silly story #3 - Stephen and the Whale
Title: Stephen and the Whale (from Stephen Sails the Seas: Stories for Children)
Authors: des_pudels_kern and grace_poppy
Characters: Stephen, a whale, shrimps, fishes, orcas, Jack
Rating: G
Stephen and the Whale
The sleepy great whale loved tiny shrimps. He loved to eat them. One day, the sleepy great whale saw a big big crowd of his favorite tiny shrimps, pink and stout!
"What luck!" he thought, "A tasty snack for me!"
But as he opened his big big mouth, he heard the shrimps chattering to one another.
This confounded the sleepy great whale. Of course he had known that shrimps could talk. They were animals, after all. But he had never heard them before!
"Am I still sleeping?" he wondered, "Hearing shrimps! No other whale would believe me!"
What the sleepy great whale didn't know, simply because he never asked them before eating, was that while shrimps could talk, they usually just chose not to. Shrimps were remarkably stoic creatures, and even being devoured by a whale was something they simply shrugged off. Often enough in the whale's mouth.
Plus, their meagre lives were so boring that there was usually nothing to talk about, even in their dying moments.
But these animated shrimps had recently heard the most extraordinary piece of gossip.
"We heard it from the long thin fish that ate Edgar," one shrimp giggled to her friends.
"And that fish had heard it from a penguin that ate his mother, or sister or somebody!" her companion squealed breathlessly.
"And the penguin had heard it from a seal, right before the seal was eaten by a killer whale - and the whale verified that it was Stephen Maturin."
"Doctor Stephen Maturin, author of Equatorial Sulidae?" squeaked an eager young shrimpling.
"The same! The same! And the whale said - oh sister, are you dead?"
"Never mind!" the shrimps cried, "Go on! Go on!"
The whale swallowed thoughtfully. Stephen Maturin! Of course he knew the name - had read the treatise, had been impressed and enlightened by its insights.
Humans in general were considered a rather short-witted species by the other animals. They may be good with tools, but clearly weren't the best thinkers.
Why else would a race of scantily haired monkeys that either drowned or got eaten by sharks half of the time they fall into the water try to roam the ocean?
But, as surely as every whale in the whole wide sea had one doppelgänger who looked exactly like him, there was one known exception to the rule of human stupidity: Stephen Maturin. The Stephen Maturin.
"I should like to see this Stephen Maturin," the sleepy great whale mused as he swallowed another population of shrimp. "Yes... I should like it of all things. I must follow this trail of shrimps back to where he was spotted."
He swallowed once more, and then the sleepy great whale set into motion, sleepily waving his great tail.
Thus he pursued the shrimp's gossip, through days and nights and many, many delicious mouthfuls of shrimp.
He ate and swam, swam and ate, until he saw the long thin fishes that had eaten the shrimps. He swam on and saw the penguins that had eaten the fish. He swam on and saw the seals that had eaten the penguins. He swam on and finally saw the killer whales that had eaten the seals.
He cleared his great throat.
"Pardon me, dear remote cousins. I followed some shrimp, that had been eaten by some fish, that had been eaten by some penguins, that had been eaten by some seals, that you have eaten. And..."
The killer whales circled around him. Not threatening - he was the great whale, after all - but twitchy and restless. Realising that orcas really did have no patience, just as his mother had always told him, he decided to cut short his elaborate speech.
"Could you please point me into the direction of Stephen Maturin, the Stephen Maturin?"
At the mention of that name, the orcas perked up their barely-discernible ears and wriggled and squeaked like adolescent porpoises on plankton. "Did you say Steeephen? Eeeeeeeee! Follow meee! Pleeeease! Stephen Stephen Steeeeeephen! Follow meee!"
And the great sleepy whale, who would never be caught dead wriggling and squeaking like that because great whales did everything slowly and with grand air, thought, "I hope everybody knows they are distant cousins."
