every now again with apologetic glances as if Jared was his property. Jared of course was oblivious, happily in his element and thriving of the attention. Jensen was sure that he now had enough knowledge to fly the saucer home and to reduce the crew to the usual fan girlie puddles of goo.
“Hang on to your hats gentleman” announced Vera “we’re about to land.”
Obviously it was a figure of speech as the landing was as smooth as silk. The saucer hovering in to position and dropping softly onto a snowy landing strip beneath them. There were several minutes of checks as Vera turned off the ignition and then they all made their way to the coat racks were a vast array of huge parka jackets, hats, balaclavas, scarves, gloves, mittens, boots, snoods and goggles awaited them. Jensen thought it was overkill until he stepped out on to the windswept landing strip. It was colder than Vancouver…in January…..in a meat freezer.
Even Jared was momentarily taken aback “Fucking hell it’s cold” he exclaimed.
“This is summer,” said Blanche voice muffled by the layers of fur round her parka “it’s almost balmy.”
Jensen raised his eyebrows at that or he would have done if they hadn’t frozen solid.
Vera hustled them the short distance across the slippy,icy terrain to a small, dome shaped building.
“Most of our city is underground,” she explained “the domes are just the entrances. Everything we do we do below ground for the majority of the year. We grow our crops underground, keep our animals underground, basically we work, live and play underground.”
The dome was warm, light and welcoming and uniformed officers ushered them through to a changing room where they removed their outer layers of clothing. Then it was onwards to wide, tree lined boulevards resting beneath lights so bright it was almost like daylight. The lights obscured his view of the ceilings but they were high enough to accommodate the three storey buildings that bracketed the streets. They appeared to be walking through some sort of shopping district, with smart store fronts and small crowds of women flitting from shop to shop with expensive looking bags and ridiculously coiffured dogs sitting in the expensive looking bags. He felt Jared tense beside him. He knew well Jared’s opinions on dogs as fashion accessories. He slung an arm around Jared’s shoulder gave it a quick squeeze
“Let’s not offend the natives, not yet anyway”
Jared didn’t say anything but was so busy glaring at a woman carrying a sad looking, poodle puppy the exact same tan colour as her coat that he nearly bumped into a statue.
“Whoa!” said Jensen staring upwards and immediately regretting it because the statue was huge but also anatomically very detailed and Jensen was staring as the biggest cock he’d ever seen, even counting the epic monolith that was Jared unclothed. The statue looked classical, maybe Roman or Greek but was clearly not because the faces (if you could tear your eyes away from the bodies and the very compromising position they were in) were very familiar.
“Who knew Spock could look so animated?” said Jared
“I think even a rock would look animated if Kirk was doing that to them.”
They both tilted their heads sideways and lower as if to confirm what they were actually seeing
was real.
Vera caught their looks and smiled “You may have noticed that we’re a bit short of men around here….”
Jensen’s inner Dean perked up and began indulging in fantasies of big breasted, amazon women starved of male company and eager to fuck like bunnies in order to keep the human race going.
“…..so we tend to appreciate the male form, we’ve moved past the need for men biologically….”
The big breasts in Jensen’s vision deflated like balloons that had just been popped by the cruel and heartless pinprick of reality.
“…but we enjoy the aesthetic appeal of the male body.”
The word enjoy was emphasised enough that Jensen noticed Blanche smirk and quickly look away from them in a way that made Jensen very nervous.
When they rounded the next corner and saw the statue of Luke and Han (who knew you could do that with a light sabre!) Jensen’s nerves began to translate into suspicions.
By the time they saw Aragorn and Legolas frolicking in a bower of bronze and gold leaves that twined sinuously around the neighbouring lamp post and carpeted the pavement (the whole effect was very pretty if you liked that sort of thing) he could see Jared looking round for possible escape routes. Escape didn’t seem likely - not with their twenty woman escort, not with the snow outside and not with the small consideration that they weren’t even in their own time.
Basically they were fucked.
******************************************************************************************************************************
“No!” said Jensen and Jared in unison.
They were sitting in some sort of informal council chamber, with Vera and the lady mayor a particularly stunning brunette called Edith whose chain of office again featured the symbol that Vera wore on her uniform. It was all fitting together like some sort of horrifying jigsaw puzzle featuring knobbly bits that had nothing to do with the shape of the jigsaw pieces. Jensen’s knobbly bits were staying firmly in his jeans.
“Can I ask why not? You haven’t even heard our proposition yet.”
There was a glass of whisky in front of him but Jensen wasn’t about to let them ply him with alcohol. Oh no. Not that he’d give in anyway. Yeah so he was a bit of a slut when he was drunk but that didn’t mean he would give in to their heinous scheme; drunk or sober. Even if that did mean getting to see Jared “epic monolith” Padalecki naked.
“We saw enough of the statues.” said Jared firmly
“Did you see the one of Starsky and Hutch, that’s my favourite” said Edith dreamily “mind you the trouble we had erecting it…..”
“No,” said Jensen interrupting hastily “and we don’t want to either. We’re not gay and we won’t be posing for any statues.”
“Oh they weren’t gay either,” said Vera “just ordinary men prepared to give their all for the future of our city.”
Edith nodded her brown tresses bouncing with enthusiasm. “Real heroes willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.”
“They’ll be remembered and honoured forever…..”
Their fervour was getting downright scary
“You seem to have a different interpretation of heroes to us. Heroes are people who save kids from burning buildings, or face down armed robbers, or fight for their country, not get their kit off and cavort round in positions even the karma sutra would be afraid to go.” said Jensen
“You seem to have misunderstood us…”
“..or not listened in the first place” said Vera with a firmer voice.
“The statues are just to honour our heroes, we don’t want you to pose for them!”
“Oh thank Christ for that!” said Jensen finally taking a gulp of his whisky.
“No we want you to have sex.”
Jensen felt the forty percent proof burn out his lungs before it hurtled skywards rocketing out of his mouth towards Jared.
He knew he wasn’t hearing things because Jared looked as if someone had slapped him across the face with a wet fish, enhanced with a garnish of whisky sodden saliva.
Before Jensen could even think of articulating his shock, Edith carried on regardless as if she’s asked them to have a cup of coffee together.
“You see the thing is the whole city, our lights, our transport, our manufacturing and most importantly our heat are all powered by one energy source. Oil, natural gas, coal - they’ve all ran out, we can’t use solar because of the low natural light levels that our winters generate.” She gestured to a landscape painting across from them; bleak, snowy and darkly dismal. “A century ago, by a pure fluke one scientist discovered that you could tap into the energy generated by slash. The heat generated by women reading quality porn can power a city. Unfortunately in the last decades our winters have become harsher and something more was needed.”
“Let me guess…” said Jared who was obviously made of sturdier stuff than Jensen because he could actually form words rather than having his brain tripping over the huge, pink, neon warning signs in Jensen’s head flashing “DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! DON’T THINK ABOUT JARED! DON’T THINK ABOUT SEX WITH JARED! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IMAGINE JARED’S NAKED BODY WRITHING ON TOP OF YOUR NAKED BODY!” and as a postscript in smaller luminous green “Also you might want to clean up the whisky that you’ve sprayed all over Jared’s chest. His firm, muscular chest, that’s showing just a hint of nipple through his now wet shirt. WHICH YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT!”
“…….you wanted the live version. Spock and Kirk, Han Solo and Luke..”
“Exactly,” said Edith sporting a winning smile “Every season we go back in time and recruit couples. We explain our circumstances and they volunteer to help us power our city. Without that power our city would be doomed.” She gave Jensen a pointed look “The temperatures outside are -20. We couldn’t grow our crops, couldn’t maintain our body heat. It would only be a matter of time.”
“I like the word volunteer,” said Jensen “It implies that we have a choice. I believe Vera said that we were free to leave any time we wanted.”
“You’re refusing us!” said Edith frowning.
“Damn straight, we are!” said Jensen looking over to Jared for back up.
Jared however was looking thoughtful. Jensen felt his heart begin a slow descent to his stomach.
“Has anyone refused before?” Jared asked.
“No,” said Edith “Some have understandably taken their time to come to a decision but once they were aware of the life and death nature of the decision they all agreed to help.”
“Surely you could ask for other volunteers?”
“Well if you turn us down the next on the list is Harry and Draco...”
“Hang on,” said Jensen “They’re just kids…you can’t….”
“….or Dylan and Tyler.”
“I think they might generate more heat anyway.” said Vera with a sly grin “They have so much more chemistry.”
“More chemistry than us!” said Jensen affronted.
“Well they have that whole bromance going off screen as well.”
“And we don’t!”
“Jen, let’s not get into a pissing competition here..” said Jared all reason.
“The pride of Supernatural is at stake here,” said Jensen “There is no way they’re hotter than us.”
“So we’re not having sex to save thousands of people, were having sex because your ego can’t cope with the competition?” asked Jared.
“No not at all,” said Jensen suddenly realising he’d backed himself into a corner. “I’m just here to help the hot women.”
Jared turned to Edith “Well it looks like you got Jensen to agree, I however have one condition…”
************************************************************************************************************************
Their room looked like one of the set motel rooms, presumably in order to make them feel more comfortable. Like the set; research papers were strewn across the table but unlike filming it wasn’t Jared sifting through them it was Jensen. Jared was sprawled across the bed seemingly oblivious to Jensen’s plight.
