Dreams and Common Sense and Fear
Um. Remember my earlier blog post about the lists I made on New Year's eve, the ones where I wrote down all my Do-able Goals, Big Dreams, and !!!!WILD!!! Dreams?
Well. One of the items on my Big Dreams list, which I hadn't told anyone about, not even Patrick, was: Go to Europe. (Meaning, continental Europe.)
I love, love, love continental Europe, and back in the days before MrD and before ME/CFS, when Patrick and I both had good dayjobs and steady finances, we used to take cheap flights across from the UK pretty regularly. I loved re-visiting favorite cities like Vienna and Stockholm, but I also had a whole list of the European countries I still hadn't visited, like France. I wanted to try them all and then go back for more!
Unfortunately, that whole list got thrown out in the past several years. Between the energy loss of ME/CFS, the financial losses that came with it, and then the added complexity of parenthood with a chronic illness...well, trips to Europe just don't happen anymore. I've been thinking of that whole traveling stage of my life as something that's just past - full of wonderful memories to cherish, but certainly nothing I can even hope for in the future.
So I winced as I wrote down that "Big Dream", because I knew exactly how impossible it was. A, we definitely don't have the money, which is the first and most obvious reason it couldn't happen; and B, doing all that travel with ME/CFS and a young child...just doesn't work.
So, I wrote it down on my list back on New Year's Eve out of nothing but a desire for thoroughness (because I was writing down EVERYTHING I secretly dreamed about, no matter how stupid or unrealistic), and then I forgot about it for the next two and a half months...
...Right up until this past week, when my amazing family invited us to go with them to France for a week this summer!
!!!!!!
There are not enough exclamation points in my universe.
France! With my family there to help with MrD through the whole trip, then come back with us afterward to help out while I deal with ME/CFS recovery! France, which I always wanted to visit! France!
Well. Do you want to know the funniest/saddest part of this story? When they first offered, my first, instinctive gut reaction was: no. Thank you for the offer, I said, feeling very grown-up and practical and resigned - but it sounded like it still might be too hard with the CFS.
Then I went up to my room and cried, because it hurt so much to turn down something so wonderful.
And then Patrick asked me: when exactly are we ever going to go to Europe, if we don't accept this offer when it comes out of the blue, arranged just exactly as perfectly as possible?
For the first time in months, I remembered my list. And I also remembered something else: there is a fine line between basing decisions on practical common sense (which is real and important) and basing them on fear (which is seductive and toxic). I've had to learn from really horrible experience that I cannot say yes to so many things I want to do, because of the ME/CFS - but I can't let that stop me from saying yes to the things that I genuinely can do.
So. I went back to my family and I said Yes, please. Yes, please, I would absolutely LOVE to!
I've spent almost all of my rest time today happily ogling the vacation rental we'll be staying at this summer, and reading various articles online about the lovely island that we'll be staying on, near La Rochelle. I just...I can't even express how happy and excited I am about this!
Yes, there will be a price to pay to the ME/CFS for the travel. But I'll have people to help, to make the whole thing do-able - and I'll be having an amazing experience to make that price well worth it. And that kind of experience - that sense of possibility - makes the whole world feel open with abundance.
I don't think there's any magic to writing our dreams down - I mean, I can't imagine how that could possibly affect external events. But oh, wow. Having that list of dreams written down sure does make me notice when one of those dreams comes true!
Now I just have to learn French in the next few months. Luckily, right now that doesn't sound intimidating at all. ;) Does anyone have any French-language-CD recommendations?
Well. One of the items on my Big Dreams list, which I hadn't told anyone about, not even Patrick, was: Go to Europe. (Meaning, continental Europe.)
I love, love, love continental Europe, and back in the days before MrD and before ME/CFS, when Patrick and I both had good dayjobs and steady finances, we used to take cheap flights across from the UK pretty regularly. I loved re-visiting favorite cities like Vienna and Stockholm, but I also had a whole list of the European countries I still hadn't visited, like France. I wanted to try them all and then go back for more!
Unfortunately, that whole list got thrown out in the past several years. Between the energy loss of ME/CFS, the financial losses that came with it, and then the added complexity of parenthood with a chronic illness...well, trips to Europe just don't happen anymore. I've been thinking of that whole traveling stage of my life as something that's just past - full of wonderful memories to cherish, but certainly nothing I can even hope for in the future.
So I winced as I wrote down that "Big Dream", because I knew exactly how impossible it was. A, we definitely don't have the money, which is the first and most obvious reason it couldn't happen; and B, doing all that travel with ME/CFS and a young child...just doesn't work.
So, I wrote it down on my list back on New Year's Eve out of nothing but a desire for thoroughness (because I was writing down EVERYTHING I secretly dreamed about, no matter how stupid or unrealistic), and then I forgot about it for the next two and a half months...
...Right up until this past week, when my amazing family invited us to go with them to France for a week this summer!
!!!!!!
There are not enough exclamation points in my universe.
France! With my family there to help with MrD through the whole trip, then come back with us afterward to help out while I deal with ME/CFS recovery! France, which I always wanted to visit! France!
Well. Do you want to know the funniest/saddest part of this story? When they first offered, my first, instinctive gut reaction was: no. Thank you for the offer, I said, feeling very grown-up and practical and resigned - but it sounded like it still might be too hard with the CFS.
Then I went up to my room and cried, because it hurt so much to turn down something so wonderful.
And then Patrick asked me: when exactly are we ever going to go to Europe, if we don't accept this offer when it comes out of the blue, arranged just exactly as perfectly as possible?
For the first time in months, I remembered my list. And I also remembered something else: there is a fine line between basing decisions on practical common sense (which is real and important) and basing them on fear (which is seductive and toxic). I've had to learn from really horrible experience that I cannot say yes to so many things I want to do, because of the ME/CFS - but I can't let that stop me from saying yes to the things that I genuinely can do.
So. I went back to my family and I said Yes, please. Yes, please, I would absolutely LOVE to!
I've spent almost all of my rest time today happily ogling the vacation rental we'll be staying at this summer, and reading various articles online about the lovely island that we'll be staying on, near La Rochelle. I just...I can't even express how happy and excited I am about this!
Yes, there will be a price to pay to the ME/CFS for the travel. But I'll have people to help, to make the whole thing do-able - and I'll be having an amazing experience to make that price well worth it. And that kind of experience - that sense of possibility - makes the whole world feel open with abundance.
I don't think there's any magic to writing our dreams down - I mean, I can't imagine how that could possibly affect external events. But oh, wow. Having that list of dreams written down sure does make me notice when one of those dreams comes true!
Now I just have to learn French in the next few months. Luckily, right now that doesn't sound intimidating at all. ;) Does anyone have any French-language-CD recommendations?