A Grammarless Venting Session
I have an ongoing list of things I want to accomplish. I will write them down to hold myself accountable. It's ongoing.
Lately, I've finally been grasping it all and I feel like I'm getting to be myself again. I have some issues to work on (I carry guilt about EVERYTHING...long story, but it's only a new thing). But trying new things and being comfortable around people that are more like people on my side of the country...it has helped me tremendously. Belly dancing, yoga, having heart to hearts with friends and new people in parking lots even...all have helped me as of late.
Today I decided I need to start school again ASAP and stop waiting until I have some huge stash of cash...otherwise it will NEVER happen. I will use loans (responsibly) if I have to. I have a plan in place to get started ASAP. But I NEED to finish school and get my bachelor's degree...for self worth, for the world to take me, and just for satisfaction. It's been looming over my head forever. I've been killing myself in my head battling over what to major in...anything I love is "useless" to the world, but you know what? I'm not going to spend $25,000 to $30,000 over the course of my education to get a degree in someething I hate that I probably will be miserable in and have no interest in learning about. No, I do NOT want to major in business, finance, anything math related. I don't want to become an appraiser. Why won't the world stop telling me to consider it just because I work at a bank? I like to learn, but I don't want a career in it. I'd rather study something I LOVE that will at least be of educational and intellectual satisfaction to me. Therefore, I decided to keep a Spanish major. I will not double major with International Studies for right now...we will see what happens. But I WILL minor in it, and I'd like to learn French and minor in that as well. I love languages. I don't care what I will "do" with it...no one uses their degrees, anyway. I'd rather love it and be passionate with it. There are many possibilities. If I go year round it will probably take me about two years to finish...graduating in December of 2010. That's with the lightest loads possible. From there, I'll think about what to focus my Masters on. I believe that even at 25 years old, I have not had enough life experiences to get a taste of all the possible things I could fall in love with and want to do for the rest of my life. Most people have something like 12-17 jobs before they settle into their career. I'm not worried. I'll be okay and blessed as long as I do the right things.
I need to stop freaking out about what everyone tells me. I respect concerns, but I need to really think about what I want to do and how I make myself feel. This is about me. I am very compassionate for others and want to help all I can. I just want emotional encouragement in return, not a load of "what ifs". I do that to myself enough.
I'm tired of the culture here, but my job is great and NO, I will not be quitting it to finish school, so stop asking me if I am keeping my job. I would be stupid to give up a job that pays me around $17 an hour. And I get three weeks paid vacation a year, twelve sick days a year, ten paid federal holidays a year, benefits that leave something to be desired but at least I have them. I have a 401k and a HSA, and will be setting up a UESP (529 account). I would be crazy to leave it all, especially in this economy. Yes, I just stated my salary, oh well. I need to see it myself. I will be saving my money so I can pay off most of any loans I may take out. I still have $8,000 in student loans, which is pretty good considering I've only made minimum payments (auto pay) and started around $13,000 a few years back.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for being me. I like to go out dancing. I like to celebrate a friend's birthday even if she goes out to a bar. Doesn't mean I have to drink. It means I'm her friend and I want to spend the time with her. I'm tired of feeling sacreligious for having friends of different faiths and humoring their lifestyles. It doesn't mean I have the same lifestyle...it means I love human beings. If I need something on a Sunday, I admittedly run to the grocery store to buy it. I am not bothered by this. However, here I seem to always feel the need to apologize for myself over and over again. But the truth is, it is not something that I feel is threatening to my eternal life. I was raised a certain way and I refuse to all of a sudden feel like those habits or traditions make me a black sheep or a person that needs to get her head on straight. It is who I am. I love my family beyond belief, and that is what is important to me. God will not damn me for going to brunch with a friend that needs to vent on a Sunday morning. He won't frown on me for wanting to dance naked in the rain. I don't need to be in a bubble and be easily offended to be a person of my religion and faith. I have NEVER had an issue with these feelings until I moved here (not blaming Utah, or the church or anything...it just happened this way, though I believe people are contributing factors). I was so content when I was home...in my personality. I was innocent, I was carefree, I had my standards, and I never felt awkward. Now, if I'm watching an R-rated movie, or even a PG movie...and two characters start making out, I feel like I have to turn the scene. And not because I feel awkward...but because I feel like I am SUPPOSED to feel awkward. That's just not me. I'm not an awkward person...not when I'm myself and not when I love myself. I just need to relearn to love myself again.