“This is the fourth one I’ve read that says my eyes were blown wide “only the hint of jade green rimming inky, black pupils, dark with want.” Don’t they realise people only look like that when they’ve had major cranial trauma. I’m sure I’d look very fuckin’ sexy with half my brains hanging out.”
“So pick another one,” said Jared.
“Half of them involve me crying over Free Willy and you consoling me with your dick up my ass.”
“Yeah well you’ve always been good at crying on cue.”
“You cannot be serious?”
“It’s called acting Jen.” said Jared sitting up and propping himself against the ugly brown velvet headboard.
“I don’t mind acting the part of Dean and whilst I do mind getting royally screwed I’m prepared to do it for the greater good but acting like a girl no way man.”
Jared sighed “What about the one were the sex pollen makes us fuck. That seemed pretty straightforward to me. We get it done and dusted quickly, no long build up for the nerves to start getting the better of us. Plus you’d rock the sexy botanist look.”
Jensen gave him a doubtful look.
“You would! You look friggin’ hot in glasses.”
“Jay we might have to screw each other senseless for the future of humanity but there’s no need to act like it’s real.”
Jared blinked; eyes darting away from Jensen’s looking almost hurt.
“Last time I pay you a compliment. Anyway, sex pollen.”
“It’s not bad. It’s just I can’t get into it. She keeps talking about your bum. It puts me off I keep imagining a smelly old hobo stuck to your backside….”
Jared laughed.
“And your ass needs no adornment.” the last was added with a leer just because he felt bad about Jared’s hurt look.
“Not real Jen.” said Jared grinning and Jensen felt a happy little warmth settle in his chest relieved that they were back on track.
“Are we confusing reality with porn or porn with reality” said Jensen.
“At least Mischa’s not here, otherwise we might have the pizza delivery boy scenario!”
“Don’t! Could you imagine - they’d be planning threesomes. I’m having enough trouble wrapping my head round it as it is.” said Jensen.
“I think your problem is that you’re focusing on the small stuff instead of the bigger picture. Tommorow we’re going to have to act out one of these scenarios in front of an audience and we’re going to have to fuck.”
“Gee, I feel a whole lot better now!” said Jensen scrubbing his eyes with the base of his palms as if he could scrub the problem out of his head.
Jared got up from the bed moving round towards him.
“God this is so fucked up.”
Jared went to sling a consoling arm around him and Jensen startled backwards nearly tripping over the box of props on the floor.
“Fuck.”
Jared frowned and reeled him into a hug anyway, as if big arms could squeeze the tension out of him. Jensen just went with it knowing better than to fight it, his face smushed into Jared’s solid shoulder, the warm scent of Jared’s cologne familiar and comforting. They held on for a few seconds Jensen thinking that he had to get used to it, get used to more intimacy but with Jared wrapped around him it was like all his worries were muffled, like he could almost do this.
Jared stepped back drawing his hands up to Jensen’s biceps squeezing them tight and echoing Jensen’s thoughts. His face was close and purposeful.
“We can do this Jen. You and me. We’ve done shitty things before and we’ve come out the other end stronger. Imagine if it was someone else. At least it’s us. I trust you man.” Jared’s eyes were warm and sincere, convincing almost “I wanna be the one,” there was a pause “I want you to fuck me.”
Jensen looked up at him eyes wide and questioning, unable to voice his thoughts.
Jared’s hands had stopped squeezing just resting across Jensen’s arms as if reluctant to let go.
“I’m sure. It’ll be easier for you. You can imagine I’m some hot blonde or something…”
Jensen pulled himself together enough to say “Dude you’re gonna need some serious waxing done to pass for a girl!”
He could feel the relief loosen Jared’s grip on his arms, his hands sliding reluctantly to his sides.
“Those gender swap fics they gave us? You think they can make that happen?” Jared was biting at his lip. Jensen tried not to notice that it was swollen, pink and moist.
“Oh no way man!”
“It’s just it might be easier for you. They’ve got time travel and fan girl generated heat they might be..”
“No, no and no again,” exclaimed Jensen sure his face was a mask of horror “you’re not doing that for me. I’ll be fine.”
“It wouldn’t freak you out as much. It’d be more natural.” said Jared seemingly determined to convince Jensen despite his obvious nerves.
“There’s nothing natural about your balls shrivelling up, your cock falling off and suddenly developing a fetish for sucking thoughtfully at your pen!”
“My pen?”
“Yeah apparently you gnawing the end of a sharpie whilst fluttering your newly elongated eyelashes is supposed to convince me that you give amazing head. But what guy wants to compare his cock to a pen, even a jumbo crayon’s not gonna hack it….maybe if you were wrapping your lips round a banana?” Jensen stopped as he realised that he might just have gone a bit too far and that he now had a vision in his head of a blonde, bimbo Jared, waxed to satin smoothness and mouthing enthusiastically at a banana. It was disturbingly hot.
“Focusing on the small stuff again Jen!” snapped Jared
“Well you’re not doing it. I appreciate the offer, I really do but I’m gonna put on my big boy pants….or take them off…whatever……man up ……or is that gay up…..whatever…..and fuck you properly.”
Jared’s eyes boggled.
“Maybe that didn’t come out properly?”
“No that sounds like you came out just fine!”
“God!” groaned Jensen.
“No, it’s ok. We’re doing this and you’re being positive and proactive. So lets get this shit sorted now. Scenario? What about the old getting drunk gem - might take the edge off a bit.”
“According to these fics we can drink an entire bar dry and still manage to screw each other in seventy six different positions before we’ve even developed a hangover. I like my drink but I can’t see straight after a couple of Buds….”
Jared’s face twisted in sudden realisation.
“You’re remembering that pool game at Eric’s aren’t you?”
“Ok you are so not drinking!”
“I slipped, it was an accident.”
“You nearly took the waitresses eye out!”
“Unfair, anyway I’m not likely to poke your eye out…you’re lucky these stories aren’t accurate
According to one I was hung like a baboon on viagra that had got it’s cock stuck in the hoover on shagpile mode….and as for you!”
Jared cleared his throat and looked shifty.
“Thank Christ I’m the one whose toppping!” said Jensen
“Dude it’s about the only thing we have decided. We need to choose.” said Jared firmly.
“Ok, ok you wanna go for the self lubricating anus fic or the I’m going to die of a lust spell if you don’t screw me through the wall fic?”
********************************************************************************************************************************
“That’s why we don’t advise people to look,” said Edith patiently. Jensen wanted to ram the I told you so down her throat or he would have done if he hadn’t been hyperventilating into a brown paper bag. The image he’d accidentally seen on the monitor swam in his head again, thousands of women all being hooked up with electrodes to some bizarre, energy channelling device.
Vera gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze “You know the room’s soundproofed right? And the cameras aren’t even obvious. It’ll just feel like you and Jared.”
Jared was knelt down before him, sitting on his heels; big hands resting for balance on Jensen’s knees his eyes earnest and compassionate.
Taking a pause from inflating the paper bag Jensen said “Yeah but now I know they’re all there, thousands of women, all judging my first gay performance. It’s like dancing with the stars…only worse.”
“Think positive Jen, at least there’s no lycra, or sequins.” Jared said confidently although he glanced up at Vera still resting a reassuring hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
“No, not if you don’t want them” she said hastily.
“That’s a damn shame,” said Edith sighing wistfully “Bono and The Edge really embraced the ballroom dancing theme. Star crossed lovers meeting under the spangly lights of the glitter-ball. Admittedly the all in one jump suits were a bit of a hindrance but Bono really suited the feather boa…”
“Not helping here!” said Vera.
“Don’t, please don’t,” said Jensen grimacing at the mental images “Next you’ll be telling me AC/DC and Iron maiden were at it.”
“Well…” said Edith a smirk creasing her pretty, pink lips.
Jared squeezed Jensen’s knee “Hey if Brian Johnson and Bruce Dickinson can take one for the team so can we. Come on Jen. We can do it.”
“Ok, ok,” said Jensen releasing the paper bag and squaring his shoulders having been convinced more by Jared’s earnest expression than his winning argument “let’s do this.”
Edith and Vera both sighed simultaneously in relief and urged them on into the room of doom.
In the end Jensen and Jared had both agreed on a surprisingly charming RPS fic (the whole thing was difficult enough without having to act like Dean and deal with the whole incest thing) where they were trapped in a cabin and had to snuggle for warmth, with the snuggling leading to other things. Jensen having read the story had noticed that there were lots of blankets involved and had jumped at the chance of hiding under the covers.
The women urged them through the door with jaunty expressions of “Good luck” and “Break a leg” Jensen didn’t want to think too much about the last one. Knowing them they had a little hurt/comfort fic lying around that involved some sort of kinky use for plaster of Paris and a lot of sexual athletics. They found themselves in a non-descript corridor, the door firmly locked behind them.
“So much for free will.” moaned Jensen as Jared opened another door, before he was able to get a look at the room beyond, a freezing cold curtain of what seemed to be snow, ice and slush soaked them from above.
Jensen never knew Jared knew so many curse words. Shivering with cold and really fucking angry Jensen was all for cancelling the whole thing. Especially when the halfhearted apology came crackling across an intercom from Edith “Sorry about that gentlemen but we’re aiming for realism here…”
“Says the woman who suggested we role-played gay vampire bikers on ice,” snapped Jared in an uncharacteristically pissy voice.
