I don't want to go on a rant, but....[i can't believe I wrote almost 1000 words on this]
What is an authentic british pub? An unpretentious neighborhood joint populated by members of the working class. That's what initially comes to mind for me, at least in terms of the spirit of the place. I also imagine this type of establishment being older...hell, I imagine the establishment as being established with a strong tie to the history of the community. Maybe a little run down. Smokey. If it serves food at all, it serves items that are local, historic, and based on the pallet of those that sell their labor for a living. You could almost call it stodgy. Hell, you SHOULD call it stodgy. The british pub is ultimately the embodiment of middle class values and ideals. It is intended to either be a home away from home, or a home for the homeless, depending on the individual.
That has always been my perspective at least. These are the places that exist on the side streets of glasgow, a corner in queens, an alley in philly.
This is much different from the modern authentic british american pub, however.
In the true spirit of american capitalism, the pub has been bastardized and turned into a cliche. The entrepreneurial spirit has done to the pub what it has done to so many other things that are or at least once were authentic. It has managed to take the physical appearance of something, turn it into a commodity, and ultimately create something that is the inverse of approachable and unpretentious.
The modern british american pub is not for locals. They are located in strip malls in commercial districts. They have become a destination. They are not old. They may attempt to have personality with "authentic" decor, but look closer and you will see that they only embody a cliche. The people that come are not working class. They are generally young and upwardly mobile. They are almost entirely populated by well dressed dirty fuckin' yuppies who are there for the scene.
The bastardization does not end there, however. Lets examine the music and the space. Modern british american pubs often have a dance floor. Yes, a fucking dance floor. A pub has a dance floor. I know, it's fucked up to have to hear that type of thing. I'll give you a few minutes to collect yourself and have a calming cigarette.
You good now? Ok, I'll continue. These places also play rap music. Yes, rap music. And it's really. fucking. loud. How can these authentic british american pubs be playing rap music, you're probably thinking? I cannot even begin to comprehend the answer to this question, so you will get no direction from me. I'm just your guide, your ghost-of-christmas-present, if you will. I'm just presenting the reality as it is. You'll have to look elsewhere to obtain meaning. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. I tell you what, I'll let you go have another cigarette and refresh your drinky. Then I will continue.
All better? Good. Sorry, but that was your last cigarette break. I'm going to go ahead and plow through the rest of this. So let me continue talking about the rap music at your local british american pub. They play fifty cent. Yeah, you heard that right. Fifty cent. They play fifty cent a full fiscal quarter after his fifteen minutes of fame ended. Not only do they play shit records, but they also have a 'dj' narrate the experience for you. Tonight it consisted of a guy yelling "How many of you out there are fucking horny?" three or four times between each song. I'm not kidding. That happened. Multiple. Fucking. Times. "Fuck me [pun intended]," I thought, "this shit is depressing...."
The only thing that is truly authentic about the modern authentic british american pub is the food. Beyond the "well-it's-shepards-pie-so-we-have-to-put-it-on-the-menu-because-it's-Authentic!" items, you will find the comfort food of the american middle class. Buffalo wings? check. Spinach and artichoke dip? check. Hamburgers? check. They nail the food aspect. The hidden irony of this does not escape me, however. They give the people what they want and what comforts them, but they do so in the name of capitalism and in the pursuit of the american dollar. The menu is not challenging. It's a stripped down version of the menu from chili's. It's food that tastes good after you've been drinking. It isn't high class, but it doesn't try to be. It's what Americans eat, and although I find it boring and the financial motivation behind it depressing, it is the only truly Authentic aspect of the modern authentic british american pub.
In the end I am not opposed to the modern authentic british american pub. I am conflicted. The fact that these establishments exist both hurts my soul, and yet provides me with comfort. I am convinced that the modern british american pub is a key part of the first phase of American Ideocratization. This is the dumbing down of american culture on a base level. Yeah, these places sucks. Yeah, they're depressing. Still. I'm glad they exist. At the end of the day, they attract the stupid. They attract the fashion conscious. They attract the arrogant. To put it bluntly, they attract the last people I would EVER want to hang out with. That makes me happy, as the existence of the modern british american pub reduces the chance that I will be roped into a conversation with the stupid.
That has always been my perspective at least. These are the places that exist on the side streets of glasgow, a corner in queens, an alley in philly.
This is much different from the modern authentic british american pub, however.
In the true spirit of american capitalism, the pub has been bastardized and turned into a cliche. The entrepreneurial spirit has done to the pub what it has done to so many other things that are or at least once were authentic. It has managed to take the physical appearance of something, turn it into a commodity, and ultimately create something that is the inverse of approachable and unpretentious.
The modern british american pub is not for locals. They are located in strip malls in commercial districts. They have become a destination. They are not old. They may attempt to have personality with "authentic" decor, but look closer and you will see that they only embody a cliche. The people that come are not working class. They are generally young and upwardly mobile. They are almost entirely populated by well dressed dirty fuckin' yuppies who are there for the scene.
The bastardization does not end there, however. Lets examine the music and the space. Modern british american pubs often have a dance floor. Yes, a fucking dance floor. A pub has a dance floor. I know, it's fucked up to have to hear that type of thing. I'll give you a few minutes to collect yourself and have a calming cigarette.
You good now? Ok, I'll continue. These places also play rap music. Yes, rap music. And it's really. fucking. loud. How can these authentic british american pubs be playing rap music, you're probably thinking? I cannot even begin to comprehend the answer to this question, so you will get no direction from me. I'm just your guide, your ghost-of-christmas-present, if you will. I'm just presenting the reality as it is. You'll have to look elsewhere to obtain meaning. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. I tell you what, I'll let you go have another cigarette and refresh your drinky. Then I will continue.
All better? Good. Sorry, but that was your last cigarette break. I'm going to go ahead and plow through the rest of this. So let me continue talking about the rap music at your local british american pub. They play fifty cent. Yeah, you heard that right. Fifty cent. They play fifty cent a full fiscal quarter after his fifteen minutes of fame ended. Not only do they play shit records, but they also have a 'dj' narrate the experience for you. Tonight it consisted of a guy yelling "How many of you out there are fucking horny?" three or four times between each song. I'm not kidding. That happened. Multiple. Fucking. Times. "Fuck me [pun intended]," I thought, "this shit is depressing...."
The only thing that is truly authentic about the modern authentic british american pub is the food. Beyond the "well-it's-shepards-pie-so-we-have-to-put-it-on-the-menu-because-it's-Authentic!" items, you will find the comfort food of the american middle class. Buffalo wings? check. Spinach and artichoke dip? check. Hamburgers? check. They nail the food aspect. The hidden irony of this does not escape me, however. They give the people what they want and what comforts them, but they do so in the name of capitalism and in the pursuit of the american dollar. The menu is not challenging. It's a stripped down version of the menu from chili's. It's food that tastes good after you've been drinking. It isn't high class, but it doesn't try to be. It's what Americans eat, and although I find it boring and the financial motivation behind it depressing, it is the only truly Authentic aspect of the modern authentic british american pub.
In the end I am not opposed to the modern authentic british american pub. I am conflicted. The fact that these establishments exist both hurts my soul, and yet provides me with comfort. I am convinced that the modern british american pub is a key part of the first phase of American Ideocratization. This is the dumbing down of american culture on a base level. Yeah, these places sucks. Yeah, they're depressing. Still. I'm glad they exist. At the end of the day, they attract the stupid. They attract the fashion conscious. They attract the arrogant. To put it bluntly, they attract the last people I would EVER want to hang out with. That makes me happy, as the existence of the modern british american pub reduces the chance that I will be roped into a conversation with the stupid.