"There! There!" the orcas squealed, pointing their fins excitedly at a shape on the horizon. It was a ship! For some reason, the big big whale was surprised. But naturally, Stephen Maturin would appear on a ship. What had the whale expected - that he would rise up from the foam on a scallop shell?
Well, maybe a part of him had. A small part. Tiny. Virtually non-existing.
But of course Stephen Maturin was a human, no matter how extraordinary, and all humans were dead in the water, though most of them were too stupid to even realize it and flailed their arms and legs quite ridiculously whenever they fell in. They clearly didn't know that this attracted sharks.
Stephen, however, was smarter than most. When he fell in the water, he quite sensibly sank like a stone, as the whale was about to discover.
Instead he showed an intellect that rivalled that of the great sleepy whale. For while the whale slowly drifted by, impressed by this extraordinary human and not taking his eye off him (the right one, for he passed Stephen on his right side), Stephen Maturin, this most sensible of humans, slowly drifted down, obviously impressed by the sleepy great whale and not taking his eyes off him.
So this was Stephen Maturin. This man who could sink peacefully in the water without drawing undue attention to himself - this self-effacing creature! The sleepy great whale gazed approvingly. Stephen Maturin was still and silent as a humble barnacle, while the foolish men above the water were shouting animatedly and messing about with their ship.
"Hail, Stephen Maturin," the whale murmured by way of introduction. "I read Equatorial Sulidae, and I strongly agree with your findings. But do you not think that the sula bassana will be reclassified as morus? My northern cousins seem to think so, but I do not know the source of their information. Pray, speak Stephen Maturin. Will you not speak?"
Stephen Maturin tilted his head, about to speak. The sleepy great whale knew they would hold a long, intriguing, sophisticated conversation, but the sound of something breaking the surface could be heard from above them. Fearful, he raised his gaze, and there they were, men, flailing their arms and legs as if their life depended on it.
With a haste quite unusual the whale thought, "Oh no, those stupid beings' antics will have a whole school of sharks here in the twinkling of an eye!"
Here it should be mentioned that the sleepy great whale did everything slower than humans do, and that includes twinkling.
But now as he returned his gaze to the eminent doctor, he noticed that the only thing coming from Stephen's open mouth was a stream of bubbles.
"Wilt thou not speak, sir, and share thy opinion?" he asked again, stretching forth a fin to usher his friend away from the foolish men above.
Then his sensitive whale senses picked up the sounds of the nearing sharks. He knew that no human, no matter how extraordinary, could resist a shark. And those uncivilized, barbaric philistines would not hesitate a single moment to turn even the Stephen Maturin into an appetizer.
Ignoring the still flailing humans, but inwardly blaming them for robbing him of this unique opportunity, he positioned himself under Stephen and began to emerge.
"Come friend, come. We had best rise," he told Stephen, guiding his diminutive form with a fluke. Stephen looked aghast as he was lifted from the water, eyes closed and choking. The whale had a rare moment of self-doubt. Had he committed some human faux pas? "The sharks..." he began to explain, "Dost hear sharks, Stephen Maturin?"
And indeed the human seemed to.
"Oh my, what an intriguing noise!"
"Well, hmm, I suppose one might say so..."
"And a most particular situation!"
The great sleepy whale deduced that Stephen had never before been faced with a whole group of humans behaving rather asininely and attracting a rapidly approaching school of sharks.
"Alas, I fear that such a display of (pardon me) human stupidity is not unusual, Stephen Maturin."
"Such a musical whale! How beautiful!" Stephen exclaimed, thrashing excitedly in the water as he coughed. Had he been paying attention at all?
Now he seemed to turn to the nearest of the still flailing humans.
"Jack, isn't this the most peculiar behavior? And such an inimitable occasion! To be this close to a Megaptera novaeangliae!"