“…..there’s some lovely, warm, fluffy towels and a roaring fire inside.” urged Edith.
“Just the kind of realistic touches that you’d find in an abandoned cabin in the middle of a blizzard.”
said Jensen.
“Don’t say that!” said Jared “They’ll take them off us.”
There was a muffling sound as if someone had tried to cover the microphone and then a lower voice “You think the hot chocolate was overkill?”
Another voice equally muffled replied “Nah, just think of the aerosol cream, gotta have the cream.”
Now that he’d recovered from the shock Jensen could see that there were indeed steaming cups of hot chocolate resting on a table inside the pseudo abandoned cabin, although it was more a case of a cabin abandoned by really rich bastards. The whole place reeked of luxury from the thick shag pile rugs that looked like they’d been taken straight from the back of a polar bear to the huge, modern art abstracts in rustic colours hanging on the walls. Out of the window Jensen could see a blizzard blowing (he wasn’t sure whether it was a special effect or the real thing) and between the flurries of snow he was sure he could see a hot tub.
The intercom came back on properly this time and it was Vera instead “Look I’m really sorry, just think of it as a reminder of how cold our winters get and how much we really need you to do this.”
Jared grunted something affirmative already having moved into the room and Jensen followed seeking out the promised towels because he really was freezing. The intercom went off with a echoing ping that sounded final and Jared found the towels over on the sofa - neatly folded, big and fluffy.
“I can’t believe we found this place,” said Jared looking around at his surroundings with curiosity.
Jensen was a little less convincing when he said “I know man, I thought we were gonna die out there.” He didn't feel particularly bothered about delivering a stellar performance, after all it wasn't what the audience was there for.
Jared threw him a towel which he caught sloppily and they both headed towards the roaring fire - nearly big enough to house a bonfire, with a towering stone chimney and real logs that crackled and hissed amongst the flames. The heat pumping out from it was molten and Jensen could almost feel his clothes drying on his skin, unfortunately he knew what was next - he remembered the lines all too well.
“We need to get out of these clothes before we freeze dude!” Jared delivered his lines with feeling.
Jensen agreed and started stripping down in a way he would never do were it just him and Jared, without thousands of fan girls watching from beyond. He was supposed to stare longingly at Jared’s chest, at his nipples pebbling in the cold but getting out of soaking wet jeans without falling spectacularly on his ass was quite enough of a challenge for him. Once out of his jeans he wrapped a towel round his waist so quick he was sure he heard a disgruntled noise, over the supposedly closed intercom.
When he actually looked around Jared was similarly clad in just a towel. Although Jensen had seen Jared like that numerous times before, he’d suddenly been uncomfortably aware of the expanse of Jared’s chest, the bulge of deltoids and biceps in arms and shoulder, the clearly delineated lines of veins rising above muscle and the treasure trail; dark and tempting. Jensen didn’t need to act when he swallowed hard, when he found himself taking more than a passing interest in the cabin and the twee, home sweet home sign above the fireplace.
“It doesn’t feel that cold,” said Jensen departing from the script and not caring much.
The intercom had cut in again voice strident and demanding and they had both nearly jumped out of their skins “Who’s in charge of heating? Get me their name now!”
Jensen rolled his eyes and Jared suggested they have the hot chocolate before the heating went off. Jensen wasn’t sure how they were going to turn off a log fire until a bucket of water fell down the chimney dosing the fire in one go and sending up clouds of steam and smoke that had them both coughing.
“Bitches!” said Jensen with feeling.
“Wanna have a little fun?” said Jared with a wicked gleam in his eye.
Jensen raised an eyebrow and Jared picked up what looked like Reddi-wip.
Jared leaned forward and whispered low into Jensen’s ear. Soft breath stirring all the sensitive hairs there “They want cream let’s give them cream.”
He drew back but only a little staring longingly into Jensen’s face “Wanted to do this for ages Jen..” his voice was deep, dark and sultry “..just you and me, a log cabin and a can of cream. The things I’m going to do to you….”
Jensen might have whimpered. Only for effect.
Jared took hold of his face with one huge palm and tilted it just so, the other hand drawing the aerosol can close to Jensen’s mouth. Jensen held his breath and Jared made two artistic flourishes.
“Always wondered what you looked like with a moustache!”
It sounded suspiciously like Vera was giggling in the background and Edith was humpfing.
Jensen remembered to laugh “Dork!” he said wrestling the can off Jared. He wasn’t as still as Jensen though, struggling to get free and Jensen’s attempt at a beard only succeeded in making Jared look like he’d been splattered with pie by an over enthusiastic clown. Jensen smeared it in for good measure while Jared squirmed and laughed and tried to return the favour. They ended up sticky and happy - the tension between them broken as they hunted around for something to clean themselves up with. Unsurprisingly there was nothing but the towels they were wearing. The tension came back with avengence.
Jensen could have sworn he heard an insidious whisper chanting “Lick it off, lick it off.” Although it could have just been his brain shorting out over the sight of Jared in just a very low slung towel. Instead he chose to use the wet shirt he’d discarded. Jared did the same whilst occasionally glancing guiltily at Jensen as if he could hear the same chant in his head.
“Should we…you know…snuggle under the blankets?” said Jared looking awkward and kind of vulnerable.
Jensen couldn’t stand it any longer. It was all too much. “Fuck this” he said striding forwards, grabbing Jared and with the benefit of momentum managing to slam Jared into the nearest wall. Before he could think about it he had his mouth on Jared’s and his body pressed full length against him.
“Mumpfh” said Jared
There was a roar in his ears like thousands of fan girls cheering.
Jensen kissed Jared. Jared kissed Jensen. It was really fucking hot. Well Jensen thought so and judging from the way Jared was chewing on Jensen’s lower lip like it was the tastiest gummy bear on the planet Jared thought so too. It was like that epithy thingie - a revelation. Though whether it was an epithy?..epicepithy?… revelation that Jared was a fabulous kisser or that Jensen might just be a little bit homo erectus for his best friend he wasn’t sure. What he was sure about was the kissing. More and now, pretty much summed it up.
Jared felt like a furnace in the rapidly cooling room. Jared’s naked chest pressed so close to his that he was sure Jared’s nipples were tattooing his skin. Jared was arching into him and Jensen was glad they were up against a wall because when Jared reached down and grabbed a handful of his ass Jensen’s legs nearly gave out. He licked up the side of Jared’s neck, tasting the remnants of the cream and latched on to the soft flesh of Jared’s earlobe. Jared gave a groan that went straight to Jensen’s dick and Jensen realised, without the benefit of the pesky epithy thing, that he was hard for his best friend and the greatest thing about it was it wasn’t really scary at all.
Jensen managed to get his hands on Jared’s biceps, he’d seen Jared do some spectacular things with his arms before (push ups, pull ups, weightlifting, stunts - not that Jensen had been watching or anything) and just spanning the hard, taut muscle with his palms was giving him ideas about what spectacular things Jared could do now. Jared nuzzled up into the juncture of shoulder and neck and said with what sounded like reluctance and an odd discordant tone in his voice “Jen, are we doing this for real? Or is this just for them?”
“For real” Jensen said with no hesitation “we might have to do this for them now, but as soon as we get home we’re doing this properly for us.”
“Really?” said Jared smile nearly splitting his face in two.
“Really.” said Jensen firmly and because it was entirely too long since he’d kissed Jared dived back in again.
After some minutes were the only sounds were those of wet sloppy kisses and the odd squee of delight from beyond. Jared drew back moist swollen lips and said with what amounted to a growl “Blankets.”
Jensen fuzzy and high from it all, took a moment to realise what Jared might actually want a blanket for and got with the programme.
Finding the blankets proved to be difficult, as neither of them wanted to let go of the other, or stop kissing each other, or groping each other. Then when they did find the blanket they both looked at it with disgust. It was very thin. It was very small.
Apparently even this was too much for the powers that be. There were concerned noises and a “Who the hell put a blanket in there!”
Jensen decided to go for it before someone came in and snatched the blanket off them. It was all very unromantic, squirming round on the polar skin rug, trying to get a blanket to cover their relevant bits, while removing towels - it was a bit too much like getting changed on the beach. It was embarrassing and awkward and Jensen was sure they ended up showing more skin by trying not to show skin than they would have if they’d just thought fuck it and had gone for it. They bumped arms and knees together, flapped the blanket around and banged their teeth awkwardly in an abortive attempt at kissing.
Luckily Jared, by accident rather than design pulled Jensen down with one huge hand at the back of Jensen’s neck, fingers thrusting up into the bristly hair just at the nape and Jensen, who had a thing about his neck, felt as if the on switch had been engaged on his libido and made a more determined attempt at kissing Jared. This time everything clicked. Kissing Jared horizontally was better even than kissing Jared vertically. Lying on top of Jared he could feel everything, the acres of hard muscle, the rapid thud of Jared’s heartbeat, the tremble of his stomach muscles when Jensen nipped him on the meaty flesh of his shoulder and the jerk of Jared’s cock against his abdomen. The squirming of before was replaced by a heated, rough slide and grind, pre-come leaking from Jensen’s cock and easing the friction. Jared grabbed a handful of Jensen’s ass bucking up into him with an “Oh fuck” that sounded so filthy that Jensen had to bite down hard on his own lip just to keep from coming.
He reached down to palm Jared’s cock, make him as crazy as he felt and the hot, hard length of it pulsing in his hand had him groaning out loud. “Jay…I’m not gonna last. We gotta…”
“Yeah” said Jared, eyes amphetamine bright.
