peace like two fingers
a slow weekend but a good one. i sat by a lake for hours just taking it in. we talked a lot but while i was doing it i was thinking too but definitely stopped myself when i caught myself doing it. what did i have to worry about right then? everythings on hold. i looked and noticed why sarah wants to live there because its so fucking carefree. no laws, no regulations, swimsuits and beer, no worries about social acceptability. anyone who wears make up on our camping trip gets ignored. no make up. we always have to meet weird people but it makes stories.
well now the rambling. i was speaking with paige last night and we were talking about the next couple weekends. everyone will be gone next weekend, the next the parentals are coming. i told her my parents were coming and we were going canoeing.
"man yall are the fucking brady bunch." -paige
"yeah i guess. both my sisters are good kids who are geniouses and are responsible. i think im the younger one that the parents never really knows whats going on with"
"no one ever knows whats going on with you stevie"
i laughed that comment off because it made me feel kind of mysterious, but i thought about it from about conway to russelleville. that seems to be a comment that has been made a lot this year. my good friends here think that im just really carefree and i dont worry about much. paige can get it out of me because she can tell what makes me upset and then i unleash these worries stored away in the back of my head. i just figure people dont want to hear about this. she said there was apparantly a lot more than anyone knew about and asks why i dont talk to them about it. i dont want to talk about my problems with kevin, or my friend here or there because i just get embarrased. my little rock friends ask me about it all the time and they have occasionally thought i was slipping away into the dark territory of fraternities, drinking, and sex or that i just changed into this sorority girl. i have to reassure them im ok and that i havent changed as much as they think. but i have, i really have. but i adapt to situations and get used to how things are and how i have to act. even if i had no one i would eventually get used to it and be happy because of other things, probably smaller things. my parents dont really keep track of my life. they still pay my bills and help me in anyway possible, but when i went home on sunday, i was trying to talk to my dad and couldnt think of anything to say. when we have family get togethers, my dad and my grandpa buzz barely talk and i always wonder how they can never have anything to talk about because shit, they're father and son, they should have a lot in common. but when i was trying to talk to him, i felt so out of his life. i wanted to ask what hes been up to lately, but i know the answer is what it has always been... working and playing some golf. i wonder if our long talks about life are over. we used to talk to me about everything, especially how boys are bad and a little bit to drink is ok. "don't quit". "just everything in moderation". now when i come home its me putting on a show to show them that im doing ok and that im keeping my head on straight about school and everything.
why are we so influenced by those we have relationships with? i suppose it is to make them happy and are happy to have them accept us, like we have to keep up with them. im worried about you. im worried about you're lifestyle changing because of the person you're with just like mine did. you think i would have smoked as much as i hadn't of been with tim? it was what we did, it was our entertainment. we really cared about eachother, but i think it was because we accepted eachother for faults that others had rejected us for. i dont want that anymore. and now what he doing? coke. what if i had stayed? would i have gotten into it because he did? i dont want anyone who is into drugs or is constantly popping pills at noon, why would i? even if they are a good person at heart, they obviously have some kind of problem if they have to rely on that to be happy. artificial happiness is way overrated and way overused. i dont care if they are a "good source". its just problems waiting to happen because you never know who they truly are and if they ever truly mean what they say. dont fall into the same lifestyle because it goes nowhere. i feel like we're getting too old for it, especially to brag about it.
all in all, good day, shouldnt complain.
well now the rambling. i was speaking with paige last night and we were talking about the next couple weekends. everyone will be gone next weekend, the next the parentals are coming. i told her my parents were coming and we were going canoeing.
"man yall are the fucking brady bunch." -paige
"yeah i guess. both my sisters are good kids who are geniouses and are responsible. i think im the younger one that the parents never really knows whats going on with"
"no one ever knows whats going on with you stevie"
i laughed that comment off because it made me feel kind of mysterious, but i thought about it from about conway to russelleville. that seems to be a comment that has been made a lot this year. my good friends here think that im just really carefree and i dont worry about much. paige can get it out of me because she can tell what makes me upset and then i unleash these worries stored away in the back of my head. i just figure people dont want to hear about this. she said there was apparantly a lot more than anyone knew about and asks why i dont talk to them about it. i dont want to talk about my problems with kevin, or my friend here or there because i just get embarrased. my little rock friends ask me about it all the time and they have occasionally thought i was slipping away into the dark territory of fraternities, drinking, and sex or that i just changed into this sorority girl. i have to reassure them im ok and that i havent changed as much as they think. but i have, i really have. but i adapt to situations and get used to how things are and how i have to act. even if i had no one i would eventually get used to it and be happy because of other things, probably smaller things. my parents dont really keep track of my life. they still pay my bills and help me in anyway possible, but when i went home on sunday, i was trying to talk to my dad and couldnt think of anything to say. when we have family get togethers, my dad and my grandpa buzz barely talk and i always wonder how they can never have anything to talk about because shit, they're father and son, they should have a lot in common. but when i was trying to talk to him, i felt so out of his life. i wanted to ask what hes been up to lately, but i know the answer is what it has always been... working and playing some golf. i wonder if our long talks about life are over. we used to talk to me about everything, especially how boys are bad and a little bit to drink is ok. "don't quit". "just everything in moderation". now when i come home its me putting on a show to show them that im doing ok and that im keeping my head on straight about school and everything.
why are we so influenced by those we have relationships with? i suppose it is to make them happy and are happy to have them accept us, like we have to keep up with them. im worried about you. im worried about you're lifestyle changing because of the person you're with just like mine did. you think i would have smoked as much as i hadn't of been with tim? it was what we did, it was our entertainment. we really cared about eachother, but i think it was because we accepted eachother for faults that others had rejected us for. i dont want that anymore. and now what he doing? coke. what if i had stayed? would i have gotten into it because he did? i dont want anyone who is into drugs or is constantly popping pills at noon, why would i? even if they are a good person at heart, they obviously have some kind of problem if they have to rely on that to be happy. artificial happiness is way overrated and way overused. i dont care if they are a "good source". its just problems waiting to happen because you never know who they truly are and if they ever truly mean what they say. dont fall into the same lifestyle because it goes nowhere. i feel like we're getting too old for it, especially to brag about it.
all in all, good day, shouldnt complain.