Then who am I? I'm many things. Too many to list. Many will be regurgitated in various entries to come, I'm sure. Lately, lyrics have been feeding my soul. Daydreams of rainy places win my heart. Images of being fit and outdoors and completely au natural just make me swoon. I tried yoga and I love it...it really clears my mind. Belly dancings allows me to be the extremely sensual person I am without feeling like I have to feel like a dirty, raw, used whore. It's expression and I feel beautiful when I dance. I hope to someday get the hang of guitar...I feel like my soul is just waiting to be strummed away and crooned to the world. Fear holds me back. I fear loans, I fear not being perfect (I took a language test online today and my Spanish skills have significantly went backwards). I fear the world's judgement of my being fat. If I would let go of this fear, I would become better, have clarity in my life, and naturally become happier and healthier. I don't know what I'm afraid of, really. I just want it all to work out. And still be able to give back to my parents everything they've given me. I want to help them in their lives, too. They've given me so much. They deserve so much more.
Do I want to date? Sure, I'd love to be asked out. But if you don't care to know me, to know my passions, don't bother. If the first week is full of you asking where I work and if I finished school, let's not talk. I want deep conversation. I want real hearts. I want people to be open and to let their hearts show. I want them to feel the relief of loving others and letting others love them. I want to wrap my hands around your soul and feel your every drop of being. I want you to look in my eyes and see my heart. I want someone that doesn't think it's creepy that one of my life-list items it to visit a nudist colony someday. And I want them to love that I love baroque and gothic era cultures. When I travel to other countries, I plan to sip a sangria with the locals at their meal if that's what they do. And I'm not bothered by it. I never used to feel guilty for these things, but this past year the guilt for just being myself has eaten me whole. And then I feel frustrated because people don't know the real me, and I'm afraid once they get to know me they'll think I'm weird or like I need to read certain scriptures again to get the picture. The thing is, I LOVE my faith, and I still practice it. I mold all these things together. This isn't some "new" revelation...this is how I've always been. I'm just tired of hiding it because I want my friends that share my faith to approve of me or not think I'm going astray. I'm not! I've had these loves and this personality since I can ever remember. And I can still have my faith and mesh it together. This stress and burden I carry from it is too great to carry anymore. That's why this is all spewing out. I used to always, ALWAYS feel loved by Heavenly Father, even when I messed up or did something stupid. I always felt his forgiveness very easily, too. Now, just thinking about how much I love "Mother Earth" makes me feel guilty...like "what if someone thinks I'm putting another god before God?"...that's ridiculous for me to even worry about. It's not an issue! But I feel guilty and nowadays I feel like God in my life - the way I am supposed to view God - is the God of the OLD Testament...fire and brimstone. I always think "oh my gosh, what if the Second Coming is tomorrow morning? I'm screwed!" Or I think that God will make something happen, like because I do something that a person here might think is unholy (run to the store on a Sunday)...that because I "sinned" that God will make Christ come so I'm screwed over and can't be in His presence ever again. Isn't it sick how my mind works nowadays? See all the stress and guilt that can put on a person? I don't know where it came from, but I'm just trying to be myself again and I get all these crappy feelings instead.
Time for me now. To take care of myself. To accomplish things. To not walk on eggshells. My life will be significantly shorter from strange health and anxiety and stress issues if I don't help myself. I'm a real human with true, raw feelings. I hate this whole put-on-a-show culture. It's not me. Time to be me.
I'm really not some crazy psychotic schizo, I promise. I just have a lot built up and it's shooting out like steam from a sewer. But this is who I am. It's really what I think. What I feel. I hope you can still see me for who I am. Mesh all the pieces together. I'm a beautiful puzzle, I promise.