“Yeah?” said Jensen unable to stop his hand fisting up and down the length of Jared’s cock.
“God yeah!”
“Ok…lube?”
He looked up and found, as if by magic, within arms reach just under the couch, a gift basket of charmingly arranged bottles of lube and condoms in various varieties and flavours.
“They think of everything, huh”
“What?”
“Nothin’”
Jensen grabbed the nearest bottle and packet and under Jared’s suddenly bashful gaze managed to get his cock covered and his fingers coated.
“You ok?”
A nod.
“Sure?”
“Just do it”
It felt weird, pushing his finger, then fingers up into Jared’s body. Jensen felt warm, not just from the flush of arousal but from the knowledge that Jared was trusting him. He was alarmingly tight and when he winced Jensen nearly stopped. But Jared demanded kisses and Jensen obliged, focusing on the slick union of their mouths soon had Jared relaxing enough to take more.
“Turn over.” requested Jensen voice only trembling a little bit.
“I can’t kiss you then.” moaned Jared
“I think it’ll be easier this way. Kiss you later, after, lots”
“’k”
The push inside the tight ring of muscle wasn’t easy. Jensen kept stopping; terrified that he was hurting Jared but the slow, incremental pauses helped ease the way. When he was finally inside all he could think was hot, tight. He couldn’t help but move; slow deep thrusts that had Jared’s ass bumping up against Jensen’s balls.
“Ok?” he managed to grunt out.
“Keep goin’”
Jensen wasn’t entirely sure it was supposed to work like this. Jared tense and silent, barely moving. He remembered Jared’s request for kisses and leaned forward to plant one just at the side of Jared’s jaw, something about the position helped him slide in deeper and Jared let out a long, shuddery breath.
“That’s it.”
“It?”
“Prostate!”
“Oh right prostate!”
“Do it again!”
Jensen obliged. Jared liked it. Jensen obliged again. Jared got demanding. Jared’s demanding voice got Jensen all hot and bothered. From then on in it was seriously wild ride with Jensen thrusting up and Jared thrusting back with more enthusiasm than co-ordination. Jensen managed to get hold of Jared’s cock, angling it just right so that Jared was fucking up into it, desperate for Jared to come, wanting to know what he sounded like, what he felt like. Jensen bit down hard into Jared’s shoulder, trying to distract himself from the heat and the bliss and urgent desire to come. Jared made a hard choked off sound and came spurting across Jensen’s hand. Jensen focused on just finishing him off but the dampness on his hand, the “Jen.” moaned out as Jared came and the vibrations of Jared’s body finished him off and he came explosively, heart virtually leaping out of his chest.
Several minutes later when Jensen could find the energy to actually move and try to shift off Jared he discovered that the blanket had slipped sometime during their performance.
“Fuckity, fuck, fuck” he groaned.
“Don’t worry man, it wouldn’t surprise me if they had a wind machine in here pointed at your ass.”
“I told you to hide it better than that” floated up from the ether.
***********************************************************************************************************************
When they finally emerged some hours later, after being given fresh clothes and pointed in the direction of the showers they found Edith, Vera and a very familiar face waiting for them.
“Hey guys” said Misha smirking.
“What are you doing here?" panicked Jensen.
“They rounded me up as a spare, thought that if you two couldn’t do the deed then maybe they could have some Dean/Castiel action.”
“No chance!” There was a growl in Jared’s voice and just for good measure he slung his arm round Jensen and smooshed him into his side. It was all very satisfying.
“So I hear,” there was a stupid grin on Mischa’s face “apparently you broke the slashometer.”
“The slashometer?” said Jensen.
“Yeah we use it to measure the heat output generated by the women viewing the porn.” said Vera “You broke it!”
“The first time ever.” said Edith happily “I think it was the whole we’re doing this properly when we get home thing. They’re all suckers for a happy ending. Anyhow we’ve now got enough power to see us through the next winter. So you’re free to go home, you too Mischa.”
“Oh I think I’ll stay around for a while, Vera mentioned she might pick up Mark Sheppard on her way back, get a head start on next years fuel supply” he winked lewdly.
“Edith, do us a favour” asked Jared “if there’s a statue can you make sure it’s not too revealing.”
“To be honest I don’t think there’s enough marble for your edifice…” she said staring pointedly at Jared’s crotch.
Jensen enjoyed seeing the blush spread right to the roots of Jared’s hair
“…but if we make one I’ll be sure to get the sculptor to include a blanket.”
Mischa sniggered.
“One more thing,” said Vera “Freda bring her out.”
From behind the staging area came a small women holding a lead attached to which was a tiny smudge of tan.
“As per our arrangement” said Edith smiling.
The poodle puppy frisked up to Jared as if it knew who’d saved her and began licking his shoe.
“The other dogs?”
“We’re passing a law tomorrow. No more fashion accessories.”
Jared beamed and scooped up the puppy that squirmed ecstatically in his arms. Jensen knew the feeling.
“You’ll need a name for her.” said Mischa
“Handbag!” said Jensen “No… I know…. Blanket!”
“I’m not Michael friggin’ Jackson!”
“ What about Margaret, kind of fits the names round here?”
Jared shook his head
“Martha? Gertrude?”
They ended up bickering about the pup’s name all the way across the city and half way home until Jensen decided enough was enough and kissed Jared senseless. It was very gratifying that Jared forgot all about dog’s names, names in particular and even most words. Instead being reduced to “Mfph” , “Mmmm” and “God yeah”
Which is how every Saturday morning Jensen was destined to call across the park “Sadie….here girl .Ick…..good boy…….Oh Wow!…come to Daddy”
He supposed it could have been worse, their dog could have been called “Jensen Ackles stop being a God damn cock tease and fuck me now.”
Giftee: waterofthemoon
Author: still_refrain
Genre: Crack
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Word count: 8,189
Summary: Jensen and Jared are captured by aliens, or is that fangirls from the future disguised as aliens. Did I mention is was crack?
Notes: My first J2 fic written for spn_j2_xmas2012 for waterofthemoonwho wanted aliens made them do it. I tried to squash in as many of her other likes as I could. Happy Christmas! I hope you enjoy it and you’ll forgive my gentle poke at fandom clichés. Many thanks to, my twin in all things porny, mysteriousaliwz or the beta. Any mistakes are mine alone.
When Jensen and Jared were captured by aliens Jensen wasn’t particularly worried at first. The whole thing had started off when they were grave digging. They were coming up to hiatus and the crew were in holiday mode and had been giving them shit all day. So when the flat, saucer like disc had hoved into view, above the tree line, Jensen thought it was some elaborate prank by special effects. They could make some pretty spectacular shit but the image looked flat as if it had been projected from behind the tree line.
“What the fuck?” shouted Dave, the episode’s director.
It was nice to know that him and Jared weren’t the only ones being pranked.
“Save yourself Jared,” said Jensen playing along as the projection had neared them, glowing aqua and blue lights swirling across it’s surface. It was really quite pretty - somebody had gone to a lot of trouble to make it - maybe they were angling for a pay rise, although judging from Dave’s expression it would be the opposite.
There were “ooh’s” and “ahh’s” from the camera crew who’d stopped to boggle at the thing. But then Mary from lighting screamed, a real blood curdling epic kind of scream, that would have had Kripke signing her up on the spot, and all hell broke lose.
Jared dropped his spade down the grave and starred open mouthed at the apparition - gullible fool.
Jensen gave the cameras his best horrified expression - he always thought of Jim Beaver in speedos, made it more realistic.
“Run, Jared, run I’ll save you!” he hammed it up good style.
These pranks always made the gag reel. It was only as the UFO hovered above them that Jensen began to feel a tiny niggle of doubt. It looked alarmingly 3D with a rapidly spinning underbelly and a radius of raised parallel lines around what looked scarily like a gapping mouth.
Jared gave him a short, sharp shove to get him moving and the pair of them started hurdling across the graves like Olympic athletes. Olympic athletes fortunately didn’t have to cope with statues, falling lighting rigs and ball breaking angelic crosses. Jensen went down like a ton of bricks. The UFO descended upon him. Jared looked back towards Jensen, panic in every line of his body. A blinding, light cut off his view of Jared, all he could hear was the anguished “Noooooooo…” and his last thought before he was swept up and away was “Oh fuck I’m really not in the mood for any anal probing”
*******************************************************************************************************************************
His eyes, wouldn’t focus, everything was just a blur of light but there was a voice up close, friendly and female “Don’t worry your eyes will adjust in a few minutes, the tractor beam technicians always make it too bright, like it won’t be really authentic if we don’t have a big, shiny light carving up the night sky.” The last was said with a hint of resentment. Jensen however, was more focused on the fact that the alien woman could speak English.
“Mr Padalecki” came another voice equally friendly and female “try not to move, until your eyes adjust”
Damn it all Jared was here as well
“Here, have a chair.”
This was downright surreal, first the aliens were multilingual, then they were offering up furniture for their convenience. Jensen felt himself being guided forward by something that felt suspiciously like a hand on his shoulder “You too Mr Ackles” his own hands connected with the back of something hard and chest height and he was given a small push into a seat.
Here he was, one of the first humans aboard an alien spacecraft and the aliens didn’t even have the decency to act like aliens. Not that he was complaining too much, it was a relief not to panic about being probed.
