i just want home again

[stephie3]

i miss massachusetts. i thought that coming home,even if it is mississippi, would make all these bad feelings go away. however, that isnt the case. here has made me become depressed and argue with my stubborn mother who couldnt see through me if she tried...she likes to say i act like an old lady so that she feels younger. she likes to blame my "new actions" on my roommate who doesnt live with us. i dont act different, i just look different, is that so bad? anyway, how could it be my roommates fault, if it was her fault, then her influence on me would be over because she isnt around me anymore. i also love how i can never be my own person in my mothers eyes. never, my actions and ways are always blamed on someone else in my life, normally immediate friends that i have just been around. frankly it makes no sense. im old enough and intelligent enough to think things over in my own mind and decide whats right for me and what is not. i think she still likes pretending that i dont have control over my own life so i can still seem child-like. although i may be as tall as a 12 year old doesnt mean i am one. i just wish that she could finally see how truly sad i am at the thought of being here for a semester and really understand why i need to go see my friends for a few days. is it that hard to understand? as toby puts it "shes a whackjob" haha love it. i shouldnt be that mean but i cant help it right now, my niceness is slowly fading.
i talked to lindsey today :-) brought brightness into my day. i miss talking to more people on a regular basis. we just discussed whats been going on and how our first semester was (finals) and of course christmas presents haha...i miss just driving over to her house for some tea and words of wisdom lol <~that sounds like an old lady ;-) but seriously i used to drive over there and have the best convos with that chica and then we'd go for a walk in the woods which of course is gorgeous in new england, especially in the fall season. trust me, you dont know how much you appreciate new england until you leave it.
mmmm...new england clam chowdah...im gonna leave it at that...u know i havent truly had that in a while haha