Down, but not out
During the week I wrote my last post, I was on one of the lower parts of my emotional roller coaster I've been on since April. I didn't have much going on during the week, little to no motivation, and seeing the final installment of Harry Potter made me miss Aaron and Rachael more than I had anticipated. Because they were the reason I read the books and watched the movies in the first place, I was reminded of how it just didn't seem right to watch it without them. Silly, I know, since I'm pretty sure they have better things going on in Heaven right now, but grief is not rational. In fact, most times it's anything but rational.
Following that week, I came to the point where I decided I really needed to start doing something for myself to help me move forward in the grieving process. I know it's easy to get stuck in the past and hold on with a white-knuckle grip to memories and people I don't want to leave behind. Fearing that my grief has taken me on a path leading away from God, I knew that had to be my first step.
I've always had a hard time maintaining a daily devotional routine or even simply opening my Bible to read scripture every other day. Last winter, I signed up for daily emails from BibleGateway.com that would send a verse a day. While that has helped me feel more connected to God, ever since April, most verses have just not always reached out to me in my pain and sadness. It dawned on me that I should look up something similar that would be focused on the grieving process so I could have something motivating me to spend time with God each day.
I found this amazing website called GriefShare.org. Turns out, they offer a daily email service, too! Theirs runs for one full year and each day's email focuses on different aspects of the journey, complete with people's brief testimonies, a relevant scripture, and a short prayer. I immediately signed myself up for these and I've been so incredibly blessed through these daily doses of encouragement. They're all helpful, but some days, it amazes me to read words of someone else's experience with grief and see how much theirs mirrors my own. Like I've said before, just knowing there are others out there who totally understand what I'm feeling is an immense relief. Maybe I'm not (so) crazy after all!
There's also a 6-week personal study that they offer. For 5 days each week, you can study a scripture and answer a few questions about it and about how it relates to you and your emotions. It can't replace the good that comes from actually talking with a counselor, but it does at least help me organize the thoughts swirling around in my head and begin to process it. I've gotten off track with the busyness of colorguard and school starting up, but I plan to get back into it once I've established my routine again.
Anyway, I just wanted to share two emails from GriefShare's daily devotions that really spoke to me and put into words the feelings I've had as I've been walking through the valley:
Shock
Day 16
Shock is a sudden, violent disturbance to the body. The same term is used to describe the effect of an electric current passing through the body. You have likely encountered this paralyzing reaction in grief.
Dr. Norman Peart describes his feelings after the death of his grandmother: "The immediate feeling was that of shock and an awareness that I was not as in control of the world as I once thought. Then it was a numbness, a realization that there's something missing from life now. There was also a great fear as to who could be taken next from my life."
Virgil, who lost his wife, says, "When you go to a funeral, you hear people say, 'Oh, he's holding up so well.' I don't think that's true. I think the person in grief doesn't know what's going on. That's the state I was in." Maybe you can relate to how Virgil felt.
When you are in shock and you feel powerless to cope and unable to think straight, understand that you don't have to at that moment. Yet because of this, it is wise not to make any major changes in your life or decide on any important issues until your shock has subsided.
God will gently lead to safety those who consciously turn to Him and are dependent on His guidance.
"The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless His people with peace" (Psalm 29:11 NASB).
O Lord, my feet have been swept out from under me, but in Your loving arms I am steady and secure. Amen.
Don't Rush Me
Day 22
Sometimes other people try to help you get out of your grief by offering advice or "constructive criticism." They may admonish you to "get over it" or to "get back into life." These comments can hurt.
Remember, you have an insight into the grieving process that these people do not have. You know that the length of the grieving process is different for each person. You know you have to let the grieving process take place, because if you try to rush it, you will only prolong the healing.
"So many people will say: 'Well, it's been six months. Don't you think you should be over it by now?' But for each person it's different, and to say those things is very hurtful because maybe that person isn't ready," says Emy, a widow.
You cannot rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but you can rely on God.
Job's "friends" condemned him and did not understand his grief. "Then Job replied: 'I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!'" (Job 16:1-2).
Father God, I know that my friends and family mean well, but they just don't understand that I am not there yet. Help me to know when I am. Holy Spirit, You are my Comforter. In You alone will I find refuge. Amen.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in a state of shock over the sudden loss of not just one person who was special to me, but two. I probably am. But that fear of "who's going to be taken from me next??" is exactly what I expressed to my family at the beginning of my journey. And even though tomorrow marks four months without their lives on this Earth, for me, it's just too soon to be completely back into my normal life. Both of these emails are examples of the relief I feel that I am not alone. Yes, I always have God walking beside me through every mountaintop and valley of my life, but it also helps to know that there are other people who have felt the same thing. It gives me something to rejoice about again.