“Jay?” he asked “You alright” he could sense Jared beside him, the solid bulk of him radiating heat.
“Yeah I’m fine, eyes are a bit blurry. You?”
“Well apart from bruised balls and lasered eyeballs I’m good or as good as you can be when you’ve been abducted by aliens.”
“I’m sorry about that gentlemen” came the first voice again “When we’ve explained the reason why it was necessary you’ll be free to leave if you choose to.” As she spoke Jensen’s eyes began to adjust and he could make out a vaguely humanoid figure and some sort of bank of equipment behind her.
“But then we’ll have to go hijack Dylan and Tyler!” came a younger voice from his left
“I know you’re not a fan of Teen wolf Blanche but you will keep your opinions to yourself.”
“Sorry Ma’am.” came the voice resolving itself into the figure of a redheaded girl, smart in a navy uniform but looking as sulky as a girl can be.
“Blanche?” said Jared “That’s not a very alien name.”
“We’re not aliens as such, more like visitors from the future, we just use the saucer as a disguise, our normal ships are more like F16 fighters but if you’re going to abduct people you run into all sorts of problems if people think their own governments doing it.” The woman who was speaking was smaller than Blanche, equally as well turned out as Blanche and now that his eye sight was returning if he squinted he could see an ensignia what looked like the symbol for male that he remembered from biology lessons only doubled and conjoined. There was also her name.
“Mary Sue?”
“Ahhh. I see you’re eyesight’s returning” she said smiling “That’s the name of our ship. I’m Vera. The captain of the Mary Sue and head of our mission. These are my crew.” She said gesturing to a group of about ten women spread around what Jensen assumed was the flight deck.
“Well it’s reassuring to know that you’re not aliens and we’re not going to be probed any time soon.” said Jensen with a grin.
“That’s what he thinks,” said Blanche with a sneaky smile.
Vera gave her a look that would have scorched asbestos and she quickly turned around and started checking an instrument panel.
“Ignore Blanche she’s young and just been posted…..”
Jensen was still a bit perturbed by the probing reference but looking around the room at the crew he realised they looked no more scary than a group of fan girls and whilst they could be plenty scary, Jared was good at handling them. He either told them stories about Harley and Sadie until they melted into gooey puddles or he wiggled his ass at them and they melted into overheated gooey puddles. So no problem.
“…as I said these are my crew and they have all” she shot Blanche a stern look “been instructed to treat you with the utmost respect. Our journey will only be a short one but you will be afforded every comfort. Once we reach home we will discuss why it was necessary to abduct you and if you choose then to leave we will return you to your own time.”
Jensen guessed there were worse things in the world than being kidnapped by a multitude of hot women intent on catering to his every whim and sat back to enjoy the ride.
*************************************************************************************************************************
The deck looked like something out of star trek but as Vera had pointed out science fiction often paved the way to real technology, so he supposed it made sense. Like the Enterprise the deck had a wide screen that showed the approach to the futuristic city. Although not much detail could be made out as everything was covered in thick blankets and drifts of snow. Apparently the experts who’d predicted global warming had all been wrong and what they had to expect from the future was a new ice age. Jensen hated the cold, he felt like suing Al Gore for breach of promise. Instead he made a note to sell his shares in the swanky hotel in Bahamas and invest in ski jackets and heated toilet seats if he ever made it home.
He wasn’t at all sure if they would make it home. Not if Jared had anything to do with it. Once they’d reassured him of his safety Jared had bounced around the flight deck questioning the crew about every single bit of equipment, eyes wide as saucers and mouth making exclamations of delight and wonder. The crew were thrilled with his interest, grinning inanely at him and encouraging his easy flirting. Although they kept glancing over at Jensen every now again with apologetic glances as if Jared was his property. Jared of course was oblivious, happily in his element and thriving of the attention. Jensen was sure that he now had enough knowledge to fly the saucer home and to reduce the crew to the usual fan girlie puddles of goo.
“Hang on to your hats gentleman” announced Vera “we’re about to land.”
Obviously it was a figure of speech as the landing was as smooth as silk. The saucer hovering in to position and dropping softly onto a snowy landing strip beneath them. There were several minutes of checks as Vera turned off the ignition and then they all made their way to the coat racks were a vast array of huge parka jackets, hats, balaclavas, scarves, gloves, mittens, boots, snoods and goggles awaited them. Jensen thought it was overkill until he stepped out on to the windswept landing strip. It was colder than Vancouver…in January…..in a meat freezer.
Even Jared was momentarily taken aback “Fucking hell it’s cold” he exclaimed.
“This is summer,” said Blanche voice muffled by the layers of fur round her parka “it’s almost balmy.”
Jensen raised his eyebrows at that or he would have done if they hadn’t frozen solid.
Vera hustled them the short distance across the slippy,icy terrain to a small, dome shaped building.
“Most of our city is underground,” she explained “the domes are just the entrances. Everything we do we do below ground for the majority of the year. We grow our crops underground, keep our animals underground, basically we work, live and play underground.”
The dome was warm, light and welcoming and uniformed officers ushered them through to a changing room where they removed their outer layers of clothing. Then it was onwards to wide, tree lined boulevards resting beneath lights so bright it was almost like daylight. The lights obscured his view of the ceilings but they were high enough to accommodate the three storey buildings that bracketed the streets. They appeared to be walking through some sort of shopping district, with smart store fronts and small crowds of women flitting from shop to shop with expensive looking bags and ridiculously coiffured dogs sitting in the expensive looking bags. He felt Jared tense beside him. He knew well Jared’s opinions on dogs as fashion accessories. He slung an arm around Jared’s shoulder gave it a quick squeeze
“Let’s not offend the natives, not yet anyway”
Jared didn’t say anything but was so busy glaring at a woman carrying a sad looking, poodle puppy the exact same tan colour as her coat that he nearly bumped into a statue.
“Whoa!” said Jensen staring upwards and immediately regretting it because the statue was huge but also anatomically very detailed and Jensen was staring as the biggest cock he’d ever seen, even counting the epic monolith that was Jared unclothed. The statue looked classical, maybe Roman or Greek but was clearly not because the faces (if you could tear your eyes away from the bodies and the very compromising position they were in) were very familiar.
“Who knew Spock could look so animated?” said Jared
“I think even a rock would look animated if Kirk was doing that to them.”
They both tilted their heads sideways and lower as if to confirm what they were actually seeing
was real.
Vera caught their looks and smiled “You may have noticed that we’re a bit short of men around here….”
Jensen’s inner Dean perked up and began indulging in fantasies of big breasted, amazon women starved of male company and eager to fuck like bunnies in order to keep the human race going.
“…..so we tend to appreciate the male form, we’ve moved past the need for men biologically….”
The big breasts in Jensen’s vision deflated like balloons that had just been popped by the cruel and heartless pinprick of reality.
“…but we enjoy the aesthetic appeal of the male body.”
The word enjoy was emphasised enough that Jensen noticed Blanche smirk and quickly look away from them in a way that made Jensen very nervous.
When they rounded the next corner and saw the statue of Luke and Han (who knew you could do that with a light sabre!) Jensen’s nerves began to translate into suspicions.
By the time they saw Aragorn and Legolas frolicking in a bower of bronze and gold leaves that twined sinuously around the neighbouring lamp post and carpeted the pavement (the whole effect was very pretty if you liked that sort of thing) he could see Jared looking round for possible escape routes. Escape didn’t seem likely - not with their twenty woman escort, not with the snow outside and not with the small consideration that they weren’t even in their own time.
Basically they were fucked.
******************************************************************************************************************************
“No!” said Jensen and Jared in unison.
They were sitting in some sort of informal council chamber, with Vera and the lady mayor a particularly stunning brunette called Edith whose chain of office again featured the symbol that Vera wore on her uniform. It was all fitting together like some sort of horrifying jigsaw puzzle featuring knobbly bits that had nothing to do with the shape of the jigsaw pieces. Jensen’s knobbly bits were staying firmly in his jeans.
“Can I ask why not? You haven’t even heard our proposition yet.”
There was a glass of whisky in front of him but Jensen wasn’t about to let them ply him with alcohol. Oh no. Not that he’d give in anyway. Yeah so he was a bit of a slut when he was drunk but that didn’t mean he would give in to their heinous scheme; drunk or sober. Even if that did mean getting to see Jared “epic monolith” Padalecki naked.
“We saw enough of the statues.” said Jared firmly
“Did you see the one of Starsky and Hutch, that’s my favourite” said Edith dreamily “mind you the trouble we had erecting it…..”
“No,” said Jensen interrupting hastily “and we don’t want to either. We’re not gay and we won’t be posing for any statues.”
“Oh they weren’t gay either,” said Vera “just ordinary men prepared to give their all for the future of our city.”
Edith nodded her brown tresses bouncing with enthusiasm. “Real heroes willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.”
“They’ll be remembered and honoured forever…..”
Their fervour was getting downright scary
“You seem to have a different interpretation of heroes to us. Heroes are people who save kids from burning buildings, or face down armed robbers, or fight for their country, not get their kit off and cavort round in positions even the karma sutra would be afraid to go.” said Jensen
“You seem to have misunderstood us…”
“..or not listened in the first place” said Vera with a firmer voice.
“The statues are just to honour our heroes, we don’t want you to pose for them!”
“Oh thank Christ for that!” said Jensen finally taking a gulp of his whisky.
