Emotional Abuse
What is emotional abuse? I here must defer to the descriptions I have found on this website:
http://eqi.org/
This website is becoming a lifeline for me, a starting point for drifting away from emotional abuse--both ends of it! There are so many ways to abuse another person emotionally, so many ways to invalidate their feelings; so many ways to make them feel small and insignificant. And the solution is often so simple: affirm their feelings, let them know it's alright to feel the way they feel. Validating a friend's feelings, doing your best to understand why they feel that way...it makes sense that this is the basis for respectful relationships even between new acquaintances or adversaries (to the extent that it is possible to have a respectful relationship with an adversary) but especially between good friends, family members, and even lovers.
The first step in overcoming a situation in which another person is attempting to control you emotionally is to acknowledge that it is happening and that you are allowing it to happen. It has often been the case from time to time throughout my life that one person or another has--regardless of intent--committed some form of emotional abuse directed toward me, which was only possible because I allowed myself to be controlled in such a way. And make no mistake, emotional abuse is often all about control; it's about controlling the outcome of a situation with or without really seeming to; it's about the abuser getting what he wants from his victims.
Make no mistake, I do not consider myself to be solely a victim; I have also been the perpetrator of such acts. For me, it was a behaviour learned from the social dynamics within my family. Angry at someone? Don't approve of their actions or feel hurt by something they did or said to you? For my family the answer was simple: play the silent game. Ignore them to the extent that it is possible; that failing, yell at them and tell them how wrong they are. Don't budge, don't ever admit even to the possibility that you may be wrong; this always seems important to people due to a matter of pride more than anything else.
Admitting that one is wrong or that something one has done may have hurt someone else (regardless of the original intent) may be the most difficult thing that a prideful, arrogant person can do. I know. I've been learning this lesson lately: when to admit I'm wrong. My problem may have come to be, however, that I make the tragic mistake of accepting the blame for everything even if I was originally the one hurt and the conflict arises as a result of the other person refusing to accord me basic respect by letting me know that my feelings are as legitimate as their own and other people's.
Speaking of taking responsibility for one's own emotional state, I think something needs to be said for this. Owning up to one's feelings is not a matter of equating the effect (hurt feelings) with the cause. The cause can be anything. Particularly, in emotionally-involved relationships (as in those between friends, between family members, or between lovers) there is some trust given to others that they will act in an acceptable manner that considers our feelings; failure to do so is understood to cause some degree of pain--lacking that understanding is the first step toward creating an emotionally-abusive relationship in which the abuser blames the abused for the hurt that person feels. Of course, the abused is just as culpable for the fact that he does not call out the abuser for the hurt caused; and furthermore, recognizing that hurt is being caused and having failed to come to a rational agreement with the abuser, the abused has the responsibility to end the relationship. Failing to do this--failing to end the abusive relationship or somehow adjust so that no abuse can occur--is merely continuing to put himself in this undesirable situation. To this extent, yes, the abused is responsible for the hurt feelings and the control exerted over him.
However, it is fallacious for any abuser to claim that attempts by the abused to reconcile any differences and talk the situation through are merely attempts to escape responsibility for their own feelings; in fact, this is just another form of abuse known as invalidation. It is a controlling strategy designed to skirt the issue by changing the focus of the discussion to something that the abused, the victim, has done.
Hmm, I think it's almost Sleep'o'Clock. That's right. Goodnight,
http://eqi.org/
This website is becoming a lifeline for me, a starting point for drifting away from emotional abuse--both ends of it! There are so many ways to abuse another person emotionally, so many ways to invalidate their feelings; so many ways to make them feel small and insignificant. And the solution is often so simple: affirm their feelings, let them know it's alright to feel the way they feel. Validating a friend's feelings, doing your best to understand why they feel that way...it makes sense that this is the basis for respectful relationships even between new acquaintances or adversaries (to the extent that it is possible to have a respectful relationship with an adversary) but especially between good friends, family members, and even lovers.
The first step in overcoming a situation in which another person is attempting to control you emotionally is to acknowledge that it is happening and that you are allowing it to happen. It has often been the case from time to time throughout my life that one person or another has--regardless of intent--committed some form of emotional abuse directed toward me, which was only possible because I allowed myself to be controlled in such a way. And make no mistake, emotional abuse is often all about control; it's about controlling the outcome of a situation with or without really seeming to; it's about the abuser getting what he wants from his victims.
Make no mistake, I do not consider myself to be solely a victim; I have also been the perpetrator of such acts. For me, it was a behaviour learned from the social dynamics within my family. Angry at someone? Don't approve of their actions or feel hurt by something they did or said to you? For my family the answer was simple: play the silent game. Ignore them to the extent that it is possible; that failing, yell at them and tell them how wrong they are. Don't budge, don't ever admit even to the possibility that you may be wrong; this always seems important to people due to a matter of pride more than anything else.
Admitting that one is wrong or that something one has done may have hurt someone else (regardless of the original intent) may be the most difficult thing that a prideful, arrogant person can do. I know. I've been learning this lesson lately: when to admit I'm wrong. My problem may have come to be, however, that I make the tragic mistake of accepting the blame for everything even if I was originally the one hurt and the conflict arises as a result of the other person refusing to accord me basic respect by letting me know that my feelings are as legitimate as their own and other people's.
Speaking of taking responsibility for one's own emotional state, I think something needs to be said for this. Owning up to one's feelings is not a matter of equating the effect (hurt feelings) with the cause. The cause can be anything. Particularly, in emotionally-involved relationships (as in those between friends, between family members, or between lovers) there is some trust given to others that they will act in an acceptable manner that considers our feelings; failure to do so is understood to cause some degree of pain--lacking that understanding is the first step toward creating an emotionally-abusive relationship in which the abuser blames the abused for the hurt that person feels. Of course, the abused is just as culpable for the fact that he does not call out the abuser for the hurt caused; and furthermore, recognizing that hurt is being caused and having failed to come to a rational agreement with the abuser, the abused has the responsibility to end the relationship. Failing to do this--failing to end the abusive relationship or somehow adjust so that no abuse can occur--is merely continuing to put himself in this undesirable situation. To this extent, yes, the abused is responsible for the hurt feelings and the control exerted over him.
However, it is fallacious for any abuser to claim that attempts by the abused to reconcile any differences and talk the situation through are merely attempts to escape responsibility for their own feelings; in fact, this is just another form of abuse known as invalidation. It is a controlling strategy designed to skirt the issue by changing the focus of the discussion to something that the abused, the victim, has done.
Hmm, I think it's almost Sleep'o'Clock. That's right. Goodnight,