May Update
Just so you know (for the 3 people who i can count on to read this entry), this update was actually written in may. The time and date function on my Journal seems to be off for some reason, idk why though, so if it says that i'm writing this in june, don't be alarmed, time has not gone that fast and we are still in May.
This last month of my life has kind of been anything but enjoyable. It has become painfully obvious to me that i've been more upset than happy in the last thirty days. This might be puzzling to some that i am saying this, because I haven't seemed upset, but im not exactly one to carry my emotions on my sleeves, and more than not i'll bottle things up inside so that no one can see/ know them.
I've been feeling this way for a number of reasons, a lot of which im not going to get into here, because I do believe in keeping certain things private and just to myself, or maybe one other person.
My past has been constantly playing in my mind the past month. They say a mind is a terrible thing sometimes, and i'm starting to believe that. I've thought of so many things lately. I regret not doing certain things, and regret doing other things. There are so many things I wish i could go back and changed that have happened. I know i cant change the past, but if i could have just one wish, i wish i could go back in time and do certain things over again. But i know i cant change the past, and as real as that is, that really bothers me.
I don't really know who I am anymore. I don't feel uniquely me anymore, infact i don't feel unique at all. I feel like i've lost my personality, and that i have no personality. When i'm in a group of people, it seems like everyone has some attractive trait, except me. I even see it in my friends. I love them to death, but each one brings a special specific personality to the table. I feel like the average joe schmoe.
I feel as if i have no confidence in myself. That has to do with a lot of reasons, but its just something I feel right now. Where i once was eager to go up to someone and start a conversation, im now hesistant. Lots of the time i'll just sit or stand their during a conversation, and be afraid to say anything, because i feel like i have the same old stories that no one cares about. The prom conversation has been a topic that has come up a lot lately as kids are getting ready for it to come, and i feel so out of place when it comes up. The fact that i'm not going is one thing, but the conversation reminds me of other things that have happened that really make me upset. That just adds more to this feeling
I blame my job for some of this. I work so much, either at the store, or interning, that I never have any time for anything socially, except for friday nights, which are basically the only thing thats been keeping me going the past few weeks. In the past two years i haven't had the opportunity to stay after school, hang out with friends, walk over to rt.111 and just have a good time. Instead I go to work. And I know thats my choice, but i need the money to pay for things. Then what makes me upset is when I do find the time either after school, or on weekends when i'm not working, to hang out with friends, I feel like i'm out of the loop. Everyone always has some sort of plan, or is doing something, and i end up feeling like a stray cat because no one is around. I feel like ive missed out on a lot of time, and that i've lost all or most of the personality I liked about myself because of work. Since work essentially runs my life, thats all i have to talk about, and its just not interesting and i know no one wants to hear about it.
I just want to be a kid again, and talk about normally kid stuff, and be happy, but its been hard, especially this entire year, which has been difficult to handle, with the college process, and just a lot of other emotional stuff.
All of this has been keeping me up at night. I sit up an constantly think i've missed out on so much, i have so many regrets, I wish I could be myself again
I know college will bring a brand new start in a brand new place, however I want to finish things right here. I want things to be right just for once. i want to be happy before this whole high school experience ends. I'm just searching as to how that is going to happen though....
I want my happy ending, just once.
This last month of my life has kind of been anything but enjoyable. It has become painfully obvious to me that i've been more upset than happy in the last thirty days. This might be puzzling to some that i am saying this, because I haven't seemed upset, but im not exactly one to carry my emotions on my sleeves, and more than not i'll bottle things up inside so that no one can see/ know them.
I've been feeling this way for a number of reasons, a lot of which im not going to get into here, because I do believe in keeping certain things private and just to myself, or maybe one other person.
My past has been constantly playing in my mind the past month. They say a mind is a terrible thing sometimes, and i'm starting to believe that. I've thought of so many things lately. I regret not doing certain things, and regret doing other things. There are so many things I wish i could go back and changed that have happened. I know i cant change the past, but if i could have just one wish, i wish i could go back in time and do certain things over again. But i know i cant change the past, and as real as that is, that really bothers me.
I don't really know who I am anymore. I don't feel uniquely me anymore, infact i don't feel unique at all. I feel like i've lost my personality, and that i have no personality. When i'm in a group of people, it seems like everyone has some attractive trait, except me. I even see it in my friends. I love them to death, but each one brings a special specific personality to the table. I feel like the average joe schmoe.
I feel as if i have no confidence in myself. That has to do with a lot of reasons, but its just something I feel right now. Where i once was eager to go up to someone and start a conversation, im now hesistant. Lots of the time i'll just sit or stand their during a conversation, and be afraid to say anything, because i feel like i have the same old stories that no one cares about. The prom conversation has been a topic that has come up a lot lately as kids are getting ready for it to come, and i feel so out of place when it comes up. The fact that i'm not going is one thing, but the conversation reminds me of other things that have happened that really make me upset. That just adds more to this feeling
I blame my job for some of this. I work so much, either at the store, or interning, that I never have any time for anything socially, except for friday nights, which are basically the only thing thats been keeping me going the past few weeks. In the past two years i haven't had the opportunity to stay after school, hang out with friends, walk over to rt.111 and just have a good time. Instead I go to work. And I know thats my choice, but i need the money to pay for things. Then what makes me upset is when I do find the time either after school, or on weekends when i'm not working, to hang out with friends, I feel like i'm out of the loop. Everyone always has some sort of plan, or is doing something, and i end up feeling like a stray cat because no one is around. I feel like ive missed out on a lot of time, and that i've lost all or most of the personality I liked about myself because of work. Since work essentially runs my life, thats all i have to talk about, and its just not interesting and i know no one wants to hear about it.
I just want to be a kid again, and talk about normally kid stuff, and be happy, but its been hard, especially this entire year, which has been difficult to handle, with the college process, and just a lot of other emotional stuff.
All of this has been keeping me up at night. I sit up an constantly think i've missed out on so much, i have so many regrets, I wish I could be myself again
I know college will bring a brand new start in a brand new place, however I want to finish things right here. I want things to be right just for once. i want to be happy before this whole high school experience ends. I'm just searching as to how that is going to happen though....
I want my happy ending, just once.