“No we want you to have sex.”
Jensen felt the forty percent proof burn out his lungs before it hurtled skywards rocketing out of his mouth towards Jared.
He knew he wasn’t hearing things because Jared looked as if someone had slapped him across the face with a wet fish, enhanced with a garnish of whisky sodden saliva.
Before Jensen could even think of articulating his shock, Edith carried on regardless as if she’s asked them to have a cup of coffee together.
“You see the thing is the whole city, our lights, our transport, our manufacturing and most importantly our heat are all powered by one energy source. Oil, natural gas, coal - they’ve all ran out, we can’t use solar because of the low natural light levels that our winters generate.” She gestured to a landscape painting across from them; bleak, snowy and darkly dismal. “A century ago, by a pure fluke one scientist discovered that you could tap into the energy generated by slash. The heat generated by women reading quality porn can power a city. Unfortunately in the last decades our winters have become harsher and something more was needed.”
“Let me guess…” said Jared who was obviously made of sturdier stuff than Jensen because he could actually form words rather than having his brain tripping over the huge, pink, neon warning signs in Jensen’s head flashing “DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! DON’T THINK ABOUT JARED! DON’T THINK ABOUT SEX WITH JARED! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IMAGINE JARED’S NAKED BODY WRITHING ON TOP OF YOUR NAKED BODY!” and as a postscript in smaller luminous green “Also you might want to clean up the whisky that you’ve sprayed all over Jared’s chest. His firm, muscular chest, that’s showing just a hint of nipple through his now wet shirt. WHICH YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT!”
“…….you wanted the live version. Spock and Kirk, Han Solo and Luke..”
“Exactly,” said Edith sporting a winning smile “Every season we go back in time and recruit couples. We explain our circumstances and they volunteer to help us power our city. Without that power our city would be doomed.” She gave Jensen a pointed look “The temperatures outside are -20. We couldn’t grow our crops, couldn’t maintain our body heat. It would only be a matter of time.”
“I like the word volunteer,” said Jensen “It implies that we have a choice. I believe Vera said that we were free to leave any time we wanted.”
“You’re refusing us!” said Edith frowning.
“Damn straight, we are!” said Jensen looking over to Jared for back up.
Jared however was looking thoughtful. Jensen felt his heart begin a slow descent to his stomach.
“Has anyone refused before?” Jared asked.
“No,” said Edith “Some have understandably taken their time to come to a decision but once they were aware of the life and death nature of the decision they all agreed to help.”
“Surely you could ask for other volunteers?”
“Well if you turn us down the next on the list is Harry and Draco...”
“Hang on,” said Jensen “They’re just kids…you can’t….”
“….or Dylan and Tyler.”
“I think they might generate more heat anyway.” said Vera with a sly grin “They have so much more chemistry.”
“More chemistry than us!” said Jensen affronted.
“Well they have that whole bromance going off screen as well.”
“And we don’t!”
“Jen, let’s not get into a pissing competition here..” said Jared all reason.
“The pride of Supernatural is at stake here,” said Jensen “There is no way they’re hotter than us.”
“So we’re not having sex to save thousands of people, were having sex because your ego can’t cope with the competition?” asked Jared.
“No not at all,” said Jensen suddenly realising he’d backed himself into a corner. “I’m just here to help the hot women.”
Jared turned to Edith “Well it looks like you got Jensen to agree, I however have one condition…”
************************************************************************************************************************
Their room looked like one of the set motel rooms, presumably in order to make them feel more comfortable. Like the set; research papers were strewn across the table but unlike filming it wasn’t Jared sifting through them it was Jensen. Jared was sprawled across the bed seemingly oblivious to Jensen’s plight.
“This is the fourth one I’ve read that says my eyes were blown wide “only the hint of jade green rimming inky, black pupils, dark with want.” Don’t they realise people only look like that when they’ve had major cranial trauma. I’m sure I’d look very fuckin’ sexy with half my brains hanging out.”
“So pick another one,” said Jared.
“Half of them involve me crying over Free Willy and you consoling me with your dick up my ass.”
“Yeah well you’ve always been good at crying on cue.”
“You cannot be serious?”
“It’s called acting Jen.” said Jared sitting up and propping himself against the ugly brown velvet headboard.
“I don’t mind acting the part of Dean and whilst I do mind getting royally screwed I’m prepared to do it for the greater good but acting like a girl no way man.”
Jared sighed “What about the one were the sex pollen makes us fuck. That seemed pretty straightforward to me. We get it done and dusted quickly, no long build up for the nerves to start getting the better of us. Plus you’d rock the sexy botanist look.”
Jensen gave him a doubtful look.
“You would! You look friggin’ hot in glasses.”
“Jay we might have to screw each other senseless for the future of humanity but there’s no need to act like it’s real.”
Jared blinked; eyes darting away from Jensen’s looking almost hurt.
“Last time I pay you a compliment. Anyway, sex pollen.”
“It’s not bad. It’s just I can’t get into it. She keeps talking about your bum. It puts me off I keep imagining a smelly old hobo stuck to your backside….”
Jared laughed.
“And your ass needs no adornment.” the last was added with a leer just because he felt bad about Jared’s hurt look.
“Not real Jen.” said Jared grinning and Jensen felt a happy little warmth settle in his chest relieved that they were back on track.
“Are we confusing reality with porn or porn with reality” said Jensen.
“At least Mischa’s not here, otherwise we might have the pizza delivery boy scenario!”
“Don’t! Could you imagine - they’d be planning threesomes. I’m having enough trouble wrapping my head round it as it is.” said Jensen.
“I think your problem is that you’re focusing on the small stuff instead of the bigger picture. Tommorow we’re going to have to act out one of these scenarios in front of an audience and we’re going to have to fuck.”
“Gee, I feel a whole lot better now!” said Jensen scrubbing his eyes with the base of his palms as if he could scrub the problem out of his head.
Jared got up from the bed moving round towards him.
“God this is so fucked up.”
Jared went to sling a consoling arm around him and Jensen startled backwards nearly tripping over the box of props on the floor.
“Fuck.”
Jared frowned and reeled him into a hug anyway, as if big arms could squeeze the tension out of him. Jensen just went with it knowing better than to fight it, his face smushed into Jared’s solid shoulder, the warm scent of Jared’s cologne familiar and comforting. They held on for a few seconds Jensen thinking that he had to get used to it, get used to more intimacy but with Jared wrapped around him it was like all his worries were muffled, like he could almost do this.
Jared stepped back drawing his hands up to Jensen’s biceps squeezing them tight and echoing Jensen’s thoughts. His face was close and purposeful.
“We can do this Jen. You and me. We’ve done shitty things before and we’ve come out the other end stronger. Imagine if it was someone else. At least it’s us. I trust you man.” Jared’s eyes were warm and sincere, convincing almost “I wanna be the one,” there was a pause “I want you to fuck me.”
Jensen looked up at him eyes wide and questioning, unable to voice his thoughts.
Jared’s hands had stopped squeezing just resting across Jensen’s arms as if reluctant to let go.
“I’m sure. It’ll be easier for you. You can imagine I’m some hot blonde or something…”
Jensen pulled himself together enough to say “Dude you’re gonna need some serious waxing done to pass for a girl!”
He could feel the relief loosen Jared’s grip on his arms, his hands sliding reluctantly to his sides.
“Those gender swap fics they gave us? You think they can make that happen?” Jared was biting at his lip. Jensen tried not to notice that it was swollen, pink and moist.
“Oh no way man!”
“It’s just it might be easier for you. They’ve got time travel and fan girl generated heat they might be..”
“No, no and no again,” exclaimed Jensen sure his face was a mask of horror “you’re not doing that for me. I’ll be fine.”
“It wouldn’t freak you out as much. It’d be more natural.” said Jared seemingly determined to convince Jensen despite his obvious nerves.
“There’s nothing natural about your balls shrivelling up, your cock falling off and suddenly developing a fetish for sucking thoughtfully at your pen!”
“My pen?”
“Yeah apparently you gnawing the end of a sharpie whilst fluttering your newly elongated eyelashes is supposed to convince me that you give amazing head. But what guy wants to compare his cock to a pen, even a jumbo crayon’s not gonna hack it….maybe if you were wrapping your lips round a banana?” Jensen stopped as he realised that he might just have gone a bit too far and that he now had a vision in his head of a blonde, bimbo Jared, waxed to satin smoothness and mouthing enthusiastically at a banana. It was disturbingly hot.
“Focusing on the small stuff again Jen!” snapped Jared
“Well you’re not doing it. I appreciate the offer, I really do but I’m gonna put on my big boy pants….or take them off…whatever……man up ……or is that gay up…..whatever…..and fuck you properly.”
Jared’s eyes boggled.
“Maybe that didn’t come out properly?”
“No that sounds like you came out just fine!”
“God!” groaned Jensen.
“No, it’s ok. We’re doing this and you’re being positive and proactive. So lets get this shit sorted now. Scenario? What about the old getting drunk gem - might take the edge off a bit.”
“According to these fics we can drink an entire bar dry and still manage to screw each other in seventy six different positions before we’ve even developed a hangover. I like my drink but I can’t see straight after a couple of Buds….”
Jared’s face twisted in sudden realisation.
“You’re remembering that pool game at Eric’s aren’t you?”
“Ok you are so not drinking!”
“I slipped, it was an accident.”
“You nearly took the waitresses eye out!”