Upon hearing this, the great sleepy whale understood the Doctor's actions. While those other humans were too dumb to understand the danger they were putting themselves into with their antics, Stephen Maturin was so engaged in superior trains of thoughts that trivial matters such as a bunch of sharks just didn't register!
"Hark. Dost hear sharks, Stephen Maturin?" he asked again with as much urgency as a tactful sleepy great whale could express, while the doctor was seized with another spasm of coughing and immersion. "Stephen-Maturin-Friend, hail," he added, politely including the newcomer in the conversation. "Humans must exit water, forgiving my inhospitality. Humans do enter boats, please? Yes?"
And surprisingly enough the gold-locked human seemed to possess an above-human-average understanding. While Stephen Maturin (might whatever deity looked after humans bless his worldly innocent mind) gazed at the sleepy great whale, the other human began to drag him towards the boats.
"Now, Stephen, as interesting as this fish..."
"Jack, this is no fish, no fish at all! I'll have you know that the Megaptera novaeangliae belongs..."
By now the whole sea was vibrating with the words "Stephen Maturin!" as all creatures in the vicinity from sharks to the very sea slugs were approaching in haste. As reluctant as he was to say adieu, the whale felt a sense of relief as he saw his friend lifted out of the water by many pairs of eager and capable hands.
He was gratified to note, however, that Stephen Maturin shared his reluctance to part.
"Jack, I cannot leave now. Not now. To my knowledge no-one has ever been this close to a whale of this particular-"
"Stephen, I'm afraid I have to insist."
"But an opportunity like this may never-"
"Now!"
"From a naturalistic point of view-
"Now, Doctor!"
And with this the large human (well, large for one of his kind, not compared to the great whale) grabbed Stephen Maturin, though with great care as not to hurt him, and hauled him into one of the boats.
"Fare thee well, Stephen Maturin, and may your seas be mild and plentiful," the whale sang, waving with his flukes.
Then the sleepy great whale gave a sorrowful sigh, showering the humans with a fine shrimp-scented mist. They seemed displeased, all except Stephen who gazed back lovingly at his new friend.
Stephen and the sleepy great whale
Authors: des_pudels_kern and grace_poppy
Characters: Stephen, a whale, shrimps, fishes, orcas, Jack
Rating: G
Stephen and the Whale
The sleepy great whale loved tiny shrimps. He loved to eat them. One day, the sleepy great whale saw a big big crowd of his favorite tiny shrimps, pink and stout!
"What luck!" he thought, "A tasty snack for me!"
But as he opened his big big mouth, he heard the shrimps chattering to one another.
This confounded the sleepy great whale. Of course he had known that shrimps could talk. They were animals, after all. But he had never heard them before!
"Am I still sleeping?" he wondered, "Hearing shrimps! No other whale would believe me!"
What the sleepy great whale didn't know, simply because he never asked them before eating, was that while shrimps could talk, they usually just chose not to. Shrimps were remarkably stoic creatures, and even being devoured by a whale was something they simply shrugged off. Often enough in the whale's mouth.
Plus, their meagre lives were so boring that there was usually nothing to talk about, even in their dying moments.
But these animated shrimps had recently heard the most extraordinary piece of gossip.
"We heard it from the long thin fish that ate Edgar," one shrimp giggled to her friends.
"And that fish had heard it from a penguin that ate his mother, or sister or somebody!" her companion squealed breathlessly.
"And the penguin had heard it from a seal, right before the seal was eaten by a killer whale - and the whale verified that it was Stephen Maturin."
"Doctor Stephen Maturin, author of Equatorial Sulidae?" squeaked an eager young shrimpling.
"The same! The same! And the whale said - oh sister, are you dead?"
"Never mind!" the shrimps cried, "Go on! Go on!"
The whale swallowed thoughtfully. Stephen Maturin! Of course he knew the name - had read the treatise, had been impressed and enlightened by its insights.
Humans in general were considered a rather short-witted species by the other animals. They may be good with tools, but clearly weren't the best thinkers.