Lately, I've finally been grasping it all and I feel like I'm getting to be myself again. I have some issues to work on (I carry guilt about EVERYTHING...long story, but it's only a new thing). But trying new things and being comfortable around people that are more like people on my side of the country...it has helped me tremendously. Belly dancing, yoga, having heart to hearts with friends and new people in parking lots even...all have helped me as of late.
Today I decided I need to start school again ASAP and stop waiting until I have some huge stash of cash...otherwise it will NEVER happen. I will use loans (responsibly) if I have to. I have a plan in place to get started ASAP. But I NEED to finish school and get my bachelor's degree...for self worth, for the world to take me, and just for satisfaction. It's been looming over my head forever. I've been killing myself in my head battling over what to major in...anything I love is "useless" to the world, but you know what? I'm not going to spend $25,000 to $30,000 over the course of my education to get a degree in someething I hate that I probably will be miserable in and have no interest in learning about. No, I do NOT want to major in business, finance, anything math related. I don't want to become an appraiser. Why won't the world stop telling me to consider it just because I work at a bank? I like to learn, but I don't want a career in it. I'd rather study something I LOVE that will at least be of educational and intellectual satisfaction to me. Therefore, I decided to keep a Spanish major. I will not double major with International Studies for right now...we will see what happens. But I WILL minor in it, and I'd like to learn French and minor in that as well. I love languages. I don't care what I will "do" with it...no one uses their degrees, anyway. I'd rather love it and be passionate with it. There are many possibilities. If I go year round it will probably take me about two years to finish...graduating in December of 2010. That's with the lightest loads possible. From there, I'll think about what to focus my Masters on. I believe that even at 25 years old, I have not had enough life experiences to get a taste of all the possible things I could fall in love with and want to do for the rest of my life. Most people have something like 12-17 jobs before they settle into their career. I'm not worried. I'll be okay and blessed as long as I do the right things.
I need to stop freaking out about what everyone tells me. I respect concerns, but I need to really think about what I want to do and how I make myself feel. This is about me. I am very compassionate for others and want to help all I can. I just want emotional encouragement in return, not a load of "what ifs". I do that to myself enough.
I'm tired of the culture here, but my job is great and NO, I will not be quitting it to finish school, so stop asking me if I am keeping my job. I would be stupid to give up a job that pays me around $17 an hour. And I get three weeks paid vacation a year, twelve sick days a year, ten paid federal holidays a year, benefits that leave something to be desired but at least I have them. I have a 401k and a HSA, and will be setting up a UESP (529 account). I would be crazy to leave it all, especially in this economy. Yes, I just stated my salary, oh well. I need to see it myself. I will be saving my money so I can pay off most of any loans I may take out. I still have $8,000 in student loans, which is pretty good considering I've only made minimum payments (auto pay) and started around $13,000 a few years back.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for being me. I like to go out dancing. I like to celebrate a friend's birthday even if she goes out to a bar. Doesn't mean I have to drink. It means I'm her friend and I want to spend the time with her. I'm tired of feeling sacreligious for having friends of different faiths and humoring their lifestyles. It doesn't mean I have the same lifestyle...it means I love human beings. If I need something on a Sunday, I admittedly run to the grocery store to buy it. I am not bothered by this. However, here I seem to always feel the need to apologize for myself over and over again. But the truth is, it is not something that I feel is threatening to my eternal life. I was raised a certain way and I refuse to all of a sudden feel like those habits or traditions make me a black sheep or a person that needs to get her head on straight. It is who I am. I love my family beyond belief, and that is what is important to me. God will not damn me for going to brunch with a friend that needs to vent on a Sunday morning. He won't frown on me for wanting to dance naked in the rain. I don't need to be in a bubble and be easily offended to be a person of my religion and faith. I have NEVER had an issue with these feelings until I moved here (not blaming Utah, or the church or anything...it just happened this way, though I believe people are contributing factors). I was so content when I was home...in my personality. I was innocent, I was carefree, I had my standards, and I never felt awkward. Now, if I'm watching an R-rated movie, or even a PG movie...and two characters start making out, I feel like I have to turn the scene. And not because I feel awkward...but because I feel like I am SUPPOSED to feel awkward. That's just not me. I'm not an awkward person...not when I'm myself and not when I love myself. I just need to relearn to love myself again.
