Some Lessons
"I thought it was for your sake that I came alone, so obviously alone, so vulnerable, that I could in myself post no threat, change no balance: not an invasion, but a mere messenger-boy. But there's more to it than that. Alone I cannot change your world. But I can be changed by it. Alone, I must listen, as well as speak."
-Ursula LeGuin, The Left Hand of Darkness
So speaks Genry Ai, Envoy to the world of Gethen. He goes on to say that any relationship he formed could not be impersonal, us and them; rather it must be interpersonal, you and I.
I have learned a number of lessons in China. Some of them I needed to learn. Some I happened to learn. Some I chose to learn. Tonight I realized that the very nature of the way I came and how I have lived has kept me from learning some other lessons. Not necessarily better lessons, but different ones.
I am sure I will be chided when I come back for not having learned Chinese. The truth of it is that I didn't have to learn more to survive, and that the world around me was more interested in practicing English with me than in teaching me Chinese. Also, for a number of reasons, I did not come alone. Whether it was through the connections of the internet, or through the fact that I had friends here who were from America, I was able to be comfortable and hold onto my own identity rather than work to assimilate and learn more to get by.
Instead of being one man who must come to be a part of the culture he visits, I have been able to stay somewhat on its periphery. I have watched a lot of it. I have written some about it, I have taken part in a little of it. A very little. In so doing I have had my eyes opened in some respects, many of those I've already shared in various places. I've also learned something about love of country, a small taste of what exile might be if I could never return. I don't have the bitterness of despair that I've read about for true exiles, but I think I know a grey shadow of it. I do appreciate far more what I have at home, from water that can be drank from the tap, to the cleanliness of the streets and my home. To the open skies that are not covered in a haze of pollution. I have a better perspective on animal cruelty.
I learned some more lessons about myself and living and working on my own. Some of those I've already said, some of them are posts for later. I'm currently more tuned in to world news, for what that's worth. I can say to my teachers and professors that I understand their lives just a little better, actually having taught for a year, though I do hold the standards here are nowhere near as high at home.
And I really do want to come home.
The lessons I did not learn in China are the ones forged by the the creation of a deep friendship with a native of the country. I did not have to depend on, or grow much in my relationship with the Chinese people here. I visited a few times and places, I experienced without deeply living it. It would take something far more dramatic for me to be really living it. But I believe that is part of the nature of the beast, at least the beast I came here in. I was brought here to speak, and I've not done as much listening as I should have. And so I've missed out on some different lessons that I may have otherwise had. Maybe they weren't what I needed to learn right now, maybe I will have a chance at another time to learn them. Maybe I will take these two months I have less to do more listening. We'll see. I'll be working on it.
As a complete sidenote, I should not be writing at 3:35 am. I think I was clearer on a point when I started, but I kind of feel I've rambled now. Oh well, I'm just happy to be writing and posting again. The wheel will weave as the wheel wills.
Goodnight all
-Ursula LeGuin, The Left Hand of Darkness
So speaks Genry Ai, Envoy to the world of Gethen. He goes on to say that any relationship he formed could not be impersonal, us and them; rather it must be interpersonal, you and I.
I have learned a number of lessons in China. Some of them I needed to learn. Some I happened to learn. Some I chose to learn. Tonight I realized that the very nature of the way I came and how I have lived has kept me from learning some other lessons. Not necessarily better lessons, but different ones.
I am sure I will be chided when I come back for not having learned Chinese. The truth of it is that I didn't have to learn more to survive, and that the world around me was more interested in practicing English with me than in teaching me Chinese. Also, for a number of reasons, I did not come alone. Whether it was through the connections of the internet, or through the fact that I had friends here who were from America, I was able to be comfortable and hold onto my own identity rather than work to assimilate and learn more to get by.
Instead of being one man who must come to be a part of the culture he visits, I have been able to stay somewhat on its periphery. I have watched a lot of it. I have written some about it, I have taken part in a little of it. A very little. In so doing I have had my eyes opened in some respects, many of those I've already shared in various places. I've also learned something about love of country, a small taste of what exile might be if I could never return. I don't have the bitterness of despair that I've read about for true exiles, but I think I know a grey shadow of it. I do appreciate far more what I have at home, from water that can be drank from the tap, to the cleanliness of the streets and my home. To the open skies that are not covered in a haze of pollution. I have a better perspective on animal cruelty.
I learned some more lessons about myself and living and working on my own. Some of those I've already said, some of them are posts for later. I'm currently more tuned in to world news, for what that's worth. I can say to my teachers and professors that I understand their lives just a little better, actually having taught for a year, though I do hold the standards here are nowhere near as high at home.
And I really do want to come home.
The lessons I did not learn in China are the ones forged by the the creation of a deep friendship with a native of the country. I did not have to depend on, or grow much in my relationship with the Chinese people here. I visited a few times and places, I experienced without deeply living it. It would take something far more dramatic for me to be really living it. But I believe that is part of the nature of the beast, at least the beast I came here in. I was brought here to speak, and I've not done as much listening as I should have. And so I've missed out on some different lessons that I may have otherwise had. Maybe they weren't what I needed to learn right now, maybe I will have a chance at another time to learn them. Maybe I will take these two months I have less to do more listening. We'll see. I'll be working on it.
As a complete sidenote, I should not be writing at 3:35 am. I think I was clearer on a point when I started, but I kind of feel I've rambled now. Oh well, I'm just happy to be writing and posting again. The wheel will weave as the wheel wills.
Goodnight all