Following that week, I came to the point where I decided I really needed to start doing something for myself to help me move forward in the grieving process. I know it's easy to get stuck in the past and hold on with a white-knuckle grip to memories and people I don't want to leave behind. Fearing that my grief has taken me on a path leading away from God, I knew that had to be my first step.
I've always had a hard time maintaining a daily devotional routine or even simply opening my Bible to read scripture every other day. Last winter, I signed up for daily emails from BibleGateway.com that would send a verse a day. While that has helped me feel more connected to God, ever since April, most verses have just not always reached out to me in my pain and sadness. It dawned on me that I should look up something similar that would be focused on the grieving process so I could have something motivating me to spend time with God each day.
I found this amazing website called GriefShare.org. Turns out, they offer a daily email service, too! Theirs runs for one full year and each day's email focuses on different aspects of the journey, complete with people's brief testimonies, a relevant scripture, and a short prayer. I immediately signed myself up for these and I've been so incredibly blessed through these daily doses of encouragement. They're all helpful, but some days, it amazes me to read words of someone else's experience with grief and see how much theirs mirrors my own. Like I've said before, just knowing there are others out there who totally understand what I'm feeling is an immense relief. Maybe I'm not (so) crazy after all!
There's also a 6-week personal study that they offer. For 5 days each week, you can study a scripture and answer a few questions about it and about how it relates to you and your emotions. It can't replace the good that comes from actually talking with a counselor, but it does at least help me organize the thoughts swirling around in my head and begin to process it. I've gotten off track with the busyness of colorguard and school starting up, but I plan to get back into it once I've established my routine again.
Anyway, I just wanted to share two emails from GriefShare's daily devotions that really spoke to me and put into words the feelings I've had as I've been walking through the valley:
Shock
Day 16
Shock is a sudden, violent disturbance to the body. The same term is used to describe the effect of an electric current passing through the body. You have likely encountered this paralyzing reaction in grief.
Dr. Norman Peart describes his feelings after the death of his grandmother: "The immediate feeling was that of shock and an awareness that I was not as in control of the world as I once thought. Then it was a numbness, a realization that there's something missing from life now. There was also a great fear as to who could be taken next from my life."
Virgil, who lost his wife, says, "When you go to a funeral, you hear people say, 'Oh, he's holding up so well.' I don't think that's true. I think the person in grief doesn't know what's going on. That's the state I was in." Maybe you can relate to how Virgil felt.
When you are in shock and you feel powerless to cope and unable to think straight, understand that you don't have to at that moment. Yet because of this, it is wise not to make any major changes in your life or decide on any important issues until your shock has subsided.
God will gently lead to safety those who consciously turn to Him and are dependent on His guidance.
"The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless His people with peace" (Psalm 29:11 NASB).
O Lord, my feet have been swept out from under me, but in Your loving arms I am steady and secure. Amen.
Don't Rush Me
Day 22
Sometimes other people try to help you get out of your grief by offering advice or "constructive criticism." They may admonish you to "get over it" or to "get back into life." These comments can hurt.
Remember, you have an insight into the grieving process that these people do not have. You know that the length of the grieving process is different for each person. You know you have to let the grieving process take place, because if you try to rush it, you will only prolong the healing.
"So many people will say: 'Well, it's been six months. Don't you think you should be over it by now?' But for each person it's different, and to say those things is very hurtful because maybe that person isn't ready," says Emy, a widow.
You cannot rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but you can rely on God.
Job's "friends" condemned him and did not understand his grief. "Then Job replied: 'I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!'" (Job 16:1-2).
Father God, I know that my friends and family mean well, but they just don't understand that I am not there yet. Help me to know when I am. Holy Spirit, You are my Comforter. In You alone will I find refuge. Amen.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in a state of shock over the sudden loss of not just one person who was special to me, but two. I probably am. But that fear of "who's going to be taken from me next??" is exactly what I expressed to my family at the beginning of my journey. And even though tomorrow marks four months without their lives on this Earth, for me, it's just too soon to be completely back into my normal life. Both of these emails are examples of the relief I feel that I am not alone. Yes, I always have God walking beside me through every mountaintop and valley of my life, but it also helps to know that there are other people who have felt the same thing. It gives me something to rejoice about again.