The last time

[stewpatty]

The last time I posted to my journal was July 4th or so.  I told myself that I would be more devoted to my journal since I do like to write.  Writing allows me to express all my emotions without being interrupted.  Without the 140 character limit on Twitter.  Without someone judging my feelings on the phone.  Without someone asking me "What's wrong

Comments

[stewpatty]

Lara,

Thanks-I had to change it because it needed changing. My parents force me to do stuff all the time although they live with me now. It's okay because I think if they weren't here I wouldn't be here.

Like you (we're birds of the same opposite feather) I've been with depression since I was about 14. I'd joke and say that I had my mid life crisis early. I think the "mid life crisis" is ongoing. There's no such "cure" for depression. Once it set in with me, it was here (or is it "it is") to stay.

Medication: On the right track. I was given Paxil about 10 years ago. I had 20 then up'd to 30 then up to 40 and then back down. I'm now at 40mg. When the possibility of upping my medication came across, my primary care physician said I'd have to go to the shrink. I've had shrinks in my life.

1. Dr. Schussler. I hated him. At 14 I had a nervous breakdown. Literally. Remember in New Moon, Bella would scream from her dreams? I didn't scream from dreams. I wasn't asleep. I just cried and screamed from the inner depths of my soul. So Dr. Schussler was "ASSigned" to my case. ASSked me if I contemplated suicide. I replied in the affirmative. Said, "Aren't you Catholic?" I again replied in the affirmative. Told me I would go to hell if I did kill myself. Thanks for schooling me in catechism, Mr. Jewish Doctor. Nothing against Jewish people in general--I wouldn't dare, as a Catholic try to tell a Jewish person their own laws!!! I still despise him. Apparently he's not on the high list of psychiatrists.

2. Dr. Kelt. After I left the hospital from the nervous breakdown, I was sent to a day hospital. Dr. Kelt was my psychiatrist. He was pretty decent. He reminded me of that doctor from the film, "Howard the Duck". Wanted to release me but the day hospital wanted to keep me in longer. My parents and I refused. They (the day hospital) released me not for AMA or against AMA instructions. I found a lot of solace in my parish and that helped greatly.

3. Dr. Irish. That's not his real name. I can't remember what his name was. Very nice man. Talked to me about having OCD. Bonafide OCD person here. Helped me with getting Paxil at the dose needed at the time.

4. Non psychiatric Dr. Woodland. Like her. She's my PCP. She initially prescribed Paxil for me. Told me that I'd have to go up the doctor chain if I had to have more than 40mg. I don't want that. I may have to, if I learn to resolve my animosity towards quacks.

Weight is an issue between the two of us. Has your peeps "explained" why we want to avoid relationships? I'm curious as to what the "northerners" think.

Oregano didn't leave me in a bad state. He really didn't. There wasn't any fighting because I refused to fight, in fact, I refused to tell him anything. That lead to our demise. But he was so judgmental that I learned quickly not to say anything. Everything was "It's fine!" to him. If it's not about me, I can talk about it with him (to a point), but if it's about me, I'm a clam.

As far as smoking, drugs, drinking-you and me both. I don't do any. I thought of taking up daiquiris because they looked good but I can't afford another addiction other than Rob and Kristen. :)

Thank you so much Lara for not telling me to hang in there. I detest it too. But even more so, thank you for telling me that I'm not alone because I feel very much alone.