we all want what we cant have
as soon as we get what we want we expect more. why do we expect good feelings to last. i sometimes wonder about the people that dont even bother with things anymore, with people, with meeting them and just stay by themselves a lot. If you incorrporate people into your life, you're bound to be let down, you're bound to get hurt and for something to be taken away. only certain relationships end up in happiness no matter what bad things happen inbetween. i guess those people are your best friends or the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. as im looking at my major, i could lean myself in the direction of getting out of here in two years and i question the relationships ive made. i question how and why i made them. i remember when i came here i was pretty lost. i was hanging out with people i didnt really want to hang out with and doing things just because i wanted to fit in somewhere. i told lies and acted fake, well as fake as i could. i was in a relationship so i wasnt meeting any boys, and the ones i did meet didnt have the kind of intentions i could handle. in looking at my schedule, it seems as if ill be in arkansas for awhile, and im scared. why didnt i get out of here when i could. i had the scholorship in my hand and it served as my ticket out. i wonder if i would have done as well. it would have been 10 times the lonliness but it may have ended up better. i may have had to try more and get through more, which would have made me stronger. i guess i would have rushed if i had gone there, well maybe.
im losing this confident woman inside me. well i dont know if i ever found here. its as if im comfortable with myself, but not confident. i still cant hold a room so well or tell people no when i want to say no, or say yes when i want to say yes. i still rather not talk to many people and i notice im having a harder and harder time keeping up with a conversation. ive always said that though. ive had too many people tell me that i would make a great boy. but i cant change my gender, and well i love penis. and gay guys dont have any fun anyway.. well in my opinion. i want to sit on a porch and smoke and drink beers. i want to dress in funny clothing and do stupid things. i want to have memories of stupid drinking stories and that time that we skated down a skateboard on our backs. i still feel like i have to be ladylike to people because i need girlfriends. i have freaked out about this many o times. i miss juliette at times. i miss her gutsyness and how she'd do stupid things. she is a freakishly entertaining girl. paige is as well, but juliette could have more fun. paige could but i cant bring her around certain people. she passes judgesments on others easily. she knows the kind of person she wants to be around and if those people dont fit her standards, then you're probably not going to see her again. juliettes the kind of girl that you could get drunk with by yourselves and not feel awkward. just yeah, i miss her. im glad ill always have a place with her, like ill always have a place to go.
im losing this confident woman inside me. well i dont know if i ever found here. its as if im comfortable with myself, but not confident. i still cant hold a room so well or tell people no when i want to say no, or say yes when i want to say yes. i still rather not talk to many people and i notice im having a harder and harder time keeping up with a conversation. ive always said that though. ive had too many people tell me that i would make a great boy. but i cant change my gender, and well i love penis. and gay guys dont have any fun anyway.. well in my opinion. i want to sit on a porch and smoke and drink beers. i want to dress in funny clothing and do stupid things. i want to have memories of stupid drinking stories and that time that we skated down a skateboard on our backs. i still feel like i have to be ladylike to people because i need girlfriends. i have freaked out about this many o times. i miss juliette at times. i miss her gutsyness and how she'd do stupid things. she is a freakishly entertaining girl. paige is as well, but juliette could have more fun. paige could but i cant bring her around certain people. she passes judgesments on others easily. she knows the kind of person she wants to be around and if those people dont fit her standards, then you're probably not going to see her again. juliettes the kind of girl that you could get drunk with by yourselves and not feel awkward. just yeah, i miss her. im glad ill always have a place with her, like ill always have a place to go.