Then who am I? I'm many things. Too many to list. Many will be regurgitated in various entries to come, I'm sure. Lately, lyrics have been feeding my soul. Daydreams of rainy places win my heart. Images of being fit and outdoors and completely au natural just make me swoon. I tried yoga and I love it...it really clears my mind. Belly dancings allows me to be the extremely sensual person I am without feeling like I have to feel like a dirty, raw, used whore. It's expression and I feel beautiful when I dance. I hope to someday get the hang of guitar...I feel like my soul is just waiting to be strummed away and crooned to the world. Fear holds me back. I fear loans, I fear not being perfect (I took a language test online today and my Spanish skills have significantly went backwards). I fear the world's judgement of my being fat. If I would let go of this fear, I would become better, have clarity in my life, and naturally become happier and healthier. I don't know what I'm afraid of, really. I just want it all to work out. And still be able to give back to my parents everything they've given me. I want to help them in their lives, too. They've given me so much. They deserve so much more.
Do I want to date? Sure, I'd love to be asked out. But if you don't care to know me, to know my passions, don't bother. If the first week is full of you asking where I work and if I finished school, let's not talk. I want deep conversation. I want real hearts. I want people to be open and to let their hearts show. I want them to feel the relief of loving others and letting others love them. I want to wrap my hands around your soul and feel your every drop of being. I want you to look in my eyes and see my heart. I want someone that doesn't think it's creepy that one of my life-list items it to visit a nudist colony someday. And I want them to love that I love baroque and gothic era cultures. When I travel to other countries, I plan to sip a sangria with the locals at their meal if that's what they do. And I'm not bothered by it. I never used to feel guilty for these things, but this past year the guilt for just being myself has eaten me whole. And then I feel frustrated because people don't know the real me, and I'm afraid once they get to know me they'll think I'm weird or like I need to read certain scriptures again to get the picture. The thing is, I LOVE my faith, and I still practice it. I mold all these things together. This isn't some "new" revelation...this is how I've always been. I'm just tired of hiding it because I want my friends that share my faith to approve of me or not think I'm going astray. I'm not! I've had these loves and this personality since I can ever remember. And I can still have my faith and mesh it together. This stress and burden I carry from it is too great to carry anymore. That's why this is all spewing out. I used to always, ALWAYS feel loved by Heavenly Father, even when I messed up or did something stupid. I always felt his forgiveness very easily, too. Now, just thinking about how much I love "Mother Earth" makes me feel guilty...like "what if someone thinks I'm putting another god before God?"...that's ridiculous for me to even worry about. It's not an issue! But I feel guilty and nowadays I feel like God in my life - the way I am supposed to view God - is the God of the OLD Testament...fire and brimstone. I always think "oh my gosh, what if the Second Coming is tomorrow morning? I'm screwed!" Or I think that God will make something happen, like because I do something that a person here might think is unholy (run to the store on a Sunday)...that because I "sinned" that God will make Christ come so I'm screwed over and can't be in His presence ever again. Isn't it sick how my mind works nowadays? See all the stress and guilt that can put on a person? I don't know where it came from, but I'm just trying to be myself again and I get all these crappy feelings instead.
Time for me now. To take care of myself. To accomplish things. To not walk on eggshells. My life will be significantly shorter from strange health and anxiety and stress issues if I don't help myself. I'm a real human with true, raw feelings. I hate this whole put-on-a-show culture. It's not me. Time to be me.
I'm really not some crazy psychotic schizo, I promise. I just have a lot built up and it's shooting out like steam from a sewer. But this is who I am. It's really what I think. What I feel. I hope you can still see me for who I am. Mesh all the pieces together. I'm a beautiful puzzle, I promise.