The last time
The last time I posted to my journal was July 4th or so. I told myself that I would be more devoted to my journal since I do like to write. Writing allows me to express all my emotions without being interrupted. Without the 140 character limit on Twitter. Without someone judging my feelings on the phone. Without someone asking me "What's wrong?" Without the popularity contest on Facebook. I do love facebook for the apps. I'm thisclose to deactivating my account but I don't. Why? Not sure.
Lots of things going on right now. All I want to do is sleep and cry. My stress level is so off the charts. Yes, I take medication. Should I up it? Probably. I'd have to go to psychiatrist to do that. I detest psychiatrists. The only doctor I like is my regular physician. She told me that I would have to see a shrink.
I told my friend that I think I may have depression. I know there is no might in having something. You either have it or not. I told my friend the reason I said, "might" is that I don't want to face that possibility.
Let's look at facts: Symptoms of depression
Why do I have depression? It's a medical condition. I think I may be destined to suffer through mental issues. I thought, "perhaps ifts because I'm overweight and therefore if I were thin, I wouldn't feel bad". Shocking news: thin people also suffer through depression.
One would think that since I have an RP life should be happy. Nope. Turns out my RP has an issue with my weight. I should just dump him huh? Easy way out. Well, I have an issue him blocking himself and making a wall. Life again could be easier if I'd just lose the weight. Seriously.
I've thought about lap band. I think I'll do that. For me. I've been told (whatever) this exact thing: "You are so pretty, but you'd be prettier if you lost the weight". Maybe I do have the weight on intentionally. Maybe I don't want someone after me because then that'd make my life more complicated. Why? Not sure. I know that when my friend who likes to flirt with me changed his shirt (yes, he had on a t-shirt) I did not look. I did not want to see, and felt a little uncomfortable. It wasn't sexual harrassment. I don't think.
I am just using this post to "talk it out"--there's no need to send me messages or comment. It'll make me feel more guilty than I already feel.
Lots of things going on right now. All I want to do is sleep and cry. My stress level is so off the charts. Yes, I take medication. Should I up it? Probably. I'd have to go to psychiatrist to do that. I detest psychiatrists. The only doctor I like is my regular physician. She told me that I would have to see a shrink.
I told my friend that I think I may have depression. I know there is no might in having something. You either have it or not. I told my friend the reason I said, "might" is that I don't want to face that possibility.
Let's look at facts: Symptoms of depression
- difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions (no. I remember TOO many details)
- fatigue and decreased energy (yes, I am fatigued)
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness (yes, worthlessness and helplessness, especially at work)
- feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism (yes, pessimism)
- insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping (wake up in middle of night, slept 3.5 hours today)
- irritability, restlessness (yes, irritability has given way to worthlessness)
- loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex (the possibility of closing both twitter and facebook, which gave me joy in reading. I REFUSE to give up LiveJournal or RobandKris)
- overeating or appetite loss (yes, I see it)
- persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment (yes, headaches, soreness, my monthly visitor came super early this month)
- persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings (yes, pretty much)
- thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts (I'm too scared to die, but I have thought it'd be better if my existence was gone--don't worry, I won't try it. Seriously, I won't).
Why do I have depression? It's a medical condition. I think I may be destined to suffer through mental issues. I thought, "perhaps ifts because I'm overweight and therefore if I were thin, I wouldn't feel bad". Shocking news: thin people also suffer through depression.
One would think that since I have an RP life should be happy. Nope. Turns out my RP has an issue with my weight. I should just dump him huh? Easy way out. Well, I have an issue him blocking himself and making a wall. Life again could be easier if I'd just lose the weight. Seriously.
I've thought about lap band. I think I'll do that. For me. I've been told (whatever) this exact thing: "You are so pretty, but you'd be prettier if you lost the weight". Maybe I do have the weight on intentionally. Maybe I don't want someone after me because then that'd make my life more complicated. Why? Not sure. I know that when my friend who likes to flirt with me changed his shirt (yes, he had on a t-shirt) I did not look. I did not want to see, and felt a little uncomfortable. It wasn't sexual harrassment. I don't think.
I am just using this post to "talk it out"--there's no need to send me messages or comment. It'll make me feel more guilty than I already feel.