why worry?
so life has been pretty good lately. but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its problems. but fortunately (or unfortunately) i think most of those problems are within myself. i should have no reason to worry about katie. but i do. i worry that i am more into this than she is. i worry that i want too much too soon or that i am moving too fast. i worry that i am too much like nick, her last boyfriend, who she basically just lost interest in. i am worried that that will happen to me. that she will just one day not be interested in me anymore.
i think i worry too much. nothing has been said by her or any of her friends that suggests i need to worry. it might be true that i like her more than she likes me, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still really like me. i think the biggest reason i worry is because she does not show a lot of affection, especially in public. for someone as insecure as i am, that is something i really want, and pretty much need to feel confident. but shes not that way, so its a little more difficult for me, especially this early into a relationship after not being in one for 6 years. i think those 6 years of failure and frustration have made me a little paranoid. hopefully this will go away with time.
yesterday was a good example of this. we, along with lauren, linda, jezcy, and jace went to disneyland. in the past, whenever i have been at disneyland, or a place like it, and have seen couples together holding hands as they walk through the park, or while waiting in line, i have said to myself, "man i really want that." well yesterday i had the girl, but still didn't really get that, at least not as much as i would have liked. we held hands from time to time, more so as the day progressed, but not as much as i would have liked. and what i don't know is if thats because shes not that comfortable with pda, or if she doesn't like me enough, or whether those are one and the same.
another thing that took away from how much fun i could have had yesterday was this goal i had of kissing her before the day was over. we haven't kissed yet, and i want to make our first kiss romantic and special, since i am a silly hopeless romantic. but i never really had an opportunity that felt right. there was a chance on the Matterhorn, but i didn't take it. but whatever. after talking to lauren during the day, i decided that the day would not be a failure if i did not kiss her, so it became less of a goal, though i was still hoping it would happen.
so despite all this internal drama, i still had a lot of fun yesterday. and life is still very good. but i am not used to it, and i worry. i just hope that i am worry too much.
i think i worry too much. nothing has been said by her or any of her friends that suggests i need to worry. it might be true that i like her more than she likes me, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still really like me. i think the biggest reason i worry is because she does not show a lot of affection, especially in public. for someone as insecure as i am, that is something i really want, and pretty much need to feel confident. but shes not that way, so its a little more difficult for me, especially this early into a relationship after not being in one for 6 years. i think those 6 years of failure and frustration have made me a little paranoid. hopefully this will go away with time.
yesterday was a good example of this. we, along with lauren, linda, jezcy, and jace went to disneyland. in the past, whenever i have been at disneyland, or a place like it, and have seen couples together holding hands as they walk through the park, or while waiting in line, i have said to myself, "man i really want that." well yesterday i had the girl, but still didn't really get that, at least not as much as i would have liked. we held hands from time to time, more so as the day progressed, but not as much as i would have liked. and what i don't know is if thats because shes not that comfortable with pda, or if she doesn't like me enough, or whether those are one and the same.
another thing that took away from how much fun i could have had yesterday was this goal i had of kissing her before the day was over. we haven't kissed yet, and i want to make our first kiss romantic and special, since i am a silly hopeless romantic. but i never really had an opportunity that felt right. there was a chance on the Matterhorn, but i didn't take it. but whatever. after talking to lauren during the day, i decided that the day would not be a failure if i did not kiss her, so it became less of a goal, though i was still hoping it would happen.
so despite all this internal drama, i still had a lot of fun yesterday. and life is still very good. but i am not used to it, and i worry. i just hope that i am worry too much.