(no subject)
Argh, I am not sure how I should feel, what I should do. It's been a month but the pain is still raw as it was then. I feel like I should do something, call Kelly, Thom, Connie and Charles and the boys. But I don't know if I should. They are hurting enough as it is, they don't need to hear from Sam's wife to remind them. Sam at least called Kelly, I am glad he did. Kelly needs to know we are here for him, although I know he already does.
I can't stop crying, or hating myself for not doing something. I feel like I am being shelfish, I should be the strong one. The shoulder. I am not hurting as half as bad as everyone else is and it consumes me, imagine how they feel. I stare at the box we made and bawl when I am alone and allow myself to feel the pain. God help me I wasn't even there but yet I picture him dead in my head, I cant stand it. At least I can hear his laugh still. I wish I could take everyones pain away. I would take it all if I could so they could all be happy, but I can't.
I miss him, miss all the trips we were talking about, the talks we used to have when everyone else was doing their own thing, the late night coffee....*sigh*
I can't stop crying, or hating myself for not doing something. I feel like I am being shelfish, I should be the strong one. The shoulder. I am not hurting as half as bad as everyone else is and it consumes me, imagine how they feel. I stare at the box we made and bawl when I am alone and allow myself to feel the pain. God help me I wasn't even there but yet I picture him dead in my head, I cant stand it. At least I can hear his laugh still. I wish I could take everyones pain away. I would take it all if I could so they could all be happy, but I can't.
I miss him, miss all the trips we were talking about, the talks we used to have when everyone else was doing their own thing, the late night coffee....*sigh*