“Unfair, anyway I’m not likely to poke your eye out…you’re lucky these stories aren’t accurate
According to one I was hung like a baboon on viagra that had got it’s cock stuck in the hoover on shagpile mode….and as for you!”
Jared cleared his throat and looked shifty.
“Thank Christ I’m the one whose toppping!” said Jensen
“Dude it’s about the only thing we have decided. We need to choose.” said Jared firmly.
“Ok, ok you wanna go for the self lubricating anus fic or the I’m going to die of a lust spell if you don’t screw me through the wall fic?”
********************************************************************************************************************************
“That’s why we don’t advise people to look,” said Edith patiently. Jensen wanted to ram the I told you so down her throat or he would have done if he hadn’t been hyperventilating into a brown paper bag. The image he’d accidentally seen on the monitor swam in his head again, thousands of women all being hooked up with electrodes to some bizarre, energy channelling device.
Vera gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze “You know the room’s soundproofed right? And the cameras aren’t even obvious. It’ll just feel like you and Jared.”
Jared was knelt down before him, sitting on his heels; big hands resting for balance on Jensen’s knees his eyes earnest and compassionate.
Taking a pause from inflating the paper bag Jensen said “Yeah but now I know they’re all there, thousands of women, all judging my first gay performance. It’s like dancing with the stars…only worse.”
“Think positive Jen, at least there’s no lycra, or sequins.” Jared said confidently although he glanced up at Vera still resting a reassuring hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
“No, not if you don’t want them” she said hastily.
“That’s a damn shame,” said Edith sighing wistfully “Bono and The Edge really embraced the ballroom dancing theme. Star crossed lovers meeting under the spangly lights of the glitter-ball. Admittedly the all in one jump suits were a bit of a hindrance but Bono really suited the feather boa…”
“Not helping here!” said Vera.
“Don’t, please don’t,” said Jensen grimacing at the mental images “Next you’ll be telling me AC/DC and Iron maiden were at it.”
“Well…” said Edith a smirk creasing her pretty, pink lips.
Jared squeezed Jensen’s knee “Hey if Brian Johnson and Bruce Dickinson can take one for the team so can we. Come on Jen. We can do it.”
“Ok, ok,” said Jensen releasing the paper bag and squaring his shoulders having been convinced more by Jared’s earnest expression than his winning argument “let’s do this.”
Edith and Vera both sighed simultaneously in relief and urged them on into the room of doom.
In the end Jensen and Jared had both agreed on a surprisingly charming RPS fic (the whole thing was difficult enough without having to act like Dean and deal with the whole incest thing) where they were trapped in a cabin and had to snuggle for warmth, with the snuggling leading to other things. Jensen having read the story had noticed that there were lots of blankets involved and had jumped at the chance of hiding under the covers.
The women urged them through the door with jaunty expressions of “Good luck” and “Break a leg” Jensen didn’t want to think too much about the last one. Knowing them they had a little hurt/comfort fic lying around that involved some sort of kinky use for plaster of Paris and a lot of sexual athletics. They found themselves in a non-descript corridor, the door firmly locked behind them.
“So much for free will.” moaned Jensen as Jared opened another door, before he was able to get a look at the room beyond, a freezing cold curtain of what seemed to be snow, ice and slush soaked them from above.
Jensen never knew Jared knew so many curse words. Shivering with cold and really fucking angry Jensen was all for cancelling the whole thing. Especially when the halfhearted apology came crackling across an intercom from Edith “Sorry about that gentlemen but we’re aiming for realism here…”
“Says the woman who suggested we role-played gay vampire bikers on ice,” snapped Jared in an uncharacteristically pissy voice.
“…..there’s some lovely, warm, fluffy towels and a roaring fire inside.” urged Edith.
“Just the kind of realistic touches that you’d find in an abandoned cabin in the middle of a blizzard.”
said Jensen.
“Don’t say that!” said Jared “They’ll take them off us.”
There was a muffling sound as if someone had tried to cover the microphone and then a lower voice “You think the hot chocolate was overkill?”
Another voice equally muffled replied “Nah, just think of the aerosol cream, gotta have the cream.”
Now that he’d recovered from the shock Jensen could see that there were indeed steaming cups of hot chocolate resting on a table inside the pseudo abandoned cabin, although it was more a case of a cabin abandoned by really rich bastards. The whole place reeked of luxury from the thick shag pile rugs that looked like they’d been taken straight from the back of a polar bear to the huge, modern art abstracts in rustic colours hanging on the walls. Out of the window Jensen could see a blizzard blowing (he wasn’t sure whether it was a special effect or the real thing) and between the flurries of snow he was sure he could see a hot tub.
The intercom came back on properly this time and it was Vera instead “Look I’m really sorry, just think of it as a reminder of how cold our winters get and how much we really need you to do this.”
Jared grunted something affirmative already having moved into the room and Jensen followed seeking out the promised towels because he really was freezing. The intercom went off with a echoing ping that sounded final and Jared found the towels over on the sofa - neatly folded, big and fluffy.
“I can’t believe we found this place,” said Jared looking around at his surroundings with curiosity.
Jensen was a little less convincing when he said “I know man, I thought we were gonna die out there.” He didn't feel particularly bothered about delivering a stellar performance, after all it wasn't what the audience was there for.
Jared threw him a towel which he caught sloppily and they both headed towards the roaring fire - nearly big enough to house a bonfire, with a towering stone chimney and real logs that crackled and hissed amongst the flames. The heat pumping out from it was molten and Jensen could almost feel his clothes drying on his skin, unfortunately he knew what was next - he remembered the lines all too well.
“We need to get out of these clothes before we freeze dude!” Jared delivered his lines with feeling.
Jensen agreed and started stripping down in a way he would never do were it just him and Jared, without thousands of fan girls watching from beyond. He was supposed to stare longingly at Jared’s chest, at his nipples pebbling in the cold but getting out of soaking wet jeans without falling spectacularly on his ass was quite enough of a challenge for him. Once out of his jeans he wrapped a towel round his waist so quick he was sure he heard a disgruntled noise, over the supposedly closed intercom.
When he actually looked around Jared was similarly clad in just a towel. Although Jensen had seen Jared like that numerous times before, he’d suddenly been uncomfortably aware of the expanse of Jared’s chest, the bulge of deltoids and biceps in arms and shoulder, the clearly delineated lines of veins rising above muscle and the treasure trail; dark and tempting. Jensen didn’t need to act when he swallowed hard, when he found himself taking more than a passing interest in the cabin and the twee, home sweet home sign above the fireplace.
“It doesn’t feel that cold,” said Jensen departing from the script and not caring much.
The intercom had cut in again voice strident and demanding and they had both nearly jumped out of their skins “Who’s in charge of heating? Get me their name now!”
Jensen rolled his eyes and Jared suggested they have the hot chocolate before the heating went off. Jensen wasn’t sure how they were going to turn off a log fire until a bucket of water fell down the chimney dosing the fire in one go and sending up clouds of steam and smoke that had them both coughing.
“Bitches!” said Jensen with feeling.
“Wanna have a little fun?” said Jared with a wicked gleam in his eye.
Jensen raised an eyebrow and Jared picked up what looked like Reddi-wip.
Jared leaned forward and whispered low into Jensen’s ear. Soft breath stirring all the sensitive hairs there “They want cream let’s give them cream.”
He drew back but only a little staring longingly into Jensen’s face “Wanted to do this for ages Jen..” his voice was deep, dark and sultry “..just you and me, a log cabin and a can of cream. The things I’m going to do to you….”
Jensen might have whimpered. Only for effect.
Jared took hold of his face with one huge palm and tilted it just so, the other hand drawing the aerosol can close to Jensen’s mouth. Jensen held his breath and Jared made two artistic flourishes.
“Always wondered what you looked like with a moustache!”
It sounded suspiciously like Vera was giggling in the background and Edith was humpfing.
Jensen remembered to laugh “Dork!” he said wrestling the can off Jared. He wasn’t as still as Jensen though, struggling to get free and Jensen’s attempt at a beard only succeeded in making Jared look like he’d been splattered with pie by an over enthusiastic clown. Jensen smeared it in for good measure while Jared squirmed and laughed and tried to return the favour. They ended up sticky and happy - the tension between them broken as they hunted around for something to clean themselves up with. Unsurprisingly there was nothing but the towels they were wearing. The tension came back with avengence.
Jensen could have sworn he heard an insidious whisper chanting “Lick it off, lick it off.” Although it could have just been his brain shorting out over the sight of Jared in just a very low slung towel. Instead he chose to use the wet shirt he’d discarded. Jared did the same whilst occasionally glancing guiltily at Jensen as if he could hear the same chant in his head.
“Should we…you know…snuggle under the blankets?” said Jared looking awkward and kind of vulnerable.
Jensen couldn’t stand it any longer. It was all too much. “Fuck this” he said striding forwards, grabbing Jared and with the benefit of momentum managing to slam Jared into the nearest wall. Before he could think about it he had his mouth on Jared’s and his body pressed full length against him.
“Mumpfh” said Jared
There was a roar in his ears like thousands of fan girls cheering.
Jensen kissed Jared. Jared kissed Jensen. It was really fucking hot. Well Jensen thought so and judging from the way Jared was chewing on Jensen’s lower lip like it was the tastiest gummy bear on the planet Jared thought so too. It was like that epithy thingie - a revelation. Though whether it was an epithy?..epicepithy?… revelation that Jared was a fabulous kisser or that Jensen might just be a little bit homo erectus for his best friend he wasn’t sure. What he was sure about was the kissing. More and now, pretty much summed it up.
