Rage Against the [People Who Don't Know How to Use the] Machine[s]
It's a real red-letter day for idiots here on the Gulf coast. Let's address these morons one by one, shall we? Good.
To the [expletive-that-rhymes-with-runt] woman behind me who nearly rammed her busted TransAm (couldn't find an IROC-Z?) into my trucklet (my name for my little gas-guzzler) on the Bayou Chico Bridge this morning because she HAD to get into the right lane before I did, despite that I'd signaled for a few seconds to indicate that I was moving to the right lane, and that she didn't signal at all (bulb burn out during the first Bush Administration, lady?): Next time, please drive OFF the bridge entirely and remove yourself, and your shitty car, from our presence.
To the asshole who, despite having no clear mobility issues and being at least ambulatory, took the elevator up one flight to the 2nd floor: Get thy fat, lazy ass to the stairwell and climb it, you bulbous bastard. You could stand to lose a pound or two anyway. (Please note that this same command applies to those slothful and selfish schmucks who spend upwards of 3 minutes hovering (what anyone who's ever played tag would've called "babysitting" back on the elementary school playground) waiting for a person to finish unloading their car and pull out of their spot in the parking lot, despite that there is a vacant parking spot exactly 2 spots away, a mere 7 extra steps from Wal-Mart....: Is it really worth the time-saver of parking 2 spaces closer when you spend 5 minutes waiting for that spot? Or do you think you could draw a moment's inspiration from, oh, say, Jared from Subway, and get off your ass and FUCKING WALK THE EXTRA 10 FEET?! I know it requires you to expend a little extra energy, and maybe even to put down your Big Gulp, but I'm trying to get past you, you lazy, traffic congestion-causing shit!!!)
To the able-bodied shitstain who took the elevator DOWN from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor lobby: Just die already. (Note: A good way to facilitate this might be to enter the stairwell at the 2nd floor landing, and throw yourself down the stairs to the lobby -- two birds, one stone.)
To the lady who didn't flush the deuce this morning: I just threw up in my mouth a little.
To Shell Oil: $3.1 billion in PROFIT and you didn't gouge prices? Kiss my ass, oil man. I'll walk the 73 miles to work every morning before I gas up at Shell again.
To the banking industry: Thanks. A lot. Now you're skimping on college loans? Good call -- God forbid people break the cycle of ignorance and head-up-ass financial planning and actually get an education that may lead to a well-paying job in what promises to be an otherwise arid job market....
To the homeowners who bought too much house and failed to realize that their ARM would increase dramatically in a short time: It is nobody's fault but yours and yours alone. Sure, the banks were unscrupulous, and should be held accountable for their part of predatory lending, but here's the thing: You had a choice, for starters. Nobody forces you to play "cups" with that guy outside Penn Station; you gambled of your own volition and lost. Also, you had to sign a CONTRACT. A lot of papers, in fact. Lots of information; we call those "words." If your stupid ass failed to read the fine print, and was too cheap to hire a real estate attorney to explain to you, Barney-style, anything you didn't understand on your own, then you deserve everything your greedy ass gets. Bailing YOUR ass out is nobody's responsibility; hell, I didn't force you to sign away on a $400,000 mortgage with a $390 monthly payment -- you're the one who failed math, buddy, not me (ok, except that one semester...). The hell if I'm gonna pick up the pieces of your greed and stupidity. I'll be passing you on my way into the grocery store in a few months, and no, I will not give you my loose change. Prick.
And please, when you get evicted and are forced to move into the projects, take the stairs for anything 2 flights or less. Flush your toilet. And for God's sake, if they don't repossess your car, use your fucking signal and don't you DARE cut me off.
Thank you.
To the [expletive-that-rhymes-with-runt] woman behind me who nearly rammed her busted TransAm (couldn't find an IROC-Z?) into my trucklet (my name for my little gas-guzzler) on the Bayou Chico Bridge this morning because she HAD to get into the right lane before I did, despite that I'd signaled for a few seconds to indicate that I was moving to the right lane, and that she didn't signal at all (bulb burn out during the first Bush Administration, lady?): Next time, please drive OFF the bridge entirely and remove yourself, and your shitty car, from our presence.
To the asshole who, despite having no clear mobility issues and being at least ambulatory, took the elevator up one flight to the 2nd floor: Get thy fat, lazy ass to the stairwell and climb it, you bulbous bastard. You could stand to lose a pound or two anyway. (Please note that this same command applies to those slothful and selfish schmucks who spend upwards of 3 minutes hovering (what anyone who's ever played tag would've called "babysitting" back on the elementary school playground) waiting for a person to finish unloading their car and pull out of their spot in the parking lot, despite that there is a vacant parking spot exactly 2 spots away, a mere 7 extra steps from Wal-Mart....: Is it really worth the time-saver of parking 2 spaces closer when you spend 5 minutes waiting for that spot? Or do you think you could draw a moment's inspiration from, oh, say, Jared from Subway, and get off your ass and FUCKING WALK THE EXTRA 10 FEET?! I know it requires you to expend a little extra energy, and maybe even to put down your Big Gulp, but I'm trying to get past you, you lazy, traffic congestion-causing shit!!!)
To the able-bodied shitstain who took the elevator DOWN from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor lobby: Just die already. (Note: A good way to facilitate this might be to enter the stairwell at the 2nd floor landing, and throw yourself down the stairs to the lobby -- two birds, one stone.)
To the lady who didn't flush the deuce this morning: I just threw up in my mouth a little.
To Shell Oil: $3.1 billion in PROFIT and you didn't gouge prices? Kiss my ass, oil man. I'll walk the 73 miles to work every morning before I gas up at Shell again.
To the banking industry: Thanks. A lot. Now you're skimping on college loans? Good call -- God forbid people break the cycle of ignorance and head-up-ass financial planning and actually get an education that may lead to a well-paying job in what promises to be an otherwise arid job market....
To the homeowners who bought too much house and failed to realize that their ARM would increase dramatically in a short time: It is nobody's fault but yours and yours alone. Sure, the banks were unscrupulous, and should be held accountable for their part of predatory lending, but here's the thing: You had a choice, for starters. Nobody forces you to play "cups" with that guy outside Penn Station; you gambled of your own volition and lost. Also, you had to sign a CONTRACT. A lot of papers, in fact. Lots of information; we call those "words." If your stupid ass failed to read the fine print, and was too cheap to hire a real estate attorney to explain to you, Barney-style, anything you didn't understand on your own, then you deserve everything your greedy ass gets. Bailing YOUR ass out is nobody's responsibility; hell, I didn't force you to sign away on a $400,000 mortgage with a $390 monthly payment -- you're the one who failed math, buddy, not me (ok, except that one semester...). The hell if I'm gonna pick up the pieces of your greed and stupidity. I'll be passing you on my way into the grocery store in a few months, and no, I will not give you my loose change. Prick.
And please, when you get evicted and are forced to move into the projects, take the stairs for anything 2 flights or less. Flush your toilet. And for God's sake, if they don't repossess your car, use your fucking signal and don't you DARE cut me off.
Thank you.