I've been traveling, but I don't know | where.
My New Years resolution? To start telling the truth.
It's really astounding the sheer amount of lying that I can achieve on a daily basis. It's one thing to tell little white lies to keep everyone happy, but it's quite another to tell yourself almost hourly that everything will be okay.
I'm aware that it's pretty damn pessimistic to think that the shit storm my life has become won't get better. It's not like that. I know that I have the power to change it. I just think it's stupid to tell myself that everything will be fine when I know, in my heart of hearts that it's not that easy. I rule in deception. It's my stock and trade, but I can't deal in self-deception anymore. It needs to stop
--
In other news, I'm trying, oh God am I trying, to figure myself out. I sunk pretty low in the later half of 2009, I know I did. I went days without seeing people, whole weeks without doing anything except sleeping and listening to music. I want to engage in life again. I figured something out though. I'm healthiest, not exactly happiest, but at least as functional as the average human being when I'm writing. Actively writing that is. So that's my new focus. To learn how to write again. That and get myself closer to music again. I miss that. Being immersed in a world of tone and pitch and lyric. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna focus on the part of life that still works for me, hopefully it'll continue to work.
--
Sometimes, I cry for no reason, get angry and curse the sky. Go so far from safe as I can get. Focus on the things I know wont help me at all. Like calling up people I shouldn't speak to, sit on the porch in a tank top, flip flops, and shorts when it's freezing out, will a car accident. I know not to do this, I know that I should fucking talk to someone when I get into my Girl Interrupted head space. But I usually don't, I usually end up either writing page upon page of stories that I can't bring myself to look at again (knowing that you have deppression, and seeing the effect of that in black and white staring at you are two very different things) or crying and screaming into my pillow, knowing that I have to lie to everyone again. To tell people that the a reason I didn't answer the phone or meet them where I was supposed to that is so far from the truth it's comical, because I still can't get the courage to just say, I'm sorry I ditched you, I have depression, and I had an episode, and I couldn't get off my bed, and I was scared, and I knew that if I tried to get there I'd have made a really stupid mistake. And I'm sorry, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't mean for this to happen please don't be mad, please. And because of this, I lie. I hate it. The last casualty of my fucked up mind was me missing my big sister's College Graduation. I still can't bring myself to tell her that I wasn't laying on my bathroom floor all day because I was sick, but because I couldn't breath and couldn't stop throwing up or shaking long enough to call, because I had a panic attack. And that the reason I didn't tell her till two days later is because I kept knocking myself out with NyQuil every time I woke up because it hurt to think. I'm not proud of it. And I hate it. So I'm gonna spend this year trying to change it. Hopefully.
--
I've been thinking a lot about family, mostly how I feel closer and more connected to the people that aren't in my traditional family, and how my biological family is turning away from the feel of a family more and more each day. I hate it, things seem to be breaking so much easier now, my family, my sanity. It's less that it isn't fair and more that I don't know what to do to fix it.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that everything must happen for a reason. To not suffer the plight of looking back and forgetting to look at the things that are right ahead. My goal in 2010 is not to change everything in my life, I really just want to change how I react to it. I want to stop being so attached to my reactions and start shaping my own future, for once. I want to listen to the quote that I have written down in my wallet, and stop dwelling on dreams, to stop forgetting to live.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
J K Rowling
It's really astounding the sheer amount of lying that I can achieve on a daily basis. It's one thing to tell little white lies to keep everyone happy, but it's quite another to tell yourself almost hourly that everything will be okay.
I'm aware that it's pretty damn pessimistic to think that the shit storm my life has become won't get better. It's not like that. I know that I have the power to change it. I just think it's stupid to tell myself that everything will be fine when I know, in my heart of hearts that it's not that easy. I rule in deception. It's my stock and trade, but I can't deal in self-deception anymore. It needs to stop
--
In other news, I'm trying, oh God am I trying, to figure myself out. I sunk pretty low in the later half of 2009, I know I did. I went days without seeing people, whole weeks without doing anything except sleeping and listening to music. I want to engage in life again. I figured something out though. I'm healthiest, not exactly happiest, but at least as functional as the average human being when I'm writing. Actively writing that is. So that's my new focus. To learn how to write again. That and get myself closer to music again. I miss that. Being immersed in a world of tone and pitch and lyric. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna focus on the part of life that still works for me, hopefully it'll continue to work.
--
Sometimes, I cry for no reason, get angry and curse the sky. Go so far from safe as I can get. Focus on the things I know wont help me at all. Like calling up people I shouldn't speak to, sit on the porch in a tank top, flip flops, and shorts when it's freezing out, will a car accident. I know not to do this, I know that I should fucking talk to someone when I get into my Girl Interrupted head space. But I usually don't, I usually end up either writing page upon page of stories that I can't bring myself to look at again (knowing that you have deppression, and seeing the effect of that in black and white staring at you are two very different things) or crying and screaming into my pillow, knowing that I have to lie to everyone again. To tell people that the a reason I didn't answer the phone or meet them where I was supposed to that is so far from the truth it's comical, because I still can't get the courage to just say, I'm sorry I ditched you, I have depression, and I had an episode, and I couldn't get off my bed, and I was scared, and I knew that if I tried to get there I'd have made a really stupid mistake. And I'm sorry, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't mean for this to happen please don't be mad, please. And because of this, I lie. I hate it. The last casualty of my fucked up mind was me missing my big sister's College Graduation. I still can't bring myself to tell her that I wasn't laying on my bathroom floor all day because I was sick, but because I couldn't breath and couldn't stop throwing up or shaking long enough to call, because I had a panic attack. And that the reason I didn't tell her till two days later is because I kept knocking myself out with NyQuil every time I woke up because it hurt to think. I'm not proud of it. And I hate it. So I'm gonna spend this year trying to change it. Hopefully.
--
I've been thinking a lot about family, mostly how I feel closer and more connected to the people that aren't in my traditional family, and how my biological family is turning away from the feel of a family more and more each day. I hate it, things seem to be breaking so much easier now, my family, my sanity. It's less that it isn't fair and more that I don't know what to do to fix it.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that everything must happen for a reason. To not suffer the plight of looking back and forgetting to look at the things that are right ahead. My goal in 2010 is not to change everything in my life, I really just want to change how I react to it. I want to stop being so attached to my reactions and start shaping my own future, for once. I want to listen to the quote that I have written down in my wallet, and stop dwelling on dreams, to stop forgetting to live.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
J K Rowling