Jared felt like a furnace in the rapidly cooling room. Jared’s naked chest pressed so close to his that he was sure Jared’s nipples were tattooing his skin. Jared was arching into him and Jensen was glad they were up against a wall because when Jared reached down and grabbed a handful of his ass Jensen’s legs nearly gave out. He licked up the side of Jared’s neck, tasting the remnants of the cream and latched on to the soft flesh of Jared’s earlobe. Jared gave a groan that went straight to Jensen’s dick and Jensen realised, without the benefit of the pesky epithy thing, that he was hard for his best friend and the greatest thing about it was it wasn’t really scary at all.
Jensen managed to get his hands on Jared’s biceps, he’d seen Jared do some spectacular things with his arms before (push ups, pull ups, weightlifting, stunts - not that Jensen had been watching or anything) and just spanning the hard, taut muscle with his palms was giving him ideas about what spectacular things Jared could do now. Jared nuzzled up into the juncture of shoulder and neck and said with what sounded like reluctance and an odd discordant tone in his voice “Jen, are we doing this for real? Or is this just for them?”
“For real” Jensen said with no hesitation “we might have to do this for them now, but as soon as we get home we’re doing this properly for us.”
“Really?” said Jared smile nearly splitting his face in two.
“Really.” said Jensen firmly and because it was entirely too long since he’d kissed Jared dived back in again.
After some minutes were the only sounds were those of wet sloppy kisses and the odd squee of delight from beyond. Jared drew back moist swollen lips and said with what amounted to a growl “Blankets.”
Jensen fuzzy and high from it all, took a moment to realise what Jared might actually want a blanket for and got with the programme.
Finding the blankets proved to be difficult, as neither of them wanted to let go of the other, or stop kissing each other, or groping each other. Then when they did find the blanket they both looked at it with disgust. It was very thin. It was very small.
Apparently even this was too much for the powers that be. There were concerned noises and a “Who the hell put a blanket in there!”
Jensen decided to go for it before someone came in and snatched the blanket off them. It was all very unromantic, squirming round on the polar skin rug, trying to get a blanket to cover their relevant bits, while removing towels - it was a bit too much like getting changed on the beach. It was embarrassing and awkward and Jensen was sure they ended up showing more skin by trying not to show skin than they would have if they’d just thought fuck it and had gone for it. They bumped arms and knees together, flapped the blanket around and banged their teeth awkwardly in an abortive attempt at kissing.
Luckily Jared, by accident rather than design pulled Jensen down with one huge hand at the back of Jensen’s neck, fingers thrusting up into the bristly hair just at the nape and Jensen, who had a thing about his neck, felt as if the on switch had been engaged on his libido and made a more determined attempt at kissing Jared. This time everything clicked. Kissing Jared horizontally was better even than kissing Jared vertically. Lying on top of Jared he could feel everything, the acres of hard muscle, the rapid thud of Jared’s heartbeat, the tremble of his stomach muscles when Jensen nipped him on the meaty flesh of his shoulder and the jerk of Jared’s cock against his abdomen. The squirming of before was replaced by a heated, rough slide and grind, pre-come leaking from Jensen’s cock and easing the friction. Jared grabbed a handful of Jensen’s ass bucking up into him with an “Oh fuck” that sounded so filthy that Jensen had to bite down hard on his own lip just to keep from coming.
He reached down to palm Jared’s cock, make him as crazy as he felt and the hot, hard length of it pulsing in his hand had him groaning out loud. “Jay…I’m not gonna last. We gotta…”
“Yeah” said Jared, eyes amphetamine bright.
“Yeah?” said Jensen unable to stop his hand fisting up and down the length of Jared’s cock.
“God yeah!”
“Ok…lube?”
He looked up and found, as if by magic, within arms reach just under the couch, a gift basket of charmingly arranged bottles of lube and condoms in various varieties and flavours.
“They think of everything, huh”
“What?”
“Nothin’”
Jensen grabbed the nearest bottle and packet and under Jared’s suddenly bashful gaze managed to get his cock covered and his fingers coated.
“You ok?”
A nod.
“Sure?”
“Just do it”
It felt weird, pushing his finger, then fingers up into Jared’s body. Jensen felt warm, not just from the flush of arousal but from the knowledge that Jared was trusting him. He was alarmingly tight and when he winced Jensen nearly stopped. But Jared demanded kisses and Jensen obliged, focusing on the slick union of their mouths soon had Jared relaxing enough to take more.
“Turn over.” requested Jensen voice only trembling a little bit.
“I can’t kiss you then.” moaned Jared
“I think it’ll be easier this way. Kiss you later, after, lots”
“’k”
The push inside the tight ring of muscle wasn’t easy. Jensen kept stopping; terrified that he was hurting Jared but the slow, incremental pauses helped ease the way. When he was finally inside all he could think was hot, tight. He couldn’t help but move; slow deep thrusts that had Jared’s ass bumping up against Jensen’s balls.
“Ok?” he managed to grunt out.
“Keep goin’”
Jensen wasn’t entirely sure it was supposed to work like this. Jared tense and silent, barely moving. He remembered Jared’s request for kisses and leaned forward to plant one just at the side of Jared’s jaw, something about the position helped him slide in deeper and Jared let out a long, shuddery breath.
“That’s it.”
“It?”
“Prostate!”
“Oh right prostate!”
“Do it again!”
Jensen obliged. Jared liked it. Jensen obliged again. Jared got demanding. Jared’s demanding voice got Jensen all hot and bothered. From then on in it was seriously wild ride with Jensen thrusting up and Jared thrusting back with more enthusiasm than co-ordination. Jensen managed to get hold of Jared’s cock, angling it just right so that Jared was fucking up into it, desperate for Jared to come, wanting to know what he sounded like, what he felt like. Jensen bit down hard into Jared’s shoulder, trying to distract himself from the heat and the bliss and urgent desire to come. Jared made a hard choked off sound and came spurting across Jensen’s hand. Jensen focused on just finishing him off but the dampness on his hand, the “Jen.” moaned out as Jared came and the vibrations of Jared’s body finished him off and he came explosively, heart virtually leaping out of his chest.
Several minutes later when Jensen could find the energy to actually move and try to shift off Jared he discovered that the blanket had slipped sometime during their performance.
“Fuckity, fuck, fuck” he groaned.
“Don’t worry man, it wouldn’t surprise me if they had a wind machine in here pointed at your ass.”
“I told you to hide it better than that” floated up from the ether.
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When they finally emerged some hours later, after being given fresh clothes and pointed in the direction of the showers they found Edith, Vera and a very familiar face waiting for them.
“Hey guys” said Misha smirking.
“What are you doing here?" panicked Jensen.
“They rounded me up as a spare, thought that if you two couldn’t do the deed then maybe they could have some Dean/Castiel action.”
“No chance!” There was a growl in Jared’s voice and just for good measure he slung his arm round Jensen and smooshed him into his side. It was all very satisfying.
“So I hear,” there was a stupid grin on Mischa’s face “apparently you broke the slashometer.”
“The slashometer?” said Jensen.
“Yeah we use it to measure the heat output generated by the women viewing the porn.” said Vera “You broke it!”
“The first time ever.” said Edith happily “I think it was the whole we’re doing this properly when we get home thing. They’re all suckers for a happy ending. Anyhow we’ve now got enough power to see us through the next winter. So you’re free to go home, you too Mischa.”
“Oh I think I’ll stay around for a while, Vera mentioned she might pick up Mark Sheppard on her way back, get a head start on next years fuel supply” he winked lewdly.
“Edith, do us a favour” asked Jared “if there’s a statue can you make sure it’s not too revealing.”
“To be honest I don’t think there’s enough marble for your edifice…” she said staring pointedly at Jared’s crotch.
Jensen enjoyed seeing the blush spread right to the roots of Jared’s hair
“…but if we make one I’ll be sure to get the sculptor to include a blanket.”
Mischa sniggered.
“One more thing,” said Vera “Freda bring her out.”
From behind the staging area came a small women holding a lead attached to which was a tiny smudge of tan.
“As per our arrangement” said Edith smiling.
The poodle puppy frisked up to Jared as if it knew who’d saved her and began licking his shoe.
“The other dogs?”
“We’re passing a law tomorrow. No more fashion accessories.”
Jared beamed and scooped up the puppy that squirmed ecstatically in his arms. Jensen knew the feeling.
“You’ll need a name for her.” said Mischa
“Handbag!” said Jensen “No… I know…. Blanket!”
“I’m not Michael friggin’ Jackson!”
“ What about Margaret, kind of fits the names round here?”
Jared shook his head
“Martha? Gertrude?”
They ended up bickering about the pup’s name all the way across the city and half way home until Jensen decided enough was enough and kissed Jared senseless. It was very gratifying that Jared forgot all about dog’s names, names in particular and even most words. Instead being reduced to “Mfph” , “Mmmm” and “God yeah”
Which is how every Saturday morning Jensen was destined to call across the park “Sadie….here girl .Ick…..good boy…….Oh Wow!…come to Daddy”
He supposed it could have been worse, their dog could have been called “Jensen Ackles stop being a God damn cock tease and fuck me now.”