Why else would a race of scantily haired monkeys that either drowned or got eaten by sharks half of the time they fall into the water try to roam the ocean?
But, as surely as every whale in the whole wide sea had one doppelgänger who looked exactly like him, there was one known exception to the rule of human stupidity: Stephen Maturin. The Stephen Maturin.
"I should like to see this Stephen Maturin," the sleepy great whale mused as he swallowed another population of shrimp. "Yes... I should like it of all things. I must follow this trail of shrimps back to where he was spotted."
He swallowed once more, and then the sleepy great whale set into motion, sleepily waving his great tail.
Thus he pursued the shrimp's gossip, through days and nights and many, many delicious mouthfuls of shrimp.
He ate and swam, swam and ate, until he saw the long thin fishes that had eaten the shrimps. He swam on and saw the penguins that had eaten the fish. He swam on and saw the seals that had eaten the penguins. He swam on and finally saw the killer whales that had eaten the seals.
He cleared his great throat.
"Pardon me, dear remote cousins. I followed some shrimp, that had been eaten by some fish, that had been eaten by some penguins, that had been eaten by some seals, that you have eaten. And..."
The killer whales circled around him. Not threatening - he was the great whale, after all - but twitchy and restless. Realising that orcas really did have no patience, just as his mother had always told him, he decided to cut short his elaborate speech.
"Could you please point me into the direction of Stephen Maturin, the Stephen Maturin?"
At the mention of that name, the orcas perked up their barely-discernible ears and wriggled and squeaked like adolescent porpoises on plankton. "Did you say Steeephen? Eeeeeeeee! Follow meee! Pleeeease! Stephen Stephen Steeeeeephen! Follow meee!"
And the great sleepy whale, who would never be caught dead wriggling and squeaking like that because great whales did everything slowly and with grand air, thought, "I hope everybody knows they are distant cousins."
"There! There!" the orcas squealed, pointing their fins excitedly at a shape on the horizon. It was a ship! For some reason, the big big whale was surprised. But naturally, Stephen Maturin would appear on a ship. What had the whale expected - that he would rise up from the foam on a scallop shell?
Well, maybe a part of him had. A small part. Tiny. Virtually non-existing.
But of course Stephen Maturin was a human, no matter how extraordinary, and all humans were dead in the water, though most of them were too stupid to even realize it and flailed their arms and legs quite ridiculously whenever they fell in. They clearly didn't know that this attracted sharks.
Stephen, however, was smarter than most. When he fell in the water, he quite sensibly sank like a stone, as the whale was about to discover.
Instead he showed an intellect that rivalled that of the great sleepy whale. For while the whale slowly drifted by, impressed by this extraordinary human and not taking his eye off him (the right one, for he passed Stephen on his right side), Stephen Maturin, this most sensible of humans, slowly drifted down, obviously impressed by the sleepy great whale and not taking his eyes off him.
So this was Stephen Maturin. This man who could sink peacefully in the water without drawing undue attention to himself - this self-effacing creature! The sleepy great whale gazed approvingly. Stephen Maturin was still and silent as a humble barnacle, while the foolish men above the water were shouting animatedly and messing about with their ship.
"Hail, Stephen Maturin," the whale murmured by way of introduction. "I read Equatorial Sulidae, and I strongly agree with your findings. But do you not think that the sula bassana will be reclassified as morus? My northern cousins seem to think so, but I do not know the source of their information. Pray, speak Stephen Maturin. Will you not speak?"
Stephen Maturin tilted his head, about to speak. The sleepy great whale knew they would hold a long, intriguing, sophisticated conversation, but the sound of something breaking the surface could be heard from above them. Fearful, he raised his gaze, and there they were, men, flailing their arms and legs as if their life depended on it.
With a haste quite unusual the whale thought, "Oh no, those stupid beings' antics will have a whole school of sharks here in the twinkling of an eye!"
Here it should be mentioned that the sleepy great whale did everything slower than humans do, and that includes twinkling.
But now as he returned his gaze to the eminent doctor, he noticed that the only thing coming from Stephen's open mouth was a stream of bubbles.
"Wilt thou not speak, sir, and share thy opinion?" he asked again, stretching forth a fin to usher his friend away from the foolish men above.
Then his sensitive whale senses picked up the sounds of the nearing sharks. He knew that no human, no matter how extraordinary, could resist a shark. And those uncivilized, barbaric philistines would not hesitate a single moment to turn even the Stephen Maturin into an appetizer.
Ignoring the still flailing humans, but inwardly blaming them for robbing him of this unique opportunity, he positioned himself under Stephen and began to emerge.
"Come friend, come. We had best rise," he told Stephen, guiding his diminutive form with a fluke. Stephen looked aghast as he was lifted from the water, eyes closed and choking. The whale had a rare moment of self-doubt. Had he committed some human faux pas? "The sharks..." he began to explain, "Dost hear sharks, Stephen Maturin?"
And indeed the human seemed to.
"Oh my, what an intriguing noise!"
"Well, hmm, I suppose one might say so..."
"And a most particular situation!"
The great sleepy whale deduced that Stephen had never before been faced with a whole group of humans behaving rather asininely and attracting a rapidly approaching school of sharks.
"Alas, I fear that such a display of (pardon me) human stupidity is not unusual, Stephen Maturin."
"Such a musical whale! How beautiful!" Stephen exclaimed, thrashing excitedly in the water as he coughed. Had he been paying attention at all?
Now he seemed to turn to the nearest of the still flailing humans.
"Jack, isn't this the most peculiar behavior? And such an inimitable occasion! To be this close to a Megaptera novaeangliae!"
Upon hearing this, the great sleepy whale understood the Doctor's actions. While those other humans were too dumb to understand the danger they were putting themselves into with their antics, Stephen Maturin was so engaged in superior trains of thoughts that trivial matters such as a bunch of sharks just didn't register!
"Hark. Dost hear sharks, Stephen Maturin?" he asked again with as much urgency as a tactful sleepy great whale could express, while the doctor was seized with another spasm of coughing and immersion. "Stephen-Maturin-Friend, hail," he added, politely including the newcomer in the conversation. "Humans must exit water, forgiving my inhospitality. Humans do enter boats, please? Yes?"
And surprisingly enough the gold-locked human seemed to possess an above-human-average understanding. While Stephen Maturin (might whatever deity looked after humans bless his worldly innocent mind) gazed at the sleepy great whale, the other human began to drag him towards the boats.
"Now, Stephen, as interesting as this fish..."
"Jack, this is no fish, no fish at all! I'll have you know that the Megaptera novaeangliae belongs..."
By now the whole sea was vibrating with the words "Stephen Maturin!" as all creatures in the vicinity from sharks to the very sea slugs were approaching in haste. As reluctant as he was to say adieu, the whale felt a sense of relief as he saw his friend lifted out of the water by many pairs of eager and capable hands.
He was gratified to note, however, that Stephen Maturin shared his reluctance to part.
"Jack, I cannot leave now. Not now. To my knowledge no-one has ever been this close to a whale of this particular-"
"Stephen, I'm afraid I have to insist."
"But an opportunity like this may never-"
"Now!"
"From a naturalistic point of view-
"Now, Doctor!"
And with this the large human (well, large for one of his kind, not compared to the great whale) grabbed Stephen Maturin, though with great care as not to hurt him, and hauled him into one of the boats.
"Fare thee well, Stephen Maturin, and may your seas be mild and plentiful," the whale sang, waving with his flukes.
Then the sleepy great whale gave a sorrowful sigh, showering the humans with a fine shrimp-scented mist. They seemed displeased, all except Stephen who gazed back lovingly at his new friend.
Stephen and